Health Anxiety: In need of some reassurance
Posted , 7 users are following.
I was going to journal about all this tonight, but I figured I'd write it here instead. Maybe some of you can relate to me. Or, maybe, some of you can offer reassurance or gudiance.
The last 10 months have been strange and awful. Sometimes the memories of when this all started feel very distant, very cloudy - as if it were all a dream. It started with the chest pains, like almost everyone else. Then I began to fear a host of other medical conditions. In a notebook, I kept a record of my medical fears as they developed. Each day was something new. MS, cancer, seizures, strokes, eye conditions, diabetes. All of it. I also noticed an uptake in other anxiety symptoms, like sweaty palms and tingling sensations in my face and hands. I had a handful of full-blown panic attacks, but mostly I just experienced a nagging and constant sense of fear.
Starting around January 2017, I began to feel dizzy and off-balance. This was accompanied by pressure in my ears. It persisted and I went to my GP several times. His first response was that it was just anxiety. He gave me some Ativan, saying it would calm my nerves and help treat my dizziness. I refused to take it. I still have the little bottle in my room - 10 tablets, very low dose. I'm just afraid to take them. So I kept going back to my doctor as the feelings got worse. It was hard to walk straight most days. My stomach was churning. It was like I was walking on a boat, or on a trampoline, or in a field of tall grass. Finally, my GP ordered an MRI of my brain. I had my MRI on April 28 and received an email from him a week later, saying the results "looked great".
I decided to believe the results of the MRI. It's a powerful diagnostic tool and I have no reason to believe it missed any abnormalities in my head. I also decided to stop seeing my GP. It's been over 2 months since I've been to a medical doctor - after I had been going once or twice a week! Things were OK at first. But slowly, a new fear has taken over my life. It was a fear I already had a little bit, but now it's all I can think about. I'm afraid of having a stroke.
The balance issues were bad enough. But lately I've been feeling a weird tightness in my head - like a rubberband around my forehead. Sometimes my left cheek feels tight (I've felt this on-and-off for months). Then, about a week ago, my left eye began to twitch. It hasn't stopped yet. Not a constant twitching, but it happens throughout the day for a few seconds at a time. This convinced me that I was going to have a stroke. I even imagine that I've been smelling things - weird things. Like, randomly I'll "smell" vanilla or coffee or lime or wood. But I don't actually smell these things. It's more that I think of foods and smells in my head for no reason -- maybe it's a normal thing, but I'm very frightened lately and it scares me when it happens.
Then, I started to focus on my speech. About a week or two ago, I was trying to tell someone a recipie. I was about to answer her question when suddenly I felt a flash of fear in my whole body - I was convinced I wouldn't remember the words, or wouldn't be able to vocalize them clearly. After 3-5 seconds, though, I said "black olives" clearly and the fear went down a bit. But I've become obsessed in the last few days with my memory and speech. I made a mistake last week and said "cat pile" instead of "dog pile". Sometimes I stammer a bit, which isn't typical for me. And then just tonight I was walking and praying, and it happened again. I was saying the Lord's Prayer in my head and stopped suddenly. I got that same flash of fear and weird feeling in my head, as if I couldn't remember the prayer or was going to start stuttering. But I shook it off, started the prayer over again, and said it fine.
At this point I'm just a wreck. Last night I started crying randomly for a minute or two, which hasn't happened in months. I'm far away from my family and it doesn't look like I'll see them this summer. They're not doing well, either. Between June 1 and today, I had the following happen: a stressful job training program; a very toxic person entered my life, which led to sleepless nights, paranoia, and some minor legal action; my father lost his job, which means I have 2 umemployed parents and a disabled sibling at home, a thousand miles away; and my cousin (who I don't like) is getting out of jail to live with my parents - a process that is causing them so much angst and worry. All this WHILE I've been working a semi-stressful job as a building manager for a conference center.
This was a useful venting for me. I don't expect people to read it, but if you did and feel like you could help me in any way, please leave a comment or send me a message. I'm just tired of all the fear, all the uncertainity, the constant feeling that something must be physically wrong with me - it can't all be fear. I know I'm young, I know I've had a million tests. But I still feel unwell most of the time. Why?
Thanks...
0 likes, 13 replies
Amykins21 Anxious_Nick
Posted
Hello!
