having suicidal thoughts every time because I don't know what to do anymore

Posted , 6 users are following.

for years I have suffered from depression and anxiety and was diagnosed last year. it feels too unbearable. the constant over thinking and feeling bad about everything makes my head hurt so much and I feel like I'm drowning and suffocating everytime and I can't take it anymore. I analyse every conversation that I've had throughout the day and i critisize myself everytime and by the time I go to bed I feel drained from having negative thoughts. I recently came out of a toxic relationship that left me with a realy low self esteem and everyday I criticise myself and blame myself for everything that happened in the relationship . I find alot of difficulty in getting excited for things because everything good that happens is always too good to be true and ends up never happening and I would feel depressed because I would have become so excited and then 2 minutes after the anxiety kicks in and I think of everything that could go wrong and usually I'm always right and I feel like an idiot afterwards because i got excited for nothing. I live in a country far away from home because home was realy stressful as my mother was realy suffocating and strict and growing up I never had the opportunity to make new friends and experience teenage mistakes and relationships because my mother always had me at home on weekends and I was either at school or at home and forced to go to church on new years eve and sundays even tho I was secretly atheist. and that also messed with my self esteem  and made me feel realy depressed by the end of high school so i moved to another country on my own. Being in a new country I've felt extremely alone and I haven't found people that I connect with yet. before my menstrual period I have to worry about the depression and anxiety becoming 10 times worse- the thought of living like this for the rest of my life makes me so worried. nothing is ever fulfilling i feel like i have tried everything and everyday is filled with emptyness - i feel like im drowning and my heart feels so heavy all the time and my head is just always filled with so many thoughts. I cant take it anymore...I dont know what to do .....it hurts to know that your google history has info on how to comit suicide and everytime I cross the street or go to the train Im wondering what it would be like to just jump infront of the vehicle. I dont know what to do anymore

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8 Replies

  • Posted

    Hello Sarah

    Hunny I know how you feel and almost everyone on here feel or have felt like this. Today I'm having a bad day I have a bug and this always makes me feel worse I lay in bed till half an hour ago but was far to restless over thinking everything and that stupid felling of dread and doom in the pit of my stomach returned. Had to force myself to get up but I just can't concentrate on anything. How old are you Sarah and what country are you in? Are you on medication? I'm here to chat even thiugh it might take a wee while to get back to you but this place is a saving grace. Many days I've wanted to die not commit suicide just simply go to sleep never to waken. You're not alone xx

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    • Posted

      hi Kelly thank you so much for your helpful response. i live in england. i was put on zoloft last year but it made things worse and I was actng realy reckless and everything would be a huge blur if I went out and had as little as 2 drinks and I would end up in very sticky situations. it was twice as hard to wake up in the morning and I never got things done or managed to go to uni even tho uni was literaly a 2minute walk away. I am now trying 5htp and it sometimes works even though it gives me some abdomiinal pain and no appetite at all . I dont think I can take 5htp eveyday for the next two months as I have lost weight already and its not recommended to take it all the time 
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  • Posted

    Hi Sarah, although it sounds like we had different childhood experiences, everything you've written is the same for me, except I don't walk anywhere, so I just have thoughts of ploughing my car into something!

    I'm currently going through a bad patch, but I still have a mini me that pops into my head that says "you will come through this, it might take a little longer than usual, but you will get through it"

    I think where I overthink things and blame myself for everything, it's the same when I think suicide! I think of the feelings and emotions of everyone, from the moment that poor person finds my body and has to live with that image, all the way down the line to maybe other people blaming themselves! I wouldn't wish that on anyone, so I plough through the dark thoughts, I have my own coping ways, which I will not share here, but I come through to face another day, knowing that's one more day gone and hoping that's one more day closer to healing! It's certainly not a fairy story where we all live happily ever after, this depression seems to rear its head from time to time, but when I'm stable, I do have everything to live for, everything is "normal"

    Please know that there are many of us going through the same, it will get better and even talking on here can help

    Stay safe, stay in touch and take care of yourself

    Belinda

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  • Posted

    hi Kelly thank you so much for your helpful response. i live in england. i was put on zoloft last year but it made things worse and I was actng realy reckless and everything would be a huge blur if I went out and had as little as 2 drinks and I would end up in very sticky situations. it was twice as hard to wake up in the morning and I never got things done or managed to go to uni even tho uni was literaly a 2minute walk away. I am now trying 5htp and it sometimes works even though it gives me some abdomiinal pain and no appetite at all . I dont think I can take 5htp eveyday for the next two months as I have lost weight already and its not recommended to take it all the time 
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    • Posted

      Hi hun

      Is htp homeopathy? Have you been back to your doctors? Sometimes it's trial and error I lost my mum in march I'd had depression when I split from kids dad years ago but recovered. Things came to ahead in august and just had a complete breakdown. This has been the worst I've ever experienced I lost so much weight and hadn't eaten fir over a month. I'm on new medication it worked to start with appetite but the depression. Slowly crept back so it's upped slightly now over last week. Where are your family living ?xx

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  • Posted

    Hi Sarah I understand your need to be far away from your family but maybe you have moved too far as you are in a new country as well.   This will make it harder for you.  I left home at 18 to get away from my folks,  but I stayed in the same country and just moved to London.  That was hard enough so goodness knows how you are coping in a new country.  Could you move back to your own country?  Would that help? 

    I also never learnt to do lots of things while living at home which I should have been able to and this included making friends.  I watched how others behaved and bit by bit I learned how to and this improved my life immeasurably.  

    Another thing which I do (which I only just realised I do) is every time I have a negative thought it is immediately followed by a positive one.   So if I get up late I think 'Lazy cow'  and this is followed by 'At least I did get out of bed'.  This takes quite a bit of practice but it might help you.   It doesn't work for every situation but it sure does for most of them.   I hope this helps a bit.  x

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  • Posted

    Hi Sarah,

    Sorry to hear how bad it is for you just now. You're not alone.  I know exactly how you feel. I have been coping with suicidal thoughts since I was 13, I'm now 34. I know how tough it is.   When I was 19 I overdosed and expected to not wake up. 

    Ive only recently admitted to having these thoughts because was at my limit of pretending I'm fine.  I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression by psychiatrist and have just started some different medication.

    please go and get some help, be honest with how your feeling. I am also doing Cbt.

    this is my first post. I normally just read others replies but your post is so similar to how I feel and went through I had to write something. I hope it has helped in some way.

    take care.

    mazy x

     

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