Hating myself

I am still off and on struggling with the idea that I have herpes. I had my first outbreak in July of last year. I haven't had any other outbreaks since then because I've been on daily meds. But 2 weekends ago I got very sick with a cold and began feeling my headache and leg pain coming on. After a couple days it went away. I then had protected sex 3 times with someone that week, but the condom broke once. After the first time, I had irritation, and frequent and painful urination. I began taking cranberry pills and drinking lots of water. It got better by the end of the day. A couple days later it started hurting again and for one day, there was blood when I wiped. After that day, it got better again. Today it's back to frequent painful urination and itching. I'm so miserable because all I can think about is that this is probably a recurrent outbreak and I slept with him! He has been distant the last few days and now all I can think of is that he caught it and hasn't talked to me about it. I'm sure it could be anything other than that, but I instantly think of that. I don't know the chance of him catching it of this is indeed an outbreak. I hate the fact that I caught this last year and how much my life has changed. I seriously just want to die. I don't wanna live anymore. My grandfather took his own life and all I can think of is how much I wish I had the nerve to do the same!! I don't want this life anymore.

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