Help I've upset my wife (who has Fibro) - URGENT!
Posted , 8 users are following.
Looking for an insight from those of you suffer with this....
I didnt mean to but I do find it difficult sometimes.
Im sure you're all aware of this no-one can see how bad you are. No excuses but I've been working long hours this week and am really tired. Stupidly I made a comment that it was ok for her she had a day off today so could sleep all day but I had to go to work. (We pay for childminder few days a week so wife can rest).
Shes gone ballistic to say the least!
I guess some of you have had it in your time. I suppose its just frustrating to feel so ill but everyone thinks you're just lazy. I get that why wife is so upset.
Normally I understand. And I do my best to arrange childcare, someone to clean the house. I was just so tired last night and, I suppose, a bit jealous that she had all day at home. Not good from me.
I really dont want her to be upset over this and think I'm like everyone else. Please help.....
1 like, 18 replies
jillian41791 paulfoel
Posted
I can understand how you feel and also your wife. Read this to her and she might like also to follow these forums as well.
I'm jealous that she has good support like you! She is lvery lucky to have such a supportive husband like you!
Mine is mostly disbelieving, as most people are, that I really have a problem with fibromyalgia. I wouldn't make this up, and we don't choose to be this way. I'd swap any day if there was a taker! It's truly a horrible experience to have to live with and there are many things, STRESS...feelings, memories, fears, the cold weather, others behaviours, to name a few that may set off a fibro flare, chronic fatigue, over doing it physically&/or mentally, lack of sleep, depression..I/most sufferers find it hard because we can make a real effort to look good on the outside and lots of mind talk to think and stay mindful and continually thinking positive as long as we can that we have to crash eventually. I always crash into a fibro flare by the end of the day, sometimes in the morning too, depends on the trigger. Tick the box Paul to stay in discussion to see what others say- wish my husband cared enough to seek advice like you are- you're a gem!
paulfoel jillian41791
Posted
Hi Jillian, Thanks - Im not perfect by any means. I can be a right PITA at times I know that. I get way too stressed at things and tend to go on about things too much.
But yes I have sorted out childcare, cleaners etc but thats because its something Im good at sorting. Helping other ways like keeping the house clean Im a nightmare.
Possibly the worse is I should have backed down last night. It wasnt clever what I said so even though she overreacted it still upset her. But stupidly I let i carry on and escalate and wouldnt give in because I had to be right.
Yeh I know, you might be thinking whats the matter with my wife. She has her ways. And yes I do think its nuts that shes now saying shes going to remember this one comment forever. I try my best and even I know there must be worse partners around that me! But sometimes.... But end of the day we've been married 20 years and despite it all I love her to bits....
sukes paulfoel
Posted
have sent you a pm.
loxie paulfoel
Posted
Paul - your reaction is perfectly understandable. I have fibro and I know my partner has to contend with a lot of griping on my part when I dont feel up to doing much, like things we had planned having to be cancelled, me not being able to do certain things so he always has to, etc. Whilst I appreciate we the sufferers have a terribly difficult time coping with this rotten disease and getting others to understand, I know from my own personal experience that we do tend to become totally absorbed by it and to be honest, rather self focussed - yes, I know I am in pain and exhausted etc., etc., but sometimes other people are too - maybe not from fibro but from 'life' - I know I need to stop being so totally wrapped up in my own issues and give some sympathy outwards too. I was reminded of this recently when I was in a conversation with other people having treatment at the same time as me. There were MS patients, a cancer sufferer and a few of us with fibro. It was a real shock to me to note how we the fibro sufferers were the ones who moaned and complained most whilst the other patients, with terribly serious complaints just 'got on with it' and didnt spend their whole time analysing every ache and pain. It may be that fibro is very much under recognised or understood and we week some form of acknowledgement for our symptoms but I did determine at that moment I would stop being so sorry for myself and making fibro my identity. Dont beat yourself up, I'm pretty sure your wife appreciates you doing the best you can most of the time - she probably had a really bad day with it and was short tempered, as you were. it happens.
paulfoel loxie
Posted
Problem is sometimes I feel like Im not allowed now to ever be ill, tired, in a bad mood etc because it can never be as bad as her. Which annoys me.
And like last night, I do my best, act like an A@@hole on time and Im the worst husband in the world.
jillian41791 loxie
Posted
Loxie, You described living with fibro so well. Paul It really is that bad a fair bit of the time for me also because it upsets us with FM how it upsets those around us: I really feel for husbands and wives and siblings and parents and friends who do their best to support us. My husband can't cope with it especially because of all the extra physical work he has to do and we are now under huge financial strain. I am 54, he 57. I have ankylosing Spondyloarthritis and fibromyalgia, and increasing circulatory problems which I'll be working on seriously this week between my Dr and rheumatologist. Commencing with Humira this week as current meds not adequate anymore. I know I need to get away from stress as this intensifies fibro flares and depression.
