Help with any ideas on my complex PTSD.

Hey, I don't want to upset you, but have you considered bringing suit against the person/people who abused you?  Get a good lawyer to bring a civil suit, maybe, and the person who hurt you will have to pay for your treatment.  The attorney won't charge you any money until you win your case.  Also, if you haven't reported this to the police (criminal charges), you should talk to the lawyer about doing that.  He can get all the documents in order to keep you protected - restraining orders, witness protection, et cetera, and the government can work to protect other people who might be targets of the same person who abused you.

I'm not going to lie - even starting the process is terrifying, but doing it is really empowering.  Honestly, it's the only way I have been able to heal and proceed as a healthy individual.

I can't connect with you on the conversion disorder.  Physically, the worst symptoms I get from my PTSD are stuttering, confusion, and slurring.  I'm also more accident prone and will walk into things and not feel it, so I get bruised up after I've had a breakdown.  It sounds terrifying, and I feel sorry for you!

I have terrible flashbacks, and they come at weird times.  I have OCD, too, which makes them worse and makes me dwell on unhealthy thoughts.  What has helped me specifically to deal with that is to write about the flashbacks in a journal.  It helps me to "get it out of my head" and it helps me to feel like I'm more in control of the situation.  When I write about my past abuse, I realize that it is over now, that it cannot harm me anymore, and that I am an adult woman who has grown and changed in spite of the abuse; I don't let it define me anymore.

One thing does suck about the journaling, though; I have a hard time de-stressing after I write, sometimes.  It helps me to get the dark memories out, one at a time, but I have to set limits on how many memories I am going to write about in one sitting, or they all come flooding back and bother me until I've written about all of them.  I think it's an aspect of my OCD, but I have spent entire mornings writing until I got blisters on my fingers, and then spent the rest of the day sad.  I've also had episodes where my PTSD interferes with my work because I fixate on a memory and need to write it out, which brings back more memories - and I spend all day writing. 

I suggest scheduling a time for writing, with maybe like an extra 20-minute grace period, that you never exceed unless it really is helpful, and scheduling an activity right after that - maybe ask an old friend to call at that exact time, or tell them to be expecting the call.  Log on to an online game for a scheduled raid with your guild.  Go to an event in the community - go skating or to a ball-game.  If you absolutely have to, have a go-to video game or show to de-stress immediately after you finish writing, so you can focus on healthy things and don't brood.

As far as the no-friends and new city thing goes, I feel you there.  I moved to this city last July, and I haven't really made any friends.  Luckily, my university has a Violence Prevention Center that has advocates for victims of sexual violence.   When I felt alone, and like I didn't have anybody in my corner, I went to them and they really helped me turn my life around.  They gave me the strength I needed to file a lawsuit against one of my abusers and a police report on the other one.  They were there for me the whole way, and they helped me to get into the appropriate counseling.  They gave me phone numbers for women's centers and rape crisis phone lines and for free government legal services and aid.  If you are a student - use this resource.  If not, go to a women's center or shelter, and they will be wonderful.  They can get you set up with counseling, medical aid, and protection - and it's all confidential!  They won't report anything unless you ask them to. When I didn't have anyone in my corner, the Violence Prevention Center at my school was my only support, and I think that a women's center could be that for you.

One thing that I did realize after I spent some time working with the VPC, though - I had more friends than I thought I did.  They were people that I never thought of as very good friends, but when I opened up, some of them turned out to be far nicer than I thought.  Everyone on your Facebook has the potential to be a good friend to you - some of them will be willing to listen to you open up about the abuse, and others will offer to go out to the movies with you or invite you along on outings and generally make sure that you're not alone and that you have other activities to focus on.

Lastly, just because you have moved away from some of your support network doesn't mean you have lost them.  I was really depressed for a while because I felt like I didn't have any friends, but then I realized that I do have friends - they're just not in this city.  I try to keep in contact with my old friends back home over Facebook, by telephone, online games, and Skype.  Actually, one of my best friends from high school Skypes me from China whenever I need him!

My therapist is going to work with me on making new friends.  Sometimes I feel crazy and like I'm the only one who does this, but after the abuse, it's makes me feel scared to trust people.  Do you ever feel like that?  I am trying to find a church group; religion is still hard for me because of some of the details of my abuse and my disorder, so right now I'm really just trying to find a community.  Volunteering really helps, and there are lots of close-knit volunteer groups that are super kind and welcoming.  I love to skate, so I've been making an effort to hit the roller rink, and I have met a few people there who told me about a local roller derby - I think I'm going to try it out, and try to meet people that way.  They meet on Wednesday, so wish me luck!

I'm trying to take my own advice when I say just go to community events and talk to people.  Take a free class - some cities have community classes on everything from art to politics to firework making.  Network with some other survivors of abuse - it made me feel wonderful knowing that I was not alone and that I was not crazy.  Lots of people had been through the same things I had and struggled with their daily lives in simlar ways, so I wasn't crazy.  I know there are support groups for people who have been through sexual assault  and long-term abuse.  Join a club or a group - particularly one with scheduled meetings.   (I play Vampire the Masquerade in a gaming organization, and I have met wonderful people through it - people who were better supports for me than my oldest friends; I also met other survivors of abuse in the gaming organization, and we bonded once we found out that we shared that in common.)  Also, community events and conventions are a great place to make new friends!  I am going to an anime convention this weekend, along with friends from my old home, and I always meet fabulous new people.  Conventions really are close-knit communities, regardless of what the conventions are on.  I personally go to comic book conventions and gaming conventions and anime conventions, and some sci-fi conventions, because that's who I am, but there are conventions for everything!  There are professional ones and hobby ones. 

