Health anxiety is ruining my life

Dear Anxious,

Number One Rule with health anxiety is never, never, ever try to diagnose yourself online. It is guaranteed to make your anxiety worse. Don't do it.

Number Two Rule is really try to forgive yourself (and, if you can, forgive your anxiety). You did not wake up one morning and decide to be anxious! It is something that has happened to you (and to millions of other people as well). One of the most common side effects of having anxiety is Shame. You feel that you should be able to just shake it off or manage it better or fix it or make it go away but that isn't how it works. Have mercy on yourself. It is not your fault. Forgive yourself as best you can. Anxiety is a horrible place to be. I know, as I was in it for thirty years (you don't need to) and I am not now. You are, however, responsible for getting yourself out of it and I will explain how.

Anxiety is not a mental illness and you cannot die from it. It is an intense state of arousal in your nervous system, that's all, and you can get out of it (but not immediately, it takes a little practice). Anxiety is your own protective defense system being activated. It comes from a very primal part of the brain and doesn't listen to the more recently evolved frontal cortex (your executive rational thinking) therefore you cannot 'think' your way out of it. That's why nothing you do works.

So, the way out is counter-intuitive. Instead of fighting , resisting, fixing and hating your anxiety (which all cause your nervous system to be more aroused and therefore gives you even more anxiety symptoms) you need to accept and embrace your anxiety. You need to make friends with your anxiety! You need to accept it, but in a very particular way. You don't need to believe all your catastrophic anxious thoughts. They are pure BS. They are not true. What you need to do when you are anxious is take yourself, as much as you can, out of your head and into your body. Examine and allow all the anxious sensations in your body. Remember they can do you no harm. Put your attention on those sensations and actually look at them. Is your heart beating fast? Are you sweating? Are your muscles cramped up? Do you have butterflies in your tummy? Are you shaking? etc. Where is the centre of my anxiety in my body? What shape would I give to it? What colour? What image? Remember you are trying to get to know your anxiety not run away from it, which is what you've been doing so far, and which only makes your anxiety worse.

The real core problem you are facing is the fear of fear. Your instinct is to run away from the sensations of fear but you need to do the opposite. You need to move toward your fear, only then will it relax and allow your nervous arousal to subside. You may not be able to do this very much to start with and that's okay. The important thing is to make the intention to move in that direction. Toward you fear. Remember, the very worst thing it can do to you is make you feel extremely physically uncomfortable which is not nice but, believe me, the only way is through. Decide every day that you are going to be anxious and you're going to have these anxious thoughts. Allow them to be there. Don't try to stop them. Get through your day as best you can. Some days will be better than others. When you do run away (which you will at times), forgive yourself and try again the next day. Remember, accept and allow these anxious thoughts and feelings. Observe them if you can and your anxiety will gradually fade away.

It is only maintained by you trying to fix it and fight it. Don't open your business for a while (more stress). Let yourself of the hook, but do keep busy with your crafts (occupy yourself, rather than think too much)

Your child will be fine. My son was 7 when my wife died and I was anxious all through his childhood but he has grown up to be a fine well-balanced young man and if anything the experience brought us closer. One of the benefits that anxiety does bring is it makes you a more compassionate and empathic person. Humour is a really useful tool. Anxiety always takes itself very, very seriously. Be kind to yourself, take a nice hot bath to help you sleep. Be easy on yourself. You only need to be a 'good enough' mum and a 'good enough' partner. You don't need to be perfect. After all, nobody else is!

Good luck and God Bless xxx

I could of written your post I am exactly the same. Literally have the exact same symptoms. It's so so hard. I wish I had more words of encouragement for you. Stay off Google (I know it's hard as you are desperate for reassurance and will make you 100000000 %worse) use the parental lock on your phone to limit your usage and websites you can use. I also have a daughter who is 7 and just explained that some days I need extra rest but it always makes me feel better when she spends that time with me either reading or a movie or listening to an audio book. We also started the headspace for kids series so we can both benefit hopefully. Sending hugs I know it's hard but keep your chin up you are not alone x

Hi - really feel your pain here, i have a similar issue, convincing myself it's this or that, googling all sorts of things, it does make it much worse, i won't say to bury your head in the sand, but time away from a screen is a decent remedy, i often feel i'm not being a good dad, or i dismiss my children sometimes as i'm not focusing, i'm thinking about a little pain in my side, or a skipped beat etc etc, i guess my point is you're not alone in feeling this way, hope all is better soon