Going out for a small while for first time in 5 days

Ate a small tiny bit of burger. Small bits at time i suppose. I hate yoguart   but thanks for the help lol. I am just going to rest for now and maybe try to do a few things later if im up to it. I have to start somewhere, need my family back no matter what i happens as i can not bear this.

keep going sharon...you can do this...i'm doing it...you can do it....

as always, who doesnt love a bit of choc!? I am just going slowly. Its been hard for the last 5 days and if i forced myself to eat a pile i do not think it would keep down. But the choc is a good idea x

Just memember you'll feel better Tomorrow, and everyday there after. The anxiety and worry is just something your body is doing, the same as a cough, sneeze or fever. Your concentration is probably Zero, chill and get lost in YouTube funny Videos with your chocolate and a Duvet

Think i am a long way off feeling better until i feel stronger and see my family. Miss them so much. This week i am the duvet Queen! Been on the computer most of the week and sleeping when i can but today i was just looking at pointless funny things so im with you on that its just very hard being on my own. How have you been?

Just reading a few things on the web.

This was Britany spears back in the 2000's' ( i was just reading about people who have turned their lives around) Heres a few quotes and we all know where she is today

''We all remember Britney's infamous downfall in the early 2000s.

Everything that you wouldn't even think of happening, happened: she had a family intervention, entered rehab for drugs, was hospitalized for a psychiatric breakdown and even shaved her head!

However to the surprise of us all, the star was able to endure the worst, to make a strong comeback.

When all hope was lost, our queens of pop was able to come back!''

 In a lot of ways im sure we can all relate in someway . just proves no matter what you have materially we can all crumble at some point. But on the good side it also proves she did it too as shes back on top. 

Might seem like a silly post but if you think of the many successful and very talented celebs such as Elton John, Britany, R downy juniour, angelina jolie. To name but a few, a lot have turned their lives around without the most horrible outcome there can be. I hope we all can too.

I'm pretty good thanks Sharon........apart from my Health lol. Dry now for 2years 13Days. I'm quite lucky because I now work at a Drug and Alcohol Clinic, so it's Kinda like therapy everytime I go in. Mental Health is some what stable, go a pre op for surgery on my Head next week, and should also find out if I'm getting a pacemaker/defibrillator fitted or not. So things are under control

I'm sure that your Family is looking forward to seeing you again also, thats something to be excited about. And you can beat Britney Spears any Day of the Week!  

Can i ask you a question? Maybe all of you if you want to reply. Lets just say that i do get better.... its early days i know and in my head ver much and body right now i need to be stronger. 

I dont know if you have seen all of my threads, my partner has moved to Scotland with my daughter. She is genuinely happier there because there are a lot of friends and family who support them. Up until five days ago we all lived in a small place with nothing to offer  in Northern Ireland. I am here obviously in N Ireland right now by myself.

My partner and i are still talking and do want to be with each other (love of my life to be honest) and of course  i want to our daughter grow up and not be distanced from me, shes 8. The  reason we lived here is because i also have a 12 year old son who lived with me/partner half of the week but who has a different dad with shared custody who lived close by.

My partner says there is still a chance for us in some way when im much better but how can i work this out? My boy has been staying with his dad for a while I  would add as things havent been great here, however this is still one of  his two homes.

I have two choices: Do i move to Scotland and see my son less, the last thing i want for him is to feel abandoned. However he is 13 in a few weeks and mature. In a few years he will be doing his own thing anyway. Or do i stay here and just try to see my partner and daughter when i can? That would be hard in terms of jobs and school either way. I can not bear to be without them all. I dont think you could really call that a relationship anyway.

But right now i am determined to get better.

I just dont know what to do. I do know its early days and i have to be a better person for myself and for them anyway.

Part of me would love a fresh start in Scotland to move on from all of this place and create a better life. But what its going to be so hard seeing  my son (i would point out he is out most of the time anyway  as most 13 year olds are or playing xbox). I personally know that a big part of the reason i have become this way is due to having no family here and very few friends, its just one of those places. So do i stay here lonely (dont mean that in a selfish way as i love my son so so much) or do I move to Scotland? This means of course i would see my boy less but i really dont want him to feel abandoned like i was as a child. This is a big question i know, but i am lost right now solving this. I love them all so much

I think that the better you get, the clearer things will get for you. At the moment you are just going over Two options in your mind, I should imagine that you think about this all the Time. Scotland and Ireland are not that far apart, and whatever you decide to do, you are not abandoning either Child, you are just moving. Just because there is some distance doesn't mean that that is the End. You will find a way that is suitable and managable for yourself. And especially with the amount of tech there is about, you can speak to and see eachother at the press of a button (I know it's not the same), and the journey only takes a few hours, it takes some people longer to get back from Work. All I'm trying to say is that you will do what feels right in the end, People will understand, it's not just a case of looking at the stay/go where you think you would be letting someone down whatever your choice, once you open up your communication a little better you can talk about it with those concerned. But as you said, right now it's about taking small steps and getting yourself to where you want to be. Don't stew in the worry.

