Help me to understand...

Posted , 5 users are following.

Please can someone help me understand my now ex partners anxiety.

I have been trying so hard to understand me reassure him but I feel I have failed.

He is very anxious when I have to go to work as I work around males, he doesn't like males on my facebook, he gets anxious when we are out incase I look around so I feel I have to stare at the floor to make him feel better.

I show him texts of who I speak to, he goes through my phone, all my messages, LinkedIn, fb and he will check everyone out I have spoken to or have on my profiles.

He doesn't like me being away from him as thinks I will cheat.

I have never given him any reason to think like this.

After 8 months I don't feel I can take it anymore. I have changed myself to make him feel better or to not be questioned all the time.

I now get really angry after he keeps questioning me.

Why does is not click with him that I am a good person, I love him and would do nothing to hurt him.

Where am I going wrong???

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9 Replies

  • Posted

    It's his own insecurity. You gotta be firm on this one and tell him face to face that what he's doing right now is hurting your relationship. If it's not too late already. He has to give up that little control he thinks he has over you and just trust you completely. That's the only way to make it work. Complete trust or bye. It's called commitment. And it works both ways.

    Good luck!

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  • Posted

    Total sympathy to you darlin, my partner is very negative and untrusting. Any attempts to be a better girlfriend gets me nowhere (and i've got my own mental health to deal with at the same time!) 

    Has your ex been cheated on/ treated badly in the past? It really helps if you can find a cause for his irrational behaviour, rather than blame yourself... 

    It's been 6 years and although calmer and making less accusations, my partner still wants to know who just text me!

    I've managed to think of myself as the better person though, and stronger for it.

    All the best huuni xx

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    • Posted


      He says he has been cheated on in the past, I don't know when or how long ago.

      Things are so bad for 8 months.

      He makes nasty comments if I wear matching underwear to work or if I try to make myself look nice to feel better.

      He's even resulted in checking my dirty underwear as I wouldn't be intimate with him for 2 days.

      It's totally draining and horrid.

      He has so much love to give and everything else about him is amazing but this side of him is ridiculous.

      He gets into my car and starts picking "hair" that is someone else's... or if I've had my car cleaned then he questions that...

      Is this actually anxiety?

      I see it as controlling and paranoia.

      I'm going through counselling as I blame myself for not being able to help him.

      He has always checked my phone and through all apps, yet I rarely see his phone or hear it go off but he goes on it then he goes out for a cigarette.

      Am I going crazy? What should I do?

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    • Posted

      Adele, run for the hills!

      I am sure I said that to you before!

      Just leave, Adele. Leave before he does something like hit you, or starts stalking you.

      You say he's your Ex, darling - how does he get access to you and your possessions? Is he still living with you?

      Get yourself out and safe. If necessary, go to a Domestic Violence Shelter. Please, before he damages you physically.

      I'd like to bet that he already has damaged you physically, or put his hands on you so that you can't leave..............has he?

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  • Posted


    Anxiety and your ex boyfriend it would seem He has a very uncertain past and has felt very much alone. If you were to get back together You will need to find out what has caused him to be the way He is. To know that may help you both to sort out a future together.

    If His clinging attitude has been a real problem you are not wrong to break up this problem you have as the relationship will understandably fail. A relationship without trust and understanding is no relationship al all

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  • Posted

    This is your ex? Youre going wrong by thinking he is being rational. He isnt. He has mental illness he cant help his obssessive thoughts. 

    He needs a psychiatrist and he needs to work on himself. 

    Theres nothing you can do to fix him at this time,

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  • Posted

    If he's your EX, Adele, he has no right to do this to you.

    If he was your current partner, he had no right either.

    He sounds controlling anad scary.

    If he's still living with you, move out and get a restraining order at once, because he's the type that will follow you.

    Where you're going wrong is letting him control you. That is scary and dangerous. Please, if he won't move, take the initiative and just leave.

    He isn't insecure, he's dangerous.

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  • Posted

    You're not going wrong. He is controlling ur behaviour but he has the unfortunate insecurity of believing he is not as good as other men. This is no basis for a trusting relationship and unless he admits this and seeks help I really don't think this will last. I know how he feels tho. I'm not very trusting when it comes to relationships and I know I gotta change my thinking and beliefs.


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