I know ALL of your symptoms all too well. It is all anxiety. I have severe health anxiety for about 3 years now and let me tell you it's been nothing short of a nightmare. I'm here to reassure you that it is all anxiety. I'll go one day thinking I'm going to die from a heart attack, next day stroke, next I'm going to go blind. It's awful. I totally get the whole talking to someone or thinking of something and then just going blank and having that impending doom feeling that I'm losing my mind and going crazy. In fact it just happened to me tonight. It almost feels like everything is a blur for a few seconds and I'm never going to regain my memory or something. Then I snap back to normal and remember what I was going to say. It's a very scary feeling. I often think I'm going to lose my mind bc I'm so depersonalized and in a brain fog all the time. I feel so weak and like I'm walking on air a lot and like I'm going to fall over. Almost feel drunk when I walk. My vision is also very messed up too due to anxiety. Gets blurry and just feels "weird", but I've gotten my eyes checked and they're fine. There are over 100 anxiety symptoms. Anxiety is a horrible thing to live with. I've been struggling tremendously trying to figure out how to overcome this. I've tried all anxiety meds, but they just make me worse, homeopathic meds, acupuncture, reiki, and therapy, but nothing has worked for me. Maybe try some of the things I've listed bc people do have great success with those things, just wasn't for me. I hope you feel better and that I could reassure you that it's all just anxiety!
Anxious_Nick Amykins21
Posted
Thank you, Amy, for your nice reply. I'm still dealing with this eye twitch, but I feel slightly better after all the kind responses. The fear still kicks up, especially at night for some reaosn, but I'm trying not to run to the doctor for every little thing. Still, if this doesn't go away by this weekend, I think a trip to the eye doctor or to my GP is warranted. Trying hard to believe that it's nothing to worry about. Thanks again, Amy. <3
christophe65952 Anxious_Nick
Posted
Your fine I've been there that's the early stages of it when you fear that you have This and that and it feels real I know trust me I once convinced myself I was having a stroke in the morning then hours later something as bad the pressure in your head if it's been checked out is just a stress headache that's why your eyes can hurt or twitch when your mind gets overly stressed it can feel like you will forget things but you won't it's just your mind is stressed out and as you learn to deal with this anxiety all will return everything you have I've been there is like reading my progress lol you got this hang in there and if you aren't in therapy find a good one who can help you because it does help a lot
Anxious_Nick christophe65952
Posted
Thanks, Christopher, for your nice message. I'm still feeling pretty on-edge tonight, but at least I know (or have been reminded!) that I'm not alone. Other people are going through all this too. Others have already been through it and now are better, or dealing with some other worry. It's just part of my life I guess. My brain is wired differently and it's easy for me to worry. For now, my worries are centered on health concerns. Hopefully, with practice and help, I can redirect my focus elsewhere. Until then, though, it's nice to know that others really want to help. So I appreciate it, Christopher.
jan34534 Anxious_Nick
Posted
I have had ALL of your symptoms and thought I had a terrible disease. All tests came out normal. I have tripped over my words and said wrong things many times all due to anxiety. I have had and still do have the occasional eye twitch, tingling, feeling off balance, etc. ALL DUE TO ANXIETY And STRESS!!
When fear takes you over, the negative thoughts wreak havoc on your mind and body! All anxiety starts in the brain. So the key is to calm down the brain.
Twice a day I listen to audio meditations on you tube for anxiety. There are many to choose from. They teach you how to manage your anxiety and how to separate negative thoughts from yourself. They totally calm down my mind and body!
I think they could really help you! I use earbuds and lay down.
Dont react to symptoms with anxiety because that will increase the anxiety.
Calmly acknowledge your negative thoughts, then imagine them floating off and dissolving.
FEAR stands for false evidence appearing real. Fear is based on non reality, it's our mind going to the negative and believing those thoughts are true.
A great book called Mindfulness teaches you how to separate negative thoughts from yourself and how to manage your anxiety and fear.
Feel better !
Anxious_Nick jan34534
Posted
Thanks, Jan, for your reply. It means a lot to me. I'm still anxious about all these sensations, especially the eye twitch, but I also have come to realize that for the last year or so I've been having one major fear after another. Looking back over my own posts on this Forum alone serves as a kind of summary of my major episodes of panic. During Christmas, I was convinced I had stomach cancer or some terrible digestive disorder. But that went away. Then I was having heart flutters for the first time and thought I was dying. Those went away, too. (Most of the time anyway.) So you're right - my problem is that I can't be present. I always let my mind think about these feelings and fears. And when I allow those behind-the-scenes thoughts to completely take over, I end up having a full blown panic attack. It's a terrible cycle. So...I may go to the doctor for this eye twitch. Maybe get a referral to an eye doctor. But I really need to understand that a stroke isn't something that happens over the course of 2 weeks. We'll never be able to predict an illness, and if it happens it'll happen fast and be done with quickly, so it's best not to worry about it. Just live your life...which is something I haven't done in so, so long. I'll try to do better. Thanks again, Jan.
