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Haven't a clue what to call this

Posted , 5 users are following.

tina89895
tina89895

Is it right to self harm to get the motivation, energy enthusiasm to make me get up and go out to a 60th birthday afternoon tea at a very posh hotel. I agreed to go to try and be sociable which is one of the things I am suppose to try and do. I am lying in bed in a state getting angry irritated at myself because I've got no motivation, so the circle starts , angry at myself, feel useless that I get like this, hate myself for being like this then hurt myself to feel something then REALLY angry then I will go. Then likely take some medication diazepam and then have a few drinks this afternoon and put on a front. Not sure what I'm saying really as my heads a mess yet again. Been a real mess for the last 4 weeks more than normal. Stuff life it's s.....

Thanks whoever reads this rant.

3 likes, 11 replies

11 Replies

  • mari34228
    mari34228 tina89895

    Posted

    It's your birthday Tina. Don't go just to please other people, especially if that's what you have to do to get yourself there. Sometimes it does help to see people. Other times, when it's really bad, I think it can make you feel worse. Be kinder to yourself and be 'selfish' if you have to.

    And Happy Birthday! X

    • tina89895
      tina89895 mari34228

      Posted

      Thanks Mari sorry didn't make it that clear it is not my birthday but a lady from work, it is one off her bucket list to go to this castle for afternoon tea. I'm up, with a bit of physical persuasion!!!! even washed my hair now sitting here just staring. Still got a while before I'm picked up. If it was my birthday I wouldn't be sociable. Thanks for the birthday wishes I'll save them for later on in the year. X

    • mari34228
      mari34228 tina89895

      Posted

      Oh, ok! Well that's good you have started to get ready. But I'll stick with my advice (even more so now!). If it is causing you real pain (mental and/or physical) to go, then don't. But of course, if you can manage to get out and feel ok about it, then that's great and I hope you can relax and have a nice time! X

       

  • tina89895
    tina89895

    Posted

    Well that's me ready hope they allow jeans as I'm comfy in them, had a glass of wine for courage now pacing waiting for my lift. 😕

    • laura08496
      laura08496 tina89895

      Posted

      i'm glad you picked jeans to wear. that's something i would do. i understand about the wine...i hope you have a good time

    • tina89895
      tina89895 laura08496

      Posted

      I was late getting pciked up but I survived, lovely castle hotel bit too ott for me but the birthday lady enjoyed it, had a few vodka;s which helped and joined in some of the conversations but did start feeling anxious and restless at times but took time out looking at the grounds or the fancy loos, snooker room. Nice young good looking waiters lol. Thanks all for your support. x
  • mari34228
    mari34228 tina89895

    Posted

    Oh I always like a fancy loo! Sounds like you managed your anxiety well. Good for you for going, and not missing out on those attractive waiters! cheesygrin
  • hypercat
    hypercat tina89895

    Posted

    Hi it's never 'right' to self harm at all so please don't think it is.   This party sounds like it is too much for you to consider so don't go.  There are much easier things than this to keep trying so take it more slowly.  x

     

    • tina89895
      tina89895 hypercat

      Posted

      Hi I know self harm isn;t the answer but it helps me, these bl----- adverts on this site are now doing my head in, since they have changed it, computers again hope you got yours sorted. in the end  As you can see I did go it was ok, bit of a qucik change fo plans how I got home everyone disappeared  and they had arranged for the lady who I go walking with to take me home. Seemed bit of a rush to me as if they didn't want me nothing new there then. 

      Not feeling good this evening well most of today, took sleeping drugs and alcohol last night so slept most of the night alcohol again tonight, most probably why I am waffling and can't spell, waiitng for psyc appointment following several Gp appointment face ot face and over the phone durng the past few weeks/days to give me something to do while I wiait for this group therapy, /getting fed up, really down, blank, numb bad thougths/visions etc jsut feel as if everyone is agianst me I expect they are not but I don't see it that way.

      What a load of rubbish I've written better go to bed soon before I see the bottom of the bottle. Sorry for this.

      You take care of yourself you have been great support and help to me on here. 

      I jsut wish I coud do the same for other poeple..........................................xxx

      Jusr getting so tired mentally.................................................getting to that point yet again. 

      Got my sister coming soon got to tidy uo, make her bed buy food jsut can't face it but I will I hope.

      Sorry I am going on and on whicn is notwhat you most probably want.

      Sorry for the moan xxcry

      Better press the button or delte this, done now. 

  • hypercat
    hypercat tina89895

    Posted

    No worries Tina. I get where you are coming from and understand how difficult life is for you at the moment. I am glad you did go in the end but don't beat yourself up about everyone leaving and thinking they didn't want you there.  The main thing is you did go and you coped so give yourself a pat on the back. 

    You know while cutting helps in the short term it makes it worse in the long term.  The same with alcohol.  Just try and hold things together as much as you can until you get help. 

    Take care sweetheart xx

    Ps  no my site here is still up the creek.  The admin says nothing to with the site but is my lappy. My brain doesn't work enough to be able to sort it so I will just have to put up with it.  I don't like the new site layout at all!

  • robert68588
    robert68588 tina89895

    Posted

    Hi Tina.Rant on! We all need to vent every so often and the thing is I find that I do better when I do it on a forum like this with people I don't know,but that feel like me than the people I'm close to.Unfortuanately when your head/mind/brain whatever goes awry it really does become a vicios circle.Hope you have/had a good time.Been a mess myself for the lasr 8-9 months and think I'm finally seeing the light.Prayers your way and stay strong and take it a day at a time.Sometimes even hour to hour if you have to.God Bless You,Bob

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