Help me someone - Is this bipolar?
Posted , 4 users are following.
Please can you advise me, I don't know where to get help, or even how to get help really. I've tried my doctor who said it wasn't bipolar because my mood swings are so frequent and follow a pattern, so he said it was hormonal and gave me antidepressants. He seems very reluctant to look further at my problems. The buck stops with having prescibed the antidepressants, he said he'd organise counciling but to be honest it doesn't work - I've tried it lots of times - but I'm not able to think logically when I'm not well, so I can't reason with myself then.
I tried telling him that although I agree that the highs and lows are incredibly frequent, there are highs not only lows and I wasn't sure if this was an indication of hormonal trouble. Still I took the tablets (not prozac, but prozac family I think) and became as high as a kite, and spent all my savings on Teddy bears!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am now in serious financial trouble and have never been interested in teddy bears in my life. I spent thousands of pounds and my house is full of antique teddy bears that I've hidden everywhere to stop my partner finding out. I'm so embarrassed that I don't know what to do.
I'm now facing possibly the end of my relationship if I'm not extremely careful and I'm so low and I feel so stupid.
I've had trouble with depression since being a small child. I can't remember being like anyone else ever. When small I heard voices ect. I don't now as an adult. I never got any help. As an adult I developed all sorts of periods of obsessive behavior and I would pick at myself constantly. A local doctor sent me to see a psychiatrist then - I was about 19 but I didn't go. I went once I think. I never took any medication.
The depression does get worse before a period - but I am suicidal and I can't think of anything else. I'm compelled to run away from my partner as I can't imagine him ever wanting me because I am such a lunatic.
Then I'm the happiest person on the planet, life and soul of the party ect - convinced I can beat the depression and cope and do anything at all if I put my mind to it. Which is why I never get help. It's probably then that I will spend more than I have because i'm sure I can easily earn enough, be successful enough ect to pay it back. I get obsessed with things then too and will stay up through the night researching things on the internet - or I get obsessed with my work and work through the night unable to stop. I have trouble sleeping - then I can't get up once I am asleep.
I have such a short attention span that I can't remember things easily or learn things easily despite being relatively bright. I thought I had attention deficit problems as I'm so spacey - not sure. I can't always listen to people, they''ll tell me how to do something or something about themselves and it just goes, I can't retain it at all.
But these swings are constant and always have been - there aren't episodes with months between - I'm usually quite low rather than 'normal' but I can hide that well as I'm so used to it. Then from there I'm either 'too happy and reckless' (I drove my car to town the other day and I can't drive- I haven't a licence. I thought the whole thing was fantastic at the time) or I'm full to bursting of self loathing and I want to cry constantly - I fantasize about cuttin off my hand with an axe. Sometimes I even go and sit with the axe. I have lots of friends because I make friends easily when I'm 'up' but I tend to steer clear of them all - not get in touch ect - because then nobody can judge me and make me feel any worse about it all.
I am exhausted because of the relentless swings from one to the other and I'm constantly terrified. Frightened of what mess I'll get myself into, frightened of killing myself, frightened of always being alone because nobody in their right mind could ever put up with me. Constantly frightened and exhausted and I feel like some kind of fake as I'm always having to lie to cover up my behaviour or make excuses for it.
I once knew someone with severe manic depression who was wrongly diagnosed as being schitzophrenic - I'm not as bad as him at all. It's mild by comparison, but like I say - it's always there and I can't cope with it at all. I really can't cope with it anymore - I've coped with it for as long as I can remember and now I'm too tired and worn out to cope with it anymore. I've lost jobs, partners, everything I own - how can I possibly carry on with a life like that? And who on earth will ever really love me?
What is it? What's wrong with me? is it bipolar or is it all too frequent to be bipolar. Please help me, I'm so desperate. My family has a history of thyroid problems, could it be thyroid related?
Even though I have known for years, at leas 30! That I need help, I never get any help because when I'm 'up' I think I can completely look after myself and I'm fine. It always makes me miss appointments that I might make when I'm low and desperate - like now!
All the best,
T
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0 likes, 3 replies
Djin
Posted
I am not a medical professional at all, but have a lot of experience in mental health, within my family and within the support industry where I made CPN referrals.
I am also researching Bi Polar at the moment as I am struggling with my 3rd major episode and am currently down, despite being very sucessful at achieving things in general (master at many trades, happy in none for too long!) . Im going for help this week, but more specifically I am looking for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) as this has been sucessful at enabling people with a range of 'labells' (e.g Bi Polar, Border Line Personality disorder, depression and so on) to develop a self help tool kit of sorts, to restructure the way that we come to interpret (or mis interpret) the world around us, based on past experiences (e.g your apparent lack of self worth 'who would love me?' will be addressed specifically with other thoughts of this type)
Having read your plea, I would say that your symptoms are somewhat too divese to simply squeeze into a single category.Although having a 'label' as such enables us to better understand our symptoms, sometimes it is unwise to invite them!
Yes there does appear to be Bi polar type symptoms (it can come and go for some day by day -although I would suggest that you may simply be generally 'down' for long stretches of time, and mistake a better day for an 'up') , however there also seems to be some Obsessive Compulsive Disorders's (teddy bears), mild childhood schizophrenic like symptoms (although this could have been due to experiences) and the suicidal/self harm thoughts-It is one thing to fantacise about the axe and another thing to act on these! (this final point needs to be addressed with urgency as you are already sitting by the axe-e.g some action=high risk!)
Going by your description I would advise that you do seek help, preferrably in the form of CBT, and a CPN referral- as tablets can often have suicide as a side effect (mainly anti depressants ironically!). Change your doctor (patients choice is fab!) to one you can better relate to, and insist on a referral or they are failing in their duty of care.
There is about to be a major cash investment in mental health services in the UK, and many new people are currently being trained in preparation for thousands of new professionals so watch this space!
There is still a lot of misunderstanding around mental health, symptoms and classifications however you will need to be motivated to attend even if you feel okay and explain what its like to be down, or write it down and pass it on.
Hope this helps a little :-)
markdask
Posted
Antidepressants are also likely to worsen the condition - I first went on antidepressants and they sent me dolally.
Incredibly frequent highs and lows sound like you might sometimes both simultaneously - called mixed state - and your GP is beginning to sound like an old fart.
You should have kept the appointment with the Psychiatrist and taken the medication he perscribed - it works wonders after a few months.
Go see your GP again and ask for another appointment with a Psych - you are not a lunatic - just someone with a chemical imbalance in your brain that is easily rectified with the wonderful medications available today.
See the Psychiatrist - tell him what you know about Bipolar and he will take you off antidepressants and put you on mood stabilers - they work like magic.
Take care of yourself - you are not lunatic and you deserve the right treatment.
Mark
Wendesha
Posted
Mark is perfectly correct. I too think that you have Bipolar Disorder and should see a Psy and receive mood stabilizers instead of antidepressants they only make you more depressed.
Please seek help and stay away from that axe. You can ask your partner or a good friend, someone who you can trust to attend the doctor with you.
You are not alone, keep the faith.
Wendesha
:D :wink: