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Has my dad caused my anxiety disorder

Posted , 3 users are following.

richard61401
richard61401

Hi I have always suffered with generalised anxiety disorder and I can't really tell you why. But I can tell you that I have never got on very well with my dad. All through my child hood it was very much his way or the highway. He would go to work, come home and have a sleep on the sofa, then go to the pub for two or three pints. This was generally what happened every night. He would not engage in playing with us or taking any interest In Our school activities. Unless I was being bullied then he would take great comfort in telling me that I need to hit them back and make sure I get the last punch in. He also dismisses any idea I ever have to better myself by telling me that " it's not as easy as that " or play it safe and stay as you are" when we were kids he would go mad if we made too much noise walking up the stairs, playing in our room, the doors always had to be shut, basically we had to be seen but not heard. He would never help with homework, attend parents evenings, say well done, encourage me or my brother to try new things. If we got in the way he would say move out my bloody way but he would say it in this nasty voice. He is a big man standing at 6ft 2 inches and weighs 18 stone. So pretty intimidating. I have a vivid memory of my dad launching my he man castle grey skull across the room at my Nans when we were kids because I annoyed him. I'm my teens I started to feel anxious and really needed encouragement and guidance and got nothing. So I started to feel quite angry and my dad couldn't handle me and we fell out a lot. I started work and became an electrician and I tried to talk to him about going self employed and explained that it was something I really wanted to do but by the end of the conversation he had talked me out of it and made me feel worthless. Play it safe he said, job for life where you are he said, you don't wanna take risks he said. Thing is because this is all I've ever heard all my life I now have no confidence in my self and have anxiety issues which hold me back. Now that I have my own family I have started to see my dad in myself and really don't want my kids to feel like my dad made me feel. I feel that if my dad hadn't of treated me like he did o would not be anxious and miserable all the time. Today is Boxing Day and we went to my mums and dads for dinner. My dad spoke to my daughter like he used to speak to me in that negative loud tone and I kicked off at him. We ended up going home. Can anyone else relate to this or tell me if these experiences have caused my anxiety?

Kind regards

2 likes, 10 replies

10 Replies

  • borderriever
    borderriever richard61401

    Posted

    You describe a father born in the thirties, forties, My Father was born in 1920.

    The attitude you descride is very common and it happened to me in the fiftees. My siblings in the sixties were brought up differently because my Mother became a teacher and that introduced a more understanding bringing up than mine.

    Generally the way my Father was brought up was passed down to His son and not the Daughters. So you are not alone and your Father will have an old head on His Shoulders. Personally I do not really know what to suggest, to me it is strange He is passing the same thing down to your Daughter, the Mother would have taken over the girls education while the Father would use His whiles to bring up His Son and then pass on the way He was brought up

    I do not know how you would want to deal with this, you could talk to your Mother and explain your ideas of bringing up your kids and stipulate your preferred way of bringing up your family as modern families have a much more lax way of bringing up children in general

    I wish you well 

    BOB

    • richard61401
      richard61401 borderriever

      Posted

      Thankyou for your response. My dad is 58?and I'm 33. But I think my dad inherited his ways from my man who is very hard and cold person. All I know is that I do not want my kids to feel how I feel when they are older. I want them to follow their dreams and be happy. I am going to see a councillor/ therapist about my anxiety. I feel I could of accomplished a lot more thsn I have if I had some encouragement when I was a kid. If someone tells you you no good for long enough you start to Beleive it. I would of just liked to have heard him say " go for it if that's what you want to do " or you can do anything if you put your mind to it" instead of telling me I can't do anything risky and I'm no good. He just won't have it that I could make some real big money and do really well if I went self employed. He just wants me to plod along all my life. If I say I don't agree he gets really angry. Sometimes I wonder if he's jealous

    • borderriever
      borderriever richard61401

      Posted

      Richard it is your life, go for it.

      In my life I was dictated to and it made me very annoyed to feel I had other ways to go and was denied that choice. When I was a little older than you I was medically retired and the damage that was done finished me and I remained unemployable, until retirement.

      Run with your dreams, to hell with anyone else

      BOB

  • lee12629
    lee12629 richard61401

    Posted

    Well sure they can caus anxiety. I believe anxiety is a sum of past negative experiances. He did nothing to help your self esteam. I have seen the term toxic relationship or people used. Toxic,because its not a healthy situation. Please dont let him affect you this way. You are grown now and dont want your kids exposed to such negativity. Try and have a conversation with him. Let him know how you feel. Good luck. He may not want to listen,but then again,maybe he will come around.
  • lisalisa67
    lisalisa67 richard61401

