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Health Anxiety makes me want to kill myself?

Posted , 6 users are following.

conor11866
conor11866

I've been suffering with health anxiety since I was around 11, thinking I had all sorts of cancers, diabetes, MS, MND anything, but lately this year it has been extremely bad. I am looking to see a counsellor but I can't seem to find one. I mean at the moment I'm racking up a different cancer every week.

Right now it's a brain tumour I'm convinced I have but this all makes me very scared, because even if I don't have it right now, I could have it in the future and thinking about all of this and the fact that I am not respected because of who I am I feel like going nowhere and I genuinely want to, at this point want to kill myself.

I'm done with worrying and thinking of if's, but's and maybe's, all I do is bother my friends with the fact that I am dying. I am a burden and I make it depressing. Doctors always tell me I'm okay, that is when I do have the courage to see them, my fiends always tell me that I don't have whatever rare cancer but it makes me think they jinx when they say that.

I hate this so much because it keeps me awake and makes me feel like total rubbish all the time. It's exhausting. All I do is read through forums all the time. People tell me to accept the fact that I am going to die, but it really doesn't seem to help, I want to die old. I want to experience things, I just don't really want to die at all but the uncertainty of everything makes me want to do it myself, so I know what is happening, to end the suffering.

I'm just sick and tired of all this anxiety and feeling weak and ashamed. I feel numb. I don't want to feel anything anymore, I don't want to experience symptoms or feelings, because they are really hard to deal with. I just want disappear.

I'm really at a loose end because I don't understand anything anymore, I mean the fear was going o the brain tumour as it had seemed to be in focus today but my eye just suddenly went into my nose. I'm getting these freezing sensations in my head, I can't deal with this being worried all of the time. It's stressing me out so bad.i don't know what to do anymore. I just want to be a normal teenager.

1 like, 10 replies

10 Replies

  • kelsey23666
    kelsey23666 conor11866

    Posted

    Wow! Your a teen! I remember those years! It wasn't too long ago for me! I'm now 22! Had a birthday today and look what I'm doing looking on these forums because I can't enjoy anything because I to worry about the fear of dying! I also have panic attacks which are the worst thing! I have only suffered for a year with anxiety but it has defiantly taken a tile on my body! I do the same thing! Last week I had real bad dizziness so of course I went to the ER convinced something was up with my brain and nothing cat scan came back clear! I've also had a CT of my chest because I get the chest pressure and pains! It's all anxiety! I just recently started taking a new medication so I'm hopeful! Your lucky you don't also have a 1 year old to take care of! I'm physically and mentally exhausted! Hope you get some relief your not alone! I also sleep terribly to! I'm always on edge and very nervous! I used to love going out now I won't even go out to eat with family!!
  • NatCali
    NatCali conor11866

    Posted

    Taking your own life is NEVER EVER the answer even if that seems to be easier than living the life your living. I have severe health anxiety. I have racked up over $4000 in medical bills because of it and I still have the what if's. Accepting that we are all going to die at some point does scare me so much. I want to know that I'm going to live to be old too. But the truth is we don't know. And people like us consume our lives worried about death and something being wrong with our health and we are wasting precious time not enjoying life. Believe me I know how hard it is. It's so defeating and exhausting to go thru this but you aren't alone and you need to seek some professional help/guidance so you don't have to do this alone. You are young and have a full life to live and unfortunately we don't know when our time is up and it scares me too. I don't ever want to die but I don't want to keep living the way I live either. In fear and worry. Life is precious and you can overcome this. I have a hard time telling myself this too but Us Worrying isn't gonna get us anywhere except for unhappy. And we deserve to be happy! Please don't ever think not living is the answer bc it's not!
    • conor11866
      conor11866 NatCali

      Posted

      Yeah, I get it, I mean I just want all of it to go away and not bother me. It really sends me into a spiral of lots panic and I just feel so hopeless. I just kind of want to stop feeling like I'm constantly drowning and suffocating because I never enjoy myself anymore, I'm always on edge. I'm always checking and making sure and doing this to make sure I'm safe or that and it feels nessecary. It just feel like it'd be better if I was gone.
  • josephine82340
    josephine82340 conor11866

    Posted

    Hello. I've never had health anxiety but I was married to a man that did. We were together from the age of 17 and he even got taken off doctor's books because they thought he was wasting their time and costing the NHS money and time too. All I can say is that he got to the age of 24 and he started to look at life differently and it all happened overnight without any reason for the change and this could happen to you so don't give up. Anxiety takes many forms in our thoughts and behaviours and this is how yours is coming out. Try and get to see a counsellor if you can as they may find the root of the problem and where it came from which might make it easier for you to recognise when it started and why it's taken over your thoughts. Hope you find a way to a more carefree life soon and are able to start enjoing it. Take care.
  • laura190594
    laura190594 conor11866

    Posted

    You are definitely not alone and I promise you won't feel like this forever! I think we all have a fear of dying, its natural because its in our nature to keep ourselves safe. I know that its really scary and exhausting to feel like this all the time, I had a brief period when I was really scared of death and had intrusive thoughts about dying and taking my life which really distressed me, as, like you, I want to die old. When I felt like that I went to see my doctor who gave me some antidepressants and referred me to a counsellor and I can't explain the difference in how I feel now. I would really suggest you do the same as me, as you are so young and have got such a great life ahead of you. This is just a blip. It will go, I promise. You are normal, everyone has these kinds of thoughts, its just because we have anxiety that we react differently to them.  
    • conor11866
      conor11866 laura190594

      Posted

      Thanks, I've got my first appointment with a counsellor on Sunday, but it's just in the meanwhile that scares me because I had counselling when I was 12/13 for obsessional, compulsive and intrusive thoughts, and that's really come back, I guess I just need to hang in there for a while. Good thing is, I'm not worrying about the brain tumour as much, I just snapped out of it yesterday, still wary,but the eye thing has seemed to gone, i'm just being a bit forgetful which I think is probably anxiety.
    • laura190594
      laura190594 conor11866

      Posted

      I'm so glad you've got an appointment smile Intrusive thoughts are the most scary part of anxiety in my opinion, but the trick to dealing with them is to not give them your attention, which is really hard to do at first. A counsellor will help you to do this and once you've got the hang of it you'll be fine! We all have horrible thoughts at times but most people just don't react to them. Because we have anxiety, we react to them and that's why they distress us so much. I hope your appointment goes well. xx
  • dan09497
    dan09497 conor11866

    Posted

    Be happy that you have friends to talk to. I have the exact same feelings, and 0 friends. And the same stupid thoughts about the *thing* that i don't like to mention.

  • Guest
    Guest conor11866

    Posted

    I don't have health anxiety, I just have straight up poor health.  I have always been sick with really unpleasant symptoms since I have been very young.  It gets worse every year.

    This makes me want to kill myself, because I am sick of feeling sick.  Imagine not being able to live your life because you feel sick all the time.  I take around five different medications during the week, just to feel sort of normal.

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