Had enough

For as long as i can remember, I have always hated myself, always hated life. I have always been made to feel like i was never good enough, no matter what i did or do. The bullying was not only verbal but also physical. The verbal was the usual, constantly told how useless I am, how ugly I am, I would never be anything, you was a mistake in being born etc. Then a long with that was punishments, being hit with anything they could get their hands on, if they couldn't find anything, they would just use their fists, feet etc. The only time i became useful to anyone, was when i turned 18 and i could get loans in my name. Then people wanted me for what i could do for them! That was until my future wife walked into my life when i was 26, She was the first person to ever love and want me, for me. We have 2 brilliant sons who are now adults themselves . for 21 years I was finally happy, my wife was slowly helping me turn the hatred i feel for myself around. Then my wife' s health, started going downhill. Complicated heart problems and lung problems. Her heart was only working at 33%. Nothing was more important to us than our little family. The last 5 years I became my wife's full time carer, being together 247. She was my whole world, I love her more than life itself!! To our devastation, my wife suffered a major stroke in April this year (start of this pandemic). She was doing really well, until they transferred her to a different hospital (a well known hospital that has the worst reputation in south London) where the staff didn't care (bank staff). It was here when my world was destroyed, my wife contracted Covid-19 and the staff refused to treat her, just gave her morphine to make what time she had left easier till she passed in my arms fighting to breath. My wife passed from Covid-19 related pneumonia. 6 months later, the hatred i feel for myself has come back with a vengeance, The emptiness, the loneliness is unbearable, the silence is deafening. I have a few acquaintances, no friends. Both of my wife's and my families no longer speak to me, our sons are great, but way too young to take on the burden of me and my problems, they have their own lives to live! All I do now is sit and cry, wishing and hoping that when i do eventually sleep, it will be for the last time. I really wish i was dead. My dying day is the only thing I have too look forward too, i can finally be at peace and be happy again, because I can finally be back with my wife!

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