Great love destroyed by depression, what to do?

Hi.

So generally the case is very complicated.

We are both 21 and we have been in amazing, just to say perfect, loving relationship for 6 months.. long nights of talking, just pure chemistry. We created a true emotional bond based on same values in life and me (medstudent) I encouraged him to try med school, and he did start it by previously quitting economics.

I've never experienced something like this before, he said he havent too.

He said he had a really screwed up relationships before, without committment or any future, without love, just physical attraction and sex. He said he believes one person for every person and that only to that person you say "i love you”... he said so many times to me and i felt it was true.

We were both convinced we will spend rest of our lives together, he promised me he will never leave me and that he finally met the girl he will marry and told his friends all about it, he even told his parents about me, first time he told his family of any girl.

He said it was incredibly hard for him since he loved his mum very much but they never talked of deeper things, he said she was a very controlling mother through all of his life. He also said she only loved him when he was successful in his life.

After 2 months of relationship he told me i have to know sth about him.

We watched a movie about bipolar disorder and he said he thinks he has it, and that sometimes he feels like the saddest person on earth, stays alone in his apartment in his bed for a couple of days since he has no power to get up and he had suicidal thoughts before.

Since our 5th month some problems started.

We couldnt meet bc of pandemic (he studies abroad), his flights were constantly cancelled, we both got frustrated.

Then at the country he studies in, lockdown was happening, his football trainings (5 times a week) and gym were closed. He got so angry, irritated all the time and kind of being distant towards me...

I asked if something is happening to our relationship, he said no, nothing changed, I'm his whole world and he loves me more than anything and he asked me multiple times not to ever leave him bc he cant imagine life without me.

He said he has really hard times now. He got into serious fights with his roomate, even packed his things just bc he woke up him once at night.

He started catching my words and turning them into offensive towards him, which caused 2 fights in 2 days. I didnt know what is happening, bc the most supportive, loving, respectful partner was turning into some stranger.

But after the second fight he called me video, apologised me so much, said he doesnt know what is happening to him, and that wasnt him and that he loves me the most, and that i should remember nothing is impossible for us, and nothing will ever separate us, bc we can solve every problem that arises, bc we are soulmates.

Then out of blue, he woked up one day and started doubting everything, started hating himself so much. He even said he cant believe i love him unconditionally bc no one ever did that.

He said he cant sleep, he stays in bed and looks at wall all days, and he said he needs a break from us, but i should remember he will never leave me, bc im the best that ever happened to him, he just needs time. And that i should be sure that in the end we will be together and that even he is in that state now, he can guarantee without hesitate that he will choose me to spend his life with.

Then 2 weeks after these words he said he cant be in healthy relationship and that im amazing person and he doesnt have energy to be in relationship now, but he hopes when he will be normal again, we will be unseparable.

He got worse and worse, finally he went to psychiatrist, diagnosed with Major depressive disorder, refused to take pills.

After that he texted me this is final over and i shouldnt wait for him, bc he cant keep me waiting till idk when, i deserve someone better. And that he lost his feelings for me. He generally said hurtful things ( which later turned out to be untrue, he said he said this to push me away and make me not wait for him).

He cured himself with smoking weed and sniffing smashed xanax.

After week he texted me again, said he needs a friend, not his gf now and that he missed me very much. He apologised and said he wasn't feeling alive at all, and that I should give him time, but he wants to get better and get back to us.

Week of texting, i made him smile again, he admitted this and said thank you for making me smile, he started being little better sometimes, ofc he had worse days often but still i saw he got better around me.

One time i wasnt responding and posted some depressive lyrics, he started texting me he worries and calling me few times. But none of my other friends concerned that much, only him, which for me proved he still loves me.

So we had a phone call, first time since his sickness. He was a different man... No emotions in voice, just robot, machine.

He said he does so bad things to improve himself that he is ashamed and maybe one day he will tell me.

Then he texted me after the call that i should never expect us to be together anymore, bc he hurted me so much and he cant forget that and that i dont deserve any of these and that he will never be himself again.

He also said we shouldnt be friends bc what if he will be good again and starts to date someone, i will be sad.

I was so shocked he said that! After he promised me he will choose me to spend his life with and that im his soulmate forever!

He said he was pretending all the time, and that he wasnt happy in our relationship, when i know it was all nonsense, bc we loved each other so much and he always fought so much for me, supporting me when i was crying over stupid acne.

This was 5 days ago. He said he is leaving for good now and blocked me everywhere. He said its for the best.

Im so hopeless, i love him the most, i truly believe he is my soulmate. I never had that kind of connection with anyone. We looked at world the same, he was the only one that could make me laugh when i was sad. He was my best friend and love of my life. ( he said exactly the same about me).

Please, i need an advice. Did i truly lost him forever? 🥺

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