Had enough
Posted , 5 users are following.
For as long as i can remember, I have always hated myself, always hated life. I have always been made to feel like i was never good enough, no matter what i did or do. The bullying was not only verbal but also physical. The verbal was the usual, constantly told how useless I am, how ugly I am, I would never be anything, you was a mistake in being born etc. Then a long with that was punishments, being hit with anything they could get their hands on, if they couldn't find anything, they would just use their fists, feet etc. The only time i became useful to anyone, was when i turned 18 and i could get loans in my name. Then people wanted me for what i could do for them! That was until my future wife walked into my life when i was 26, She was the first person to ever love and want me, for me. We have 2 brilliant sons who are now adults themselves . for 21 years I was finally happy, my wife was slowly helping me turn the hatred i feel for myself around. Then my wife' s health, started going downhill. Complicated heart problems and lung problems. Her heart was only working at 33%. Nothing was more important to us than our little family. The last 5 years I became my wife's full time carer, being together 247. She was my whole world, I love her more than life itself!! To our devastation, my wife suffered a major stroke in April this year (start of this pandemic). She was doing really well, until they transferred her to a different hospital (a well known hospital that has the worst reputation in south London) where the staff didn't care (bank staff). It was here when my world was destroyed, my wife contracted Covid-19 and the staff refused to treat her, just gave her morphine to make what time she had left easier till she passed in my arms fighting to breath. My wife passed from Covid-19 related pneumonia. 6 months later, the hatred i feel for myself has come back with a vengeance, The emptiness, the loneliness is unbearable, the silence is deafening. I have a few acquaintances, no friends. Both of my wife's and my families no longer speak to me, our sons are great, but way too young to take on the burden of me and my problems, they have their own lives to live! All I do now is sit and cry, wishing and hoping that when i do eventually sleep, it will be for the last time. I really wish i was dead. My dying day is the only thing I have too look forward too, i can finally be at peace and be happy again, because I can finally be back with my wife!
0 likes, 7 replies
laura08496 jason36257
Posted
it's nice you don't want to burden your sons. but you should at least give them a hint about how you're feeling. i bet they would feel horrible if they knew you were suffering in silence.
jason36257 laura08496
Posted
No, they really need to concentrate on themselves! Besides, I am really not worth it!!
sam18386 jason36257
Edited
oh no Jason, if i could hug you i would! the problem is you have known nothing but sadness, losing your wife has been the ultimate final sadness. you need to find you. my dad lost his cancer battle aged 66 8 and a half years back. my mum had to find herself after she had nursed him his last few weeks at home. this illness is rotten, it takes anyone. your son's are you and your wives, i am definite if they knew how you felt they would feel exceptionally saddened just as you did when your lovely wife sadly passed. you are a dad just like mine. stay. your sons would be elated. tell them how much everything hurts, it will stop you been so eaten up inside.
jason36257 sam18386
Posted
No, I cannot put this on them. My wife was always the strongest out of us I am so tired mentally and emotionally of fighting all the time. There is nothing but pain and hope that I will be gone soon.
alice05414 jason36257
Edited
hey Jason, i am really sorry for your loss. But there are certain things you need to acknowledge. ..there are certain factors that you can control and certain you can't help with. Saving your wife's life was definitely not in your control but all the love that your wife has instilled in you and the time she invested in making you feel good about yourself shouldn't be wasted like that...would that be justice to her?
You don't need to die to be at peace sometimes you just need to live.
You need to be grateful for the life you have which let you a chance to be with your wife and than have 2 awesome sons...and that can only be done if you preserve what you have inside you and around you. Go ahead, be a strong and happy dad to your sons, express yourself out and share your love with them. Get help from a therapist regarding your mental health. Not everybody gets a loving wife and adorable kids like you do, be grateful and gather yourself up.
jason36257 alice05414
Posted
Yep thanks for the lecture Alice, much appreciated!
joshuapryce1987 jason36257
Posted
I do not know why you are angry with yourself, because of your wife's passing away. Love yourself and get something to remind you of your wife. There is no need to be angry with yourself. Repel the negativity that is telling you these things, they are not true.