Help me and tell me what to do?? my backpack is getting to heavy to carry

Hello everyone!

Before I start telling you 1 part of my story, I will apologize for my lackness of re-checking my spelling mistakes!

I just feel that I need to write it straight from the hart without paying attention on my spellings at the moment (I admit I am not a talent in spelling)

So I am a young 23 year old always worked hard ( since 12) and grew up with a fallen apart family. With this I mean that my parents got divorced when I was 9 and then my mother had to take care of 5 kids on her own.

Everyone was twat at that early age, I still respect my mom on how she managed to do it.  I deffinetly remember her breaking down points and those moments crushed my hart!

Seeing her cry cause her son is in jail again or her oldest daughter is missing for 3 days with bad friends.  I was yound still and walking around on streets on a early age searching for my sis!

I remember we had always fights in house, I just to lock myself in a room and pray so hard till it was quit again or it became worses. 

I didn't like trying to fall asleep when my mom was yelling at my sister or older brother. But I had to cause I had to go to school the next morning and the to work.

Coming from school and then seeing a police car in front of the house would  make my hart go to my knees and I would turn white and runn to home thinking that something went wrong now.

So I kinda grew up in a lot of stress and anxiety environment.

At a age of 18 Things would get worse the fighting in the family become more and more. My dad was not involved with this because my parents were divorced but we still had contact with him.

I was graduating from High School with my best friend, who has experienced everything with me and lived near my family our whole youth. We would stick up for each other get each other in trouble or fix a job for each other at a restaurant or shop. 

When I graduated I thought I need to live on my own and leave this environment so I went to search for possibilities and found a assosiaction that works with young people and help them build their lives offering them a house or room and help them through their financial stuff.

I was goiing to college at that time and had a little house/studio and was working 2 jobs. I loved it and felttt soooo happy untill.

I was foccusing on my self, it looked like puberty came at a later age around 19 and I was looking at my own image and felt like Hey I can controle that!

So I was allready a very sportive girl, but this time I through myself in it and ater living a year in my house It seemed like I turned Into partying, drinking, trying out drugs, getting into trouble with financial stuff and I was abussing myself by eating eating eating all my feelings away. And then I will never forget the first day I did it!

I came home after a bbq  and felt so sick and told myself whyyy whyyy amd I making myself so sickk!! So i Purged and I felt such a relieff!!

It didn't stick at that time I was turning 20 and it became worses first it was once a week , then it becames 3 times a week and soon it became every day somethimes, 3 times in 1 day. 

I thought no I can control it whenever I want but soon I began to loose too many kilo's and my environment noticed but I kept my head high and said yeahh buddy I am working out!

My friend smeld something wrong and I thought S**ttt I can't controll thiss anymore and did tests online etc. 

The moment when I told a teacher was when I started purging in school as well! I couldn't anymore! I was sick of hidding!

I felt so lonely

I couldn't share it with anyone

I figured out that this had a reason from where it came from

And that's my feelings not knowing how to process the past and continue on.

I never had a structered eating pattern when I was young never!

We were happy when there was a meal at the end of the day.

But loosen from that After telling my teacher, she said look for help!

I did and then I was trying to recover on my own only my friend knew.

21 i came back from summer break and was about to graduate

I was also goiing to therapy and having 2 jobs. 

the work load was much but for me it was like running away from beiing alone. My mindset was like ok stil 6 months and I have a degree come on push through you can do itt!!

At those last 6 months of college my father dies and I have to go and barry him! I go and do so with the whole family and even my friend comes along!

I began to think, Is life ever gonna be easier?? Is this a way of bringing the whole family together. Is this a way? Does someone has to die so we can all be with each other?

I finished those last 6 months at school and passed! but the proccesing of my fathers dead during those 6 months I had to do on my own!

I was isolating myself and arguiing with my best friend and she always takes it to the next level .. ussually I just walk away cause I know I can't winn a discuission with her she uses the right words and comes out to strong .

This time I was not taking anything of that so I punched her in the face and went off!  I know that I couldn't do that. I admit I was wrong by that action.

And I appoligized a few months later, but she held her pride high and I was not taking that either, so I just walked off this time and thought.

We have fought so many times spended a youth together you helped me barry my dad. And yet you still find a boyfriend which you meet  and date a  for 1 year  more important than having a soulmate/ friend for since we were 1 years old.

Now I am at uni, and still recovering allready did 2 months.

But this time a dark periode is coming along! I am feeling that black hole again. I am isolating myself starting to binge again not goiing to exams cause I haven't studied enough so I put more pressure on me to do it during a resit week with 1 change only!

I don't know were life is taking me and I always say to myself I will never give up, and I know I will not.

But I just can't work my ass off everytime and thinking it is gonna be allright one day?

I am tired and I am goiing to the wrong direction again!!

I started praying, and I know you need to be patient, but I come from a family without patience so I am trying to do diffrent!

What can I do I don't know were summer if taking me I have no new room/home and I need to find a way to pick myself up and pay off my debts and have a structure.

Please if there is anyone out there who can let me know that there are more people who are struggling and letting me know that there is hope!! 

Please answer my first written topic!

Any tips about it are welcome!

0 likes, 5 replies