Its just hard ryght now being on my own when i miss them all so much.  I dont know what to do still... but i have to get there. Thank u xxxxxxxx

Well hun, I would love to comment on what I think personally but it is not my place.  This is a challenging time - either or, neither nor!!!!

I think the answer lies at the bottom of a bottle - yes you do need as Pistal says a clear head to think straight about this situation.  Now that for me would push me to cleaning up my act and being a Mum who loves her children and wants to protect them and love them.  You can be with them both wherever you are.  But you need to be the real Mum who they love and want in their lives and if that means cutting the booze, then so be it.  Scotland seems inviting of course, will you continue with your friendship with too much of you know what, and so it goes on.  Concentrate on getting better first, each day feels better - hell I feel better already after my silly week last week.  Priority, right now, is you, make yourself proud and then go be a proud Mum, either in Scotland or where you are - you won't lose them.

G. xxx

I love what both pistal and gwen said.

You can not make any decisions right now...your partner and daughter have left to protect themselves..or your partner has made the decision that it is best for your daughter at the moment to be removed from the environment she was in.  I know as an alcoholic that raised 2 children it would have been BETTER for them to have been removed from ME as they were growing up.

Now that they are older they tell me stories of how much it scared them to see me passed out..wondering if I was dead....wondering if I would still be at kitchen table drinking when they got home..embarassed to bring their friends over....your daughter is being spared all of that right now.

When I got sober 11 years ago..my kids were the happiest kids in the world. I never realized the damage I was doing to myself and them...you say you have to be a better "person"..this is not about you being a BAD person...this is about you being an "unwell" person.   

I believe as pistal and gwen say...if you can get well and get your head clear the right answers will come. Stop loathing yourself...your a lovely person...with a drinking problem...

Try a couple of positive affirmations like today I told myself I was strong...it lifted me up and made me a little stronger....if I keep telling myself I am a loser or a quitter...it will be that way...You can get better...you sound better than you did yesterday..you went out today...give yourself credit.

Can you talk to your daughter on the phone when your sober sometime soon and tell her you miss her and let her hear from your own mouth that you are not well and that you want to be well so that you can be in her life again?

Thanks for all the replies. Its a very big choice that i have to make and i know right now that it is too soon. Its just so so hard right now, nothing seems right, im not just talking about the drinking. I do know without a doubt that this must must change.

I just miss them all so much, its a living hell to be honest and i have so many other things that i know i should do but still really struggling to do even the small things. I have been on my own now for six days and hardly spoke to anyone apart from yesterday when i went out for a few mins. There is nothing in my life that is right or even a tiny thing right now to hold on to. I have had low times before but i never thought it could be this bad.

I know what you mean about drinking effecting the kids, of couse it does. Its a terrible way to grow up when it gets really bad. The last year or so i have let them down so much and embarressed them too.

I just want them back though and for that to happen drinking must stop forever.

Take care and let me know how you are. xx

Its ok to say what you think, i wouldnt have posted it if i thought it wasnt your place. I have no one else right now to turn to for advise so thats why i thought i would see what you guys think. I know that stopping the drink is the most important thing, its just such a big thing leaving or staying either way it can never be the same when were all together. I say together but that really only counts when i was sober. 

I just feel so low right now there are not even words for it. There is nothing that is right with me right now, not one thing.

This forum has been amazing this week, its the only thing that has made a difference this week.

Again im sorry i have not much positivity with me right now to offer but if i can help you or anyone else i will try. Thank you for your kind words xxx

How are you doing? Have you stopped drinking yet? Is that kudzu stuff helping you at all? 

I also feel like you that there is nothing good in my life right now...but we have to pull ourselves together in order for anything to change. Drinking is just a downward spiral into more depths of depression and anxiety.

Although, I quit 7 days ago...the depression and anxiety is still powerful..but those little trips outside and the freedom from having to go to the store for alcohol is somewhat enlightening....

Like I said...I have smiled a few times in the last 7 days which wasn't happening at ALL the week I was killing myself with alcohol...

Right now because i have removed the alcohol I am struggling with insomnia...and that is torture too.