    Posted

    As you keep trying to find a reason why in all this it is going to stir up a lot of confusing emotions. Your Dad behaved as he was most likely raised and only had a set amount of his own upbringing and life experience to raise you. Nicely said he probably did give you love, but the way he was shown love and taught you about life, the way he learned about life. So understood it was not to your liking and emotionally hurt you, but a man can not teach what he doesnt know know or love in a way he doesnt understand. We are mostly products of envornment and how it shaled us as individuals. Also, sad but true is not everyone has the same capacity to love. One mans pint of love is all he has. All he is capable of. I say this as i have learned to forgive my own upbringing as i truely understood one can only do their best and no more. Not for me to say what someones best is. But it is your control how you behave. If you know better, if you have more love to give then thats fantastic. Thats what makes you...you. I am not dismissing anything i am explaineing the reality of it. Many do walk away as well as toxic is toxic and it doesnt matter if its family blood or not. But do so with understanding and forgiveness because truth is holding grudges, living in the past yearning for it to play out differently will eat you alive and cause you a lot of harm and its not worth any of it. Its like holding onto a hot stone wanting to throw it. You get burned in the end. Maybe he also had anxiety as well and masked it or tried so hard to disguise it came out as you saw him. An xiety tends to run in families and manifests in all different ways,
    • richard61401
      richard61401 lisalisa67

      Posted

      Thanks for your reply. It's hard because I turn into a different person when I'm around my parents. I start acting like my dad does. Since I met my partner and had kids I've worked very hard to not be like my dad. But I also have anxiety and it don't think it will ever be resolved unless my dad is prepared to recognise that it is not normal to behave the way he does. I understand that his mom has probably wired his mind to behave the way he does but if I can acknowledge that it isn't normal then I think my dad should be able to. I can do something to resolve my own anxiety but my dad will still be the same and will always trigger me off. Talking to people the way he does with that nasty tone isn't normal. My partners dad was abused as a child and has had a stroke. He's now in a wheel chair and he doesn't behave like my dad. He's been through so much more than my dad and hasn't let any of it affect how he treats his kids or other people. He absolutely loves seing my kids and plays with them and jokes around with them. All my dad does is sit at the kitchen table puffing away on his vape. He has no people skills whatsoever. We just don't have any sort of relationship. All we did when I was a teen is fall out and fight because I wanted to choose my own path and do certain things. He speaks to my mum like sh*t, makes her wait on him. It's even worse now because I've been off work with testicular cancer and I've had to borrow money from him and he's thrown that back in my face on Boxing Day when we fell out

    • lisalisa67
      lisalisa67 richard61401

      Posted

      You cant change him!  You can change you. What you can do for yourself is kindly express your feelings to him, for you, not for him. He might not care nor be open to the emotion. Its all very complex at times.Everyone handles their emotions differently. But you express it for your own closure and if need be walk away as to not expose yourself or your children to that toxicity. In terms of yourself see a therapist to break the cycle. Anxiety can rear or manifest in many way..it can very well be bipolar as well.some become vulnerable and kinder as they learn from it and accept it but some become impatient and cold as they are embarassed by it and deny their own emotions even to themselves. I seriously believe and feel your Dad has chosen the later. I know it seems he is a jerk, and he might be but i dont think he means to be in his heart of hearts. Mental illness can really mess a person up forgive him and understand he is mentally ill, whether you believe it or not, you do not have to affiliate with it. You do need to break the cycle..please understand happy people do not hurt others.

      i know you dont understand what im saying but the forgiveness is vital to and for you to grow and change yourself. You are no longer a helpless child, you are grown. Self love is very very vital to a persons state of mind. You do have the access to vent how you have felt in a calm and quiet manner which will bring you closure. Way too heavy of a punishment to yourself to carry this load anymore.

    • richard61401
      richard61401 lisalisa67

      Posted

      I know what you mean. I am going to therapy and sorting my anxiety out. And I want to forgive and forget what happened in the past to have a relationship with him and let him see my kids but for that to happen he needs to change. Because I don't want my kids around so much negativity. All I was ever surrounded by was negativity and now I've got no confidence. I don't want that happening to my kids. He will just keep doing it over and over if I let him get away with it this time and just forget about it. He's a pain in the back side. I don't want to be one of those people who doesn't see their dad but I can't see any other option. He won't ever change.

    • richard61401
      richard61401 lisalisa67

      Posted

      I forgot to add to that it's my mum I feel sorry for. She doesn't drive so is limited to get places. She isn't going to see the kids as much now because of my dad. My partner won't allow my dad to be around our kids when he behaves like that. My partner said he needs to apologise before she will talk to him again. But my mum is the one who has to live with him and have all the s**t. I also feel really bad for saying all this about my dad because I do love him but he's just a horrible man sometimes. Thankfully he's not as bad as he was or I think that's maybe because I don't live with him anymore.

    • lisalisa67
      lisalisa67 richard61401

      Posted

      He wont change. If you want him in your life make some boundaries and rules. You are an adult now. This hooefully will get sorted in therapy. You are correct on the toxicity and negativity. Your mum needs love he most likely has caused her a lot of anxiety thru the years.
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