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Help me understand plz...

Posted , 2 users are following.

Dax
Dax

Hello all.. so here we go. My wife and I have been together for 16 year married for 8yrs.

Around 9 months ago and what seemed like the flip of a switch my wife was acting strange as in not talking, cuddling, laughing, no sex. She just seemed gone even while there and this made me feel like there was so one else or I was doing so thing wrong. So I approched her about it she said she lives me but isn't in love with me... Not sure if ya ever had been stabbed before or not but I was pretty sure I had internal bleeding after she said that. So I questioned what I have done to push her to this point. She said she just needed space and time. Crushed and beaten emotionally I asked her if we would try and work it out if not for our same or two daughters who are 7/11. She refused said a lot of kids go through divorce and they would be fine. I told her I didnt wanna leave she said if I didn't she would and take the girls and put them I another school up by her moms about an hour away. There is nobody that goes before my kids. So reluctantly I said I would go stay somewhere else so they didn't have to be up rooted from there school and friends during this. I literally begged her on my knees. And she still sent me away. During this time she did nothing but tell me it is over and I need to stop trying. I asked her to go to counseling and she refused. So I went by myself I was really in a dark place I love her more than anything except for my daughters.. So during this time she tells me to move on and suggested I seem out one of her friends who has had a crush on me for years. I said not Thank you there is only one woman for me I don't want any other. So she proceeds to start the bar seen and starts sleeping with other guys and rubs it in basicly taking them back to our house and sleeping with them in our bed. Then I find out that she has been going out on dates with one of what I thought was my best friends for 20+ yrs who is married and has a son and a daughter on the way. So I pretty much seen that as the end. So I figured I might as well try. So I called this girl up and she was all for it. I felt so bad for this girl and even told her upfront I don't know if I'll ever get over my wife. But she wanted to try my heart and kind just went there we did sleep together about 3 months after the seperation but my wife waited a week..Which also was another punch to the but as she said she don't enjoy sex.. So I figured it must be me, maybe I'm just not good in bed. Well the other girl swears up and down she's in love with me and we slept together twice the 3rd time all I could tho I about was my wife being held by someone else. I couldn't even get hard. Which again made me feel like a huge pile of crap. Cause I don't wanna hurt this girl so I told her it's not fair to her I just need more time. Well during the next two months we hang out no sex. The only time we seen each other was when we would take her kids and mine out for dinner, movie, ice cream..ext family stuff basically. During this time the wife is drinking more and more. Her best friend approaches me saying shes even getting worried about her. So I asked my wife if she was doing ok.. And I caught help for it saying and a stalker and pathetic because I can't leave her alone. So I backed off and filed for joint custody and a divorce. So in the mean time my kids are telling her that we have been spending a lot of time with this girl. Wife gets mad text me all kinds of igorant stuff about the girl and how I'm gross for being with her. Again this is someone she was ok with me dating. About a month later she asked me to come home. My heart just about exploded with joy. So talked it over with the girl I was seeing and told her if there was a chance that I could make my marriage work I wanted to I love my little family so much. She was very understanding and said that she wishes she would have got that chance with her ex so she was ok with it.(remarkable girl btw) So for the first two weeks it was like heaven but slowly it feels like it's slipping again it's been about 5 months. We are basic my not having sex, her work friends seem to be the most important thing to her most of the time. And now I'm so worried about my poor babies getting crushed again they took it hard they are both very emotional girls. So if she gets mad and trys to start a fight my youngest asks if we are going to separate again. I'm at aloss any help would be greatly appreciated..

1 like, 4 replies

4 Replies

  • deb97936
    deb97936 Dax

    Posted

    Daz, you must keep a level head, and be rational about this.  You cannot sacrifice yourself to a person who has decided to fall 'out of love' with you.  If now she is treating you in a contemptible fashion, it is time to leave.  She is only using you as a prop for herself, there is no deep emotional attachment in that, no real 'in love' ingredient,  

    It is also cruel as you know to put your children through this.  They feel 'everything' that goes on in the household.   They are at vulnerable at those ages to.

    It takes real maturity, level headedness to reason with this situation.  Emotions always run high...   Use your Head to make the right decisions for yourself and daughters.   If your wife is going through a 'womans crisis, seven year itch, or feeling she's lost herself and bored with life etc', and yes woman go through it to.  Sadly there isn't much anyone can do.  She has to sort herself out, no-one can do it for her.   

    Kids NEED stability..routine.. security and LOVE, regardless of being together with wifey or not.  If you can supply them those ingredients GOOD, what your wife provides is her responsibility... It is possible to seperate and keep your relationship on a 'friend' basis.  

    I have a bitzer family, and the divorced elements and their other partners and kids, all get on with their original partners etc etc....  It's about keeping things on a healthy level.. for ALL the kids..  not using kids as pawns, or sounding boards for disgruntled feelings.

    THINK WELL and HARD...  No-one should be thought of as a comfy slipper..

  • jemma33320
    jemma33320 Dax

    Posted

    Dax, I started reading your message and the more I read, the quicker I went through it to the end. Your marriage isn't any more complicated than most. You've been a couple for a very long time. Almost everyone wants to feel that 'in love' feeling. We want the passion, the intensity and the excitement of feeling 'in love'. The troubled couples that never get to the point when they realize that real love is all about acceptance, usually go their separate ways in search of their conception of love again. There's nothing that compares to the intoxication of passion and absolute devotion to one person. But that's something that wanes as time goes on and transitions into something deeper and more meaningful. If you're satisfied with how your marriage has been going for the past 5 months then you're just going to have to live it that way. But, if you truly want to move on with your life and start a new one without the burden of fear of being left again, then you need to cut your losses and move on for your girls.
    • deb97936
      deb97936 jemma33320

      Posted

      You said it all jemma...  

       I also believe myself that the original ingredient to what roused that 'inloveness' with ones partner still remains for those that morph their relationship over years... I believe that ingredient is a deep mutual respect and appreciation for each other that is always there and it remains always.  They work it, they simply would never want to hurt, devalue the other ever.  They are never selfish either when it comes to the other..  

      I was fortunate to have known my Great grandmother, sadly not my Great grandfather.  She was a hard worker, as was he.  They were known to be very much 'inlove and devoted to each other', from the first day.  In family photo's one can see it immediately from how they look at each other..  They never lost that joy they had with each others company..they had that mutual deep respect, appreciation of each other, that 'love',  they were a team.  

       

  • DawnDedee
    DawnDedee Dax

    Posted

    Hi Dex,

    Sorry for your struggles.  It is never easy to be the one who is still in love with the other, while the other is not.  My only advice is to make a clean definite break and stick with it.  You cannot allow yourself to be used as a yo yo.  Please do not let her yank you back and forth.  You must take a stand and move on and your children will be able to settle into the change if it is permanent.

    Also, you do not need to date anyone.  There is no rule book that says you have to fill the gaps in your heart with another woman.  In fact it is best to not date at all for at least a year.  You need time to heal, lick your wounds and find your new self as a solo.  And you seen like you are very sensitive about not hurting anyone and that is great and it seems you have already felt the confused challenging feelings over being with another woman so soon.

    Your wife has made her choice.  Accept that.  The only guarentees in life are change and death.  Yes it hurts like crazy, but the old saying that time heals, is true.

    I wish you the best as you journey into your new adventure.  

    Dawn, USA 

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