This year at the anime convention, I am going to make an extra special effort to meet some people and remain in contact with them.  There are people that I know there - as in recognize, and have talked to and hung out with a little, but don't know the names or contact info.  My personal goal for myself is to really turn those things into real relationships and friendships.

Also, a big thing for me was having little relationships with the people around me.  It's important to me to have superficial relationships as well as deep ones, so I chat with my apartment manager whenever I see her, and I have tried to get to know the mainenance man and the neighbors, and I talk with my boss and my lab group, and I know the barista and the owner at my favorite coffee shop, and I know all of the cashiers at my local grocery.  The owner of the local ice cream shop gave me a free scoop of icecream because I talked with him!  For me, I needed the distraction and the connection with lots of little people - it gives you stuff to talk about and to think about, and it makes you realize that there are lots of really nice people in the world who all have their own triumphs and struggles, and it gives them opportunities to be nice to you and vice versa.  And it makes you realize that there are lots of people who care about you in little ways. 

It always helps me to get out of my own head to hear about other people's lives and it helps me to live past my abuse.  For example, it's hard to worry about my own past when I'm talking with and praying for a cashier whose husband currently has cancer, and when I go home at night I tell my boyfriend all about it.  (My OCD makes me get stuck in my own head a lot, so I really really need healthy things to think and talk about.)

I'll pray for you. Reply back to me on this post?

Cyndi

 

So, what happened to me was nowhere near as long-term as what happened to you.  When I was 4-5 I was sodomized by a priest at a Catholic school, and sometimes vaginally raped as well.  I don't remember all of it because I have fugue and dissociation, but it happened a lot.  I never told anyone about it until last year (I am about to turn 23 now, which is important b/c the statute of limitations runs out on my 23rd birthday.)

So, about 2 months ago I hired some lawyers to bring a civil suit for me against the Catholic church.  I wanted to do a civil suit because I want some recompense for all the things that went bad in my life because of the abuse - for all the pain and trauma, and all the relationships it ruined and all the good things I missed out on.  I don't know exactly who did it, but I'm hoping that in the course of the discovery for the case, someone will be able to testify as to who it was.  I have hazy recollections of the man, and I think I remember a name, but I'm scared to say it in case I'm doing that thing that rape victims sometimes do, where they fill in the wrong person's identity.

The criminal charges are being filed against my ex-boyfriend.  After being abused as a kid, I let 2 of my ex-boyfriends sexually assault me for years, because I didn't feel good enough about myself to stop it.  When I filed the police report, I told them I wanted to report a sexual assault, but the real answer is probably that it's a rape charge, because we started to have sex and I told him that I didn't want to continue but he didn't stop.

I admire you for reporting all that, and I understand the health problems caused by the stress of dealing with the court stuff, at least a little bit.  I haven't heard back from my lawyers except for them telling me they need medical records, and them sending me a contract naming the defendents.  On the ex-boyfriend front, the detective is still gathering information; unfortunately, one of my friends from my hometown is a witness in favor of my ex because I sent her a text lying about what happened and pretended to be happy and that it was consentual, so now she is under orders not to talk to me and she has uninvited me from her wedding, when I used to be a bridesmaid.   It has made things really hard between me and my other old friends, many of whom think I'm wrong for bringing charges against my ex.   It doesn't help that they all still live in my hometown, or are teaching English in China, for that matter.  Admittedly, my hometown is only about an hour and a half drive away, but the fact that we don't see each other casually anymore has made us drift apart. Reading about your situation makes me realize though that these things aren't such an obstacle as I thought before.

But anyways, I'm still in the very beginning of the court process, and it's already causing me to have flashbacks, panic attacks, and depression, as well as bringing back my OCD.  I had actually quit therapy at the end of the fall semester because I thought I was better, but as soon as I even started considering bringing charges everything got exponentially worse.  They just prescribed me Zoloft, and it will take about a month to know if it's helping.

I first started writing journal entries about my childhood abuse when I was like 13, honestly, but I was really in denial and would tear them out and throw them away, or put away my journal except for when I was really really down.  I think that I started small.  Like, the first one I can remember was just a sentence, "I think I got raped."  I don't really know why I can write about it now, but I think that talking about it has helped me to not have so much emotion when I think about it.  Gosh, I never really thought about the fact that coming to terms with it has taken me ten years. 

And I have had fugue, which goes away gradually, so I haven't had to deal with it all at once.  Gosh, I can't imagine what you're going through! 

What kind of trauma excercises are you doing?  My counsellor is trying to get me to do Mindful Meditation or EMDR, but I'm nervous.  What are your excercises like?

It breaks my heart to hear that you're so isolated.  No one should have to go through that, particularly someone who has been through so much.  Are you a part of any online communities?  I have always loved DeviantArt, because there are all kinds of original character writing tournaments, and the artists on there love to do art trades, where they write about or draw their friends' characters.

Also, have you tried to reach out to a local church?  I know that my local church does "ministry to the homebound" - they not only bring Communion, but they also will bring meals and just come and visit with people who can't leave home.  Some of the groups in my old city would even come visit your house with therapy pets.  And my neighbor is part of some programs where her church and her medical group both come by in their van and pick her up to take her to some sort of community gathering.  I really hope you can get into something like that!  You deserve to get out of the house and have a good time!

Maybe some online classes would help you to feel like you are accomplishing things and moving forwards?  Sometimes colleges offer online courses for-credit for free as a service to the community, or you might be able to get a need-based scholarship, with your application fee waived and everything, to a school.

I admit, I really don't understand your situation, I've never been home-bound, and I've never even really been sick, but I would like to be your friend.

Do you use Skype?

 

PM me.