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I don't know what to do. I just can't do it anymore. It's been going for so so long and it's getting worse, I just want it to end. I want it to stop. I don't care how I just need it to stop. I am afraid to get diagnosed by a professional cause I am afraid of what they would say. Also, i can't really afford thrapy. I think I am going insane. My vision is getting worse, i can barely see with one eye, i am getting paranoid , i feel like me or someone close to me will die or something worse would happen to us. I feel like death is following us, i feel that if I look over my shoulder I will see it following me. I wasn't so paranoid before, it started a month ago. I think because a lot of people have been dying around me. My lover's mother died, a friend of mine died, my classmate died, my cousin had a hearth attack and died. My grandma is very old and sick and she keeps saying she'll die soon so she needs to get things done and over with. My mum is sick and is in the hospital. My father doesn't call anymore like he used to. He dissapeared from my life again. My little sister hates me cause I just can't play with her. I am so irritable. Everything annoys me. I can't control it. Getting out of bed is so hard it takes me so long to do it. I fee like I have no control over my body. I can't see myself having any future whatsoever. My brain is very fuzzy and my memory is messed up. I feel like I am running out of time. I want to go to medschool but I can barely make myself study. I can barely study for school. I can't focus on anything. Everything I do goes bad or isn't enough. Nothing pleases me anymore. It takes me so so long to study and i can't even be happy when i get a good grade. Money is really bad and my mum is sick so she spends a ton of money on doctors. I was also diagnosed with hypothyroidism and mum thinks my depression has something to do with that. But what about my paranoia, my feeling that someone will die? I am starting to become too afraid to get out of the house. I feel really scared and it drains me emotionally. I constantly feel like something bad will happen. And at night is the worst. I even have dreams with people or me dying. With funerals. I attempted suicide a while ago. I swallowed a fist of some pills but I got scared and made myself throw them up and drank a lot of milk. I am also trying to lose weight and i heard exercises help with depression. Mine don't. Nothing does. Nothing good ever happens that me. I don't really want to die cause there are things i wanna do and my family doesn't deserve that kind of pain. But i can't take it anymore. I just can't deal with the pain. I feel like it's paralyzing me. Help me please. I will try anything. Thank you.
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