We mess up our bodies so much they get so out of sync....that we  falsely   believe  we are doomed.

Its just so hard to do anything right now, i genuinely never thought things could be this bad. The kudzu tablets havent arrived yet, but hopefully they do work, some reports are very good. I have not drank very much at all this week compared to how i was. I am so lonely without my family and if i do move to scotland i dont know how to work things out with my son. I just feel like there is so much to deal with yet im so low its impossible to know where to begin.

Its a living hell to be honest.... no family at all and no close friends. Barely spoken to anyone since they left apart from when i went out for a few mins yesterday. My partner is my soul mate and i miss him so much. Its feels like my entire life has crumbled.  I have to somehow pull myself back up but right now its like being asked to climb up to the sky with no ladder. 

Sorry again for being on such a downer but this is too much to bear, i just know that i will have to start at some point and i dont just mean with the drinking. 

Im glad things are a little better for you, 7 days is wonderful. I know what you mean though about not sleeping. Its very hard. But you have done well xxxx You should do something for yourself thats a wee bit special as a little reward and mental boost.

you couldn't even up and move to Scotland right now if you tried..you need to get stronger..you need to find the ladder....and then you can decide on how to deal with your son...I liked the suggestion from someone that he is older now and needs Mum less..and there is facetime on phones...etc...and I guess the travel is not that far?

He could come stay with you on occassion but he can't and you can't do any of this...until you get stronger that is your #1 priority

I know he is a little older...but its hard because the one thing i have always said to myself is that i would be there for them. It is quite a journey to be honest, ferry over and then more travel. I prob couldnt afford to do more than once a month then, then i have to ask myself where do i stay as i have no family here that i am close to in terms of mum (we dont speak) and my father passed away. To be honest the rest are not worth knowing. I know its too soon right now, if it happen i have to sell most things in the home i do live in and gather up some cash anyway. I know we could stay in touch though in a lot of other ways. Thank you so much for all your help today as i know things are so hard for you too right now. Like you say we all have to find the ladder and then climb it... right now its just so hard to find the ladder. If i am being honest i think a fresh start for me somewhere down the line would be the best thing. I have never really liked living here very much anyway and have always stayed for my son sake if im honest. But from my point of view and my daughters there is much more family and support and from what my partner tells me she has seemed happy over the last 5 days. There is a song called ''jealous'' and if you listen to it you will know what i mean, its about someone being happy without you. I am glad shes happy though but the song says a lot if you know what i mean. 

How have you been today, have you been out or anything? I know you mentioned a few things before about health problems but im sure we both know that fresh air and all that helps. Wish i could listen to my own advise to be honest but we both know its true.

Its still realy early here  8am, I have been out to take my neice to school and I grabbed a sandwich...I was up at 4am..and I'm waiting for my b/f to go to work so I can take a nap...in peace...If I can sleep with my mind reeling as it is.

Sounds like you would have alot to do before moving....so there will be time while you are doing that to feel your son out...at his age..even 1x a month may be too much for HIM..he may want to come 1x every few months.  You have to be coherent and well in order to have these conversations with him.

You can't be weepy..and weak...that puts too much pressure on a child. You can certainly tell him how much you are conflicted with this decision and you are conflicted because you don't want to leave him..but you have to do this with open eyes...and willingness to listen to how he feels and "believe" him.  

I totally understand trying to think it all out right now because you are sitting there alone...think about it..write down the pros and the cons of leaving vs. staying...I do feel like you are now put in a position to chose between your partner, daughter and your son....How does your sons father feel about you leaving?  

What is a better choice for YOU because your son is going to be around a lot longer than you are and so is your daughter....you can still be very close to your son if you move...

If it were me...I would probably go with the partner and daughter because the daughter is younger and girls need their Mums...BUT...it is totally not good for you and her if you continue to drink...that choice has to be made as well ....

I am no one to talk...I couldn't stop drinking period for years and years...nothing made me WANT to do it..until I got physically sick from it all the time.  Maybe your family is enough for you to WANT to stop.

Your last line Misssy/Sharon says it.  "Maybe your family is enough for you to WANT to stop."  That would do it for me - I would HAVE to prove that Mum is back and going to take on the role again.  And by hook or by crook I would kick the booze that up the ..........!!

I still have not said what I would do personally but think you can guess.

Sharon, for starters you seem to me to be veering in the right path, although you don't feel it at the moment.  You will when the alcohol starts leaving your body because you change.  You start feeling stronger and looking better and that will kick start you into being Mum again, your rightful role.

