Health Anxiety Almost Physically Killed Me

Hi internet, 

This time last year, I was laying in a hospital bed as my 9th trip to the emergency room, and my 4th hospital admission in the past 3 months. It had all started on halloween afternoon 2016 with a horrible aching/throbbing pain in my left arm, followed by chest pains and by 8pm that night, i was sure i was going to die. I went to the emergency room and they thought i had maybe sprained my wrists. Of course i hadn’t but i was told to go home and ice it even after i explained that my WHOLE left arm was hurting, and i was having chest pain. And that was the night it all began. 

I began feeling like i was going to die 24/7.  I couldn’t eat, and when i did i instantly got a sinking feeling in my stomach that would cause nausea and overtime i began to throw up everything i ate, unwillingly. I had moved my mattress out to the living room because i couldn’t see in my bedroom in the dark because i felt like I was going to die in my sleep and i was so scared. 

Then One morning i woke up, My whole back and legs were numb, I would shake violently when i would try to walk and I had my mom take me me to the emergency room once again. This is the first time they decided to admit me, Tbey really thought i had some kind of nerve damage. They kept my IV hooked to a bag of fluids because of my loss of fluids from vomiting like i had the flu, and it was obvious i was in some kind of pain. 

This is where it gets weird and tricky, My mom had come up to the hospital to stay with me for the night, i was in horrible condition and she was a little more then worried at this point. The night she stayed she hadn’t really been able to fall asleep, and it was around three in the morning she said she noticed me shaking in my sleep, I started have convolutions and i wouldn’t wake, Of course nurse came in the room and got he doctor when they did it was apparent i had a sezurie. It lasted for a few minutes and then i woke up. 

They had no idea what was going on, all my tests were fine, I had constant pains in my left arm, horrible sharp chest pain, breathing problems, my skin would turn blue and purple, my back and legs would go numb my whole body would get tingly, i couldn’t hold down any food hardly, I was shaking, having convolutions and i started becoming very distance. Surely i thought i was dying. 

I was diagnosed with a health anxiety disorder that led to psychotic episodes and 3 behavioral hospital admissions, including over the summer a month long stay at a high security residential home.

I guess how that came about was the obsession with death, how i was going to die, when i was, and where i was. I obsessed, i had to compleatly stop working. I had been in an relationship and I threw it away because of my insanity. I began planning elaborate suicides and every step so that it would turn out perfectly and i would die where i wanted, Not in a hospital from some stupid illness. The illnesses i obsessed over, the ones i was sure i had, so sure i had, that I could physically feel them. 

It’s been a little over a year now since that first night in halloween, the night that i thought i was going to die from a heart attack. 

It started out as minor health anxiety and ended in a horrible mess of insanity. I still have suicide on my mind, wanting control over my death. Laying in bed, emotionless, i’m writing this. I am not looking for advice. I just want to let people know my story. 

I don’t think you should be worried if your having health anxiety right now that you might turn out like this. 

I have no idea what happened, but doctors have assumed the psychological issues that started are from severe childhood traumas that happened throughout my adolescent years. But no one is that sure. 

Over the past two months i stopped my psych medications and therapy, none of it seemed to help, If anything thing it made it worse, Now i am just... Here, Still not dead.

But remember, Death is everyone’s fate. 

Thanks for taking your time to read. 

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