jan34534 Anxious_Nick
Posted
nicole99140 Anxious_Nick
Posted
I've had every single on every of your symptoms. I'm actually dealing with the same tightness and general ill feeling right now. It's a terrible thing to feel as though you are seriously sick and no one will believe you or help you. I've chalked mine up to anxiety and sinuses. I've had all the same tests as you have. I know it's tough, but try to believe the doctors (as I'm typing this, I'm reminding myself the same thing -- I have a hard time believing this as well). I hope you feel better soon! Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to.
Anxious_Nick nicole99140
Posted
Thanks, Nicole. I really appreciate your reply. I stopped posting on this Forum (other than the occasional reply) a few months ago, because I was told that constantly needing reassurance is a bad thing. But yesterday, when I wrote this post, I was in a really emotional state. And it actually did help me to receive all these nice replies -- especially since I haven't openly talked about these fears for so long. I was seeing a psychologist at my University, but he can't see me during the summer months even though I'm working on campus. I'm not sure he was helping me much to begin with, but it was comforting to look forward to that weekly appointment. I only saw him for about a month, so 4-5 sessions. Hopefully in August/September I can start again. The mindfulness stuff he was showing me doesn't seem to help much, but I'm still new to it. In the meantime, I may see my doctor about this eye twitch, and may try to get a basic eye exam...but I'll try super hard not to panic. Thanks again for your comment <3
nai84477 Anxious_Nick
Posted
Sounds just like me. I've had health anxiety for about 7 years now. It worsened 3 years ago. I just recently stopped my meds and it started again, so back on meds and to counseling I go. If all of the tests and diagnostic tools came that you are okay you can trust that I'm going to reassure you that you can trust it. Anxiety makes you feel unwell and when we think about something long enough our bodies begin to mimic what we've consumed ourselves with. Maybe you should speak to your doctor about psych meds and a referral for counseling. Counseling really helps as well because it gives you a place to vent and talk through what you are feeling. This too shall pass.
Anxious_Nick nai84477
Posted
Thanks, Nai, for your reply. I've avoided medication for several months now. When this started, my GP immediately gave me a little vial of Ativan tablets. And I still have all of them, untoched, in my desk. I know it would help me to relax, and I also know that other daily medication (like Zoloft) would probably change my life for the better. And yet I still shy away from it. Silly, I know. As for counseling, I was seeing someone last month but had to stop for the summer. It was through my University. He was starting to introduce me to Mindfulness and even though it wasn't working at all, it was so wonderful to have him to talk to once a week - even just for that one month or so. I'll try to start again in August or September. Until then, I'll do my best to relax. Maybe see my doctor or get an eye exam for the twitching. What you said is very true: each time I thought something would never end, it ended. And so will this. Thanks again, Nai. I really appreciate you.
jen1978 Anxious_Nick
Posted
I hope you have read some posts on this site. If so you will by now realise that you are not alone with your symptoms of anxiety and panic. I suffer daily and have had all your symptoms and more. I fear a stroke or heart attack almost constantly and am petrified of leaving the house as I think I will faint or drop down dead! Its taking over my life and I hide it from friends and family as I feel nobody will understand and will think Im mad....it certainly feels like I am most days.
If you go on a website called Nomorepanic it has a list of symptoms and you will see that all your symptoms are on there. Even the inability to speak properly or at least feeling you cant speak properly. It also tells you why you feel that particular symptom and what is going on in your body/mind at that time. I found it very helpful in understanding my symptoms. I hope this helps x
Anxious_Nick jen1978
Posted
Thanks, Jen, for your message. About 2-3 months ago I decided not to seek reassurance from others for all my nervous thoughts and constant fears. But when I made this post I was pretty emotional and at the end of my ropes. And I'm really glad I did because all these nice replies have helped me. I'm still feeling highly anxious and fearful, but I've calmed down just a tiny bit. Because you're all right: I've been down this path before, and so have millions of others. This isn't a unique problem. Lots of people have OCD and anxiety problems surrounding health. Some can handle it better than I've been able to, but that doesn't mean I'm alone with it. So I'll check out the Nomorepanic webpage, but maybe go to see my doctor about this persistent eye twitching. But I'll try super hard to relax throughout the process. Not worth the added stress. Thanks again, Jen.