Grief and depression

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Had depression for a while, now mum has passed don't know what or how to feel. I'm so so tired. But feel like I can cope, feel numb, I don't know how I feel.

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  • Posted

    Hi, are you already taking any Meds? Whatever, I suggest you book a double appt with your gp, or very close friend, or bereavement counsellor, you need to be able to talk openly.

    at the moment it could be a case for my favourite mantra 'I'm ok, right here right now.' Even if you have to take it a minute at a time.

    you are not alone with your reaction to your loss. 

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    • Posted

      On meds already, just confused went out Sunday and really struggled, thought I was ok. I don't know what or how too feel.
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    • Posted

      I don't think increasing Meds would be helpful, it may just numb things further, but it's obviously your call.

      i think what your experiencing is grief but probably accentuated by your illness. There are 5 stages to grief and I'm sure this is one of them. 

      It doesn't take much to tip my balance, tiny everyday things which loosing your mum certainly isn't!

      you need to give yourself time but try to be nice to yourself, perhaps a long bath, a mug of hot chocolate, or even a bit of a walk and look at the shape of the trees.

      it probably sounds the opposite of what you want to do, but try it, just sit down, grab a book, a colouring book what ever floats your boat, but do what you'd advice a friend to do.

       

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  • Posted

    I agree with Kate. This sounds like grief. I'm not depressed these days (though suffered for several years during my 20s) but I was shocked by my reaction after my mother died. One evening I ended up completely out of it, banging my head on the wall.

    I didn't know what to do that night. Started to call several friends but realised each time that this wasn't something I could dump on them. I ended up calling the Samaritans, as I was staying at my mum's house in the UK at the time. They can't offer any practical help, but I realised afterwards that shouting and screaming out my grief and anger to a total stranger I'd never meet again was actually what I needed at the time. It didn't take away the grief, but things never seemed quite so desperate again.

    Don't hesitate to call the Samaritans, or any other crisis line. MIND and SANE also run lines in the UK, though I don't think they're 24/7, as the Samaritans are. I only called the once, but you can call them as often as you like. It can help to pour it all out to an anonymous human voice at the end of the line.

    It might be a good idea to see your GP, depending on how good he/she is at listening - as opposed to just reaching for the prescription pad and putting you on stronger antidepressants, which could bring their own problems in the future. It's hard to advise on that one, as you presumably know your own GP. I don't normally live in the UK, so don't know what bereavement counselling services are like there, but your GP might be able to refer you.

    I know that thing about time being a great healer is a platitude, but it is actually true. You don't say how long ago your mother passed. It took me six months to even begin to recover and several years to rebuild my life again. I was 62 when she died and had effectively "lost" 10 years of my life coping with her dementia, for which we got no help from the system. During that time I'd lost a series of jobs and most of my friends because of the demands on me.

    As Kate says, be kind to yourself. And don't hesitate to call a crisis line in desperate moments. I was so grateful for what the Samaritans did for me when I needed them that I started volunteering for their equivalent in my own country four years after my mother's death. They can really help in the bad times.

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    • Posted

      My mum passed 6th December 2015, aged 67. Dad and me were full time carers. We are lost, I'm calm which I'm worried about, I don't know as I have issues with my thinking as I have not been thinking straight. I'm seeing a counsellor on the 5th January. Her funeral is on the 29th December.
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    • Posted

      Oh, that's very recent. You'll be in the thick of it right now. Don't worry about being calm, everyone reacts to grief in their own way. I hope you and your dad are able to talk about it. That always helps.

      67 is young to die, too. Same age as my dad when he passed. My mother survived him by 19 years, but spent the last half of that time in dementia. I didn't really grieve when my dad died - we hadn't had a good relationship, he was only ill for the last six months of his life, and I only intermittently helped out with his care. But my mum was different. I was an only child and living 200 miles away from her, but I was constantly back and forth. When she died I felt as if I'd "lost my job". A friend said exactly the same thing to me after losing her father. I suspect that may be why you're feeling lost right now.

      I'm glad you've managed to get an appointment with a grief counsellor and won't have to wait too long. Sorry though that you'll have to wait so long for the funeral. I recall having to wait three weeks for my mum's funeral too. It can make you feel as if you're in limbo.

      I'm sorry too that this has happened so near Christmas. My mum died at the end of November, so I was in a similar position. It somehow makes everything worse, seeing fairy lights and Christmas trees every way you turn. She'd been living in the council house we moved into 54 years earlier, when I was 8, and the council gave me just four weeks to clear it. I remember the temporary lease they gave me expired on Christmas Day. Looking back, I wonder now how I ever got through that time, but I did.

      Trust yourself. Don't worry about not thinking straight, that's quite normal when you're grieving. Only do what you absolutely have to. And don't forget to reach out to a telephone crisis line if things get unbearable over the holiday.

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  • Posted

    I'm so sorry to hear your mum has passed, grief is a very personal thing ,unless you have been there you really can't understand.

    i lost my son 5 yrs ago but it seems like only last night I had the call.

    Im not sure about when people say about it being different if your parent dies or your child because when my parents past away I wasn't really close to them 

    I've been depressed most of my life and I have felt numb for 5 yrs 

    I have a heavy ruck sack on my back and in it is my grief, it doesn't for me get lighter, I just get used to it.

    I do hope you start to feel a little better soon, it's terribly hard to explain how one feels inside, I found a number of people couldn't cope with my feelings so they stopped asking how I felt , they only had to listen that's all I wanted them to do

    Much love to you

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