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I've been suffering with health anxiety since I was around 11, thinking I had all sorts of cancers, diabetes, MS, MND anything, but lately this year it has been extremely bad. I am looking to see a counsellor but I can't seem to find one. I mean at the moment I'm racking up a different cancer every week.
Right now it's a brain tumour I'm convinced I have but this all makes me very scared, because even if I don't have it right now, I could have it in the future and thinking about all of this and the fact that I am not respected because of who I am I feel like going nowhere and I genuinely want to, at this point want to kill myself.
I'm done with worrying and thinking of if's, but's and maybe's, all I do is bother my friends with the fact that I am dying. I am a burden and I make it depressing. Doctors always tell me I'm okay, that is when I do have the courage to see them, my fiends always tell me that I don't have whatever rare cancer but it makes me think they jinx when they say that.
I hate this so much because it keeps me awake and makes me feel like total rubbish all the time. It's exhausting. All I do is read through forums all the time. People tell me to accept the fact that I am going to die, but it really doesn't seem to help, I want to die old. I want to experience things, I just don't really want to die at all but the uncertainty of everything makes me want to do it myself, so I know what is happening, to end the suffering.
I'm just sick and tired of all this anxiety and feeling weak and ashamed. I feel numb. I don't want to feel anything anymore, I don't want to experience symptoms or feelings, because they are really hard to deal with. I just want disappear.
I'm really at a loose end because I don't understand anything anymore, I mean the fear was going o the brain tumour as it had seemed to be in focus today but my eye just suddenly went into my nose. I'm getting these freezing sensations in my head, I can't deal with this being worried all of the time. It's stressing me out so bad.i don't know what to do anymore. I just want to be a normal teenager.
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