G. xxxx

Thank you, i do know that its just hard when they are all away and i am literally on my own. Sometimes you just need a voice...thats why you guys have been so good. I would like to think that i can beat this its just the rest of the things i need to sort out aswell. It will take a long time to prove it but i really know i need to do this. This is the last stop for me to be honest. I love my children and partner so much. My kids are my world and to be honest although i have had other partners, i have never and never will want to be with anyone more than him in terms of a lifelong relationship. I know what i was like in the past and nothing has ever felt like this although now i have two kids so its even harder without all of them. I looked at myself in the mirror today and i do look like rubbish, there have been times when i have given up and looked so much better and stronger. Right now thats not how it is but i will build it up. I have to start somewhere, where ever that is. They are without a doubt worth stopping, no drink in the world is worth this pain which i can not honestly describe. To be honest unless you have ever been in this position when you have lost basically everything and have no one to turn to it really is the most horrible, horrible thing. I dont want you to feel sorry for me i have made bad choices recently and in my life which has lead me here. Who knows... I just really know that they are enough xxxxxxxxx

I have been in your position many times and presently I don't even like my partner so I have NO ONE.

That is how I found boards like this....I NEEDED someone to care..I NEEDED someone to talk to...So we know how you feel or I do EXACTLY know how your feeling.

You said it will take a long time to prove it....not really...Once you get on a journey to sobriety after a couple of weeks when your head lightens up...and you start to look and feel better....you just keep going...they see that...and then as long as you don't turn back...it becomes easier as time passes.

If you are sick of being sick...you will stop....

My drinking is no longer a daily thing like it was for over 20 years..it only occurs when something I feel is too drastic for me to handle comes along and because I have never developed coping skills....I turn to the drink for relief of feelings...and I get sucked right in quickly.

If you can get sober and you have a pretty safe happy environment otherwise...you have a really good chance of staying sober!

Sorry missy the notifacations are not coming though properly and i didnt know you had sent this. I think in the end if i can a fresh start for me will be the best thing with my partner and daughter. I will have to talk to Ethan and and just be honest. Your right about coming over once a month at least. I will not go over there if there is anything in my head that makes me think its ok to drink. You can maybe hide it for a few days but we always know you get caught and i can not put them through this again, especially after they felt so bad about things that they had to go. To be fair there are other reasons for moving so far in her eyes like actually having other family... i know it sounds weird but all she has basically ever had is me, her and my son. No one else apart from the odd friend coming over and its not enough. I grew up that way too, pretty much spent my life on my own either with my dad or in care. My mum or others apart from my dad never showed any interest. Its hard to be a great mum or person when you have very few people around you when your young to show you love and basically how it should be. Obviously no one has a perfect life but hers up until now has been pretty extreme, just the way mine was and look where i am now! 

I will stop and make a proper effort tomorrow. I think the shock of them leaving may have set in a bit so now its time to really, really move on.

Hope you did get some sleep in the end. Im not sure if all the updates are coming though as i have sent you loads of messages today, as always keep in touch and be good to yourself xxxxxx

6 days must be like torture babe and not good under your circumstances.

Your mind is doing cartwheels. 

Lack of family is horrible and you and your Mum's situation is very very sad - like I said, we all have a story to tell.

So very sorry for you at 11 - can't imagine leaving my girl never mind about not wanting you.  Do not let this happen to your girl, you are the better person.

You have a goal and you know it.

G.

If i could give you a hug i would x Thats why its so hard right now as i dont want to leave my son, but maybe i have to think about in a way that even in few years if he wanted to, he could come over, someone else pointed out about facebook and facetime obviously. Might not be what i would want or him ideally but we could do it everyday,

To be fair i could see his face everyday in someway. Its a lot different from 30 years ago. Still massively hard though. Partner and i just rowed there a bit on the phone but its been building up with me and was prob always going to happen, Cut down a lot though on the drink compared to last week and feel a wee tiny bit stronger, going to really try tomorrow. Drink is not worth all this for a million years x 

checking the notifications makes me anxious because it doesn't go fast enough for me and I have all these random notification from boards I don't even post on or maybe I did 1x and now whoever I posted to anytime they post I get notifications? Who knows.

I just go to the posts that are open and I remember commenting on. I DID take a 3 hour nap and I'm so GRATEFUL for that.

You sound like you are getting stronger. ANYONE would be in shock if their family they loved up and left them over a substance problem..of course it makes the substance abuse even worse...to drown sorrows and to think like..well this is what they left me for frig it....

It seems you are waking up from your nightmare and there will be some repairing of yourself to do....I'm hoping you can do this for you!