(Apparently cymbalta works pretty well with reducing intensity of fibro flares).
All this within 18 months.Had to resign my job in March after 6 months leave, my health problems causing so much financial stress also that we may be forced to sell the farm. This is causing him daily stress. I have regular counselling, he refuses it. He hates me to talk about it: feel like I need to move out again but it's such an effort to physically, mentally do this- then he says he'll leave.
I feel like I'm also dying of a broken heart because my husband won't touch me or allow me near him. shuts me out, most of the time he walks around like I'm not here. When he speaks , majority of the time it is negative or demanding or chastising. He refuses to attend any appointments with me, and expects me to make out there is no problem around him and other people. I'm stronger more often than not recently as positive thinking, building support systems for me and us to get through this and trying to reassess and adjust to forced changes is taking an extremely big effort.
..I feel I'm constantly weighing up pros and cons, of do I or do I not move out. Despite all our new problems, I believe we still need each other. Positive thinking, planning, focus, astrology, lyrica to help get a good sleep at night, dietary changes, daily affirmations, mindfulness and 5 young grandsons and these forums keeping me in the right head space at the moment. Probably go home to see my sisters next week to give us both a break. Sometimes it's just got to be about me, while I try to adjust: sometimes I need to be alone- sometimes I just need a hug.see if your wife ,Paul, will be interested in being involved in these forums.It helps me to express myself and reminds me I'm not alone with this.
sukes jillian41791
Posted
Magpie2me jillian41791
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Dear Jillian, I feel moved to reply to your comment sweetie. I'm sorry you are dealing with so much at the moment. Marriage is difficult even under normal conditions. The pressure is on today on all relationships but marriage is a big demand. Men in general have difficulty dealing with emotions and especially their wife's feelings. When illness is involved, then the pressures are are more extreme. Personally, I think you both need a break from each other so that you can think more rationally. Sometimes couples get caught up in resentments and negative feelings, and the situation becomes stagnant. Getting away and having time to assess and think, can help you both to have a clearer outlook. Men become overwhelmed and don't know what to do. We often expect them to have empathy and just know what we need or to show more compassion, but men just do not think like we do. So expectations can definitely affect the relationship. I have learned not to expect or presume, and I am less disappointed and pleased when my husband does take any initiative. Write in a journal all your feelings Jillian. Get them all out and you will find that you can reason more rationally. Confusion, resentment, sadness, fears, etc can blind us and make matters worse. Be responsible for your own well being. Lower your expectations sweetie and you will be less disappointed and he will feel less overwhelmed. They just cannot handle that 'stuff'. Glad you are taking positive steps to help yourself my dear. Never despair. Things will get better. Maggie xx
eves2072 paulfoel
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jillian41791 sukes
Posted
jillian41791 Magpie2me
Posted
Magpie2me paulfoel
Posted
You are a humble man Paul. A man who admits a fault is certainly a keeper. Saying you are sorry and maybe some flowers should help. But heh Paul, having Fibromyalgia does not mean we don't have to work on our own personalities as well. We are not the easiest people to live with neither. Don't panic. I think she knows the man she is married to and is well aware of your qualities. This too shall pass. I'm sure she has said things to you as well, that she wishes she could take back. That's marriage Paul! Forgiveness plays a crucial role.
paulfoel Magpie2me
Posted
Know what you mean though. Sometimes shes just not herself and does and says thinks that just dont make sense to me.
But married 20 years, together 25 years. Two kids - inc one 3 yr old (now this is hard work for her!). What do I do? I dont want to split up etc.
Magpie2me paulfoel
Posted
jillian41791 paulfoel
Posted
Paul, is it possible that your wife could join in with us on these forums, I know it is really great therapy for me:- to help others is to help ourselves and it takes some pressure off the ones that love us who are trying to support us.
I'm wondering what other outside support you guys have especially since you have such young children:- and also how long since your wife has checked in with the Dr and fibro specialist again. I'm waiting about cymbalta today which is meant to reduce the number and intensity of fibro flares. I m feeling quite desperate for it to work, if it doesn't then we'll have to try something else. Please don't be afraid to ask for extra physical help, and counselling. Fibromyalgia really does my head in and I don't have 3 young children at home. She must be in constant fibro flare as it messes with our emotions, hormones and also causes chronic fatigue, forgetfulness, memory loss and confusion and depression. It's like bring on a roller-coaster ride at times and usually the worst for me the later it gets in the day and the more tired I get.My Dr prescribed Lyrica 150mg to me to help me get a decent nights sleep.it isn't a sleeping tablet but relaxes the body so I can sleep. If I'm extra anxious/worried about something, I'm allowed the extra 75mg within the 24HR period.I have 150mg lyrica every night with endo (low dose antidepressant) and 2 other prescribed meds which have smallest amount of antidepressant in them. Initially I refused anything with antidepressant in them then the worse depression got I realized I needed to change my attitude and give it a go.