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for years I have suffered from depression and anxiety and was diagnosed last year. it feels too unbearable. the constant over thinking and feeling bad about everything makes my head hurt so much and I feel like I'm drowning and suffocating everytime and I can't take it anymore. I analyse every conversation that I've had throughout the day and i critisize myself everytime and by the time I go to bed I feel drained from having negative thoughts. I recently came out of a toxic relationship that left me with a realy low self esteem and everyday I criticise myself and blame myself for everything that happened in the relationship . I find alot of difficulty in getting excited for things because everything good that happens is always too good to be true and ends up never happening and I would feel depressed because I would have become so excited and then 2 minutes after the anxiety kicks in and I think of everything that could go wrong and usually I'm always right and I feel like an idiot afterwards because i got excited for nothing. I live in a country far away from home because home was realy stressful as my mother was realy suffocating and strict and growing up I never had the opportunity to make new friends and experience teenage mistakes and relationships because my mother always had me at home on weekends and I was either at school or at home and forced to go to church on new years eve and sundays even tho I was secretly atheist. and that also messed with my self esteem and made me feel realy depressed by the end of high school so i moved to another country on my own. Being in a new country I've felt extremely alone and I haven't found people that I connect with yet. before my menstrual period I have to worry about the depression and anxiety becoming 10 times worse- the thought of living like this for the rest of my life makes me so worried. nothing is ever fulfilling i feel like i have tried everything and everyday is filled with emptyness - i feel like im drowning and my heart feels so heavy all the time and my head is just always filled with so many thoughts. I cant take it anymore...I dont know what to do .....it hurts to know that your google history has info on how to comit suicide and everytime I cross the street or go to the train Im wondering what it would be like to just jump infront of the vehicle. I dont know what to do anymore
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