Help with depressed boyfriend pushing me away

Posted , 5 users are following.

I met this man around January and we instantly had a connection. We got along very well and seemed to fall in love pretty easily. He does make me very happy and I know I make him happy. However...I need some guidance with this issue.

This happened twice so far, once back at the beginning of March and currently now. My boyfriend suffers from bad depression due to his dad dying 7 years ago this year. Sometimes he gets into these moods and lashes out, says mean and hurtful things and usually tries to push me away.

He also suffers from relationship depression where he's had a rough past and is used to the women in his life hurting him or leaving him.

Then he met me. I am absolutely nothing like the rest of the girls he's been with. And just last week he was telling me how perfect I was and that he needs me. Before this how much he loved me and that we were gonna make it. Talked about all these plans. And at the beginning of us getting back together this second time (after about a week) he had said he realized where his heart was and that was with me.

Now he is back in his depression mode and has been trying to push me away again. Saying that he misses his best friend (his dad) and that he doesn't deserve to be happy that he deserves to be hurt and lied to and cheated on.

Despite my many tries to calm him down and reassure him that I will always be there for him like I have been since day one, he's not grasping it right now. I am a very calm person, I don't normally say things out of anger but I'm not sure how to handle this situation. It's frustrating but after many readings on depression I am starting to see what he is doing. I've talked to his mom and she said he's a mess to be around the house with.

The last thing we've said to each other was him saying I needed to cut the rope and let him go and not worry about him. But I responded and said I am not stopping worrying about you. That's what you want me to do because it's easiest and what you expect. This was yesterday and I didn't get a response.

I constantly remind him that I am there for him. But I also don't know if I should just give him his space and let him come to me or keep reassuring him even if I don't get a response right now. I am afraid of losing him for sure. I don't want to push him away even more.

During the 4 months we've been together so far I have gotten him to go to the doctors to get put on medication but I think his depression is a lot deeper then just needing medication.

He sent me this article about how he is feeling, idk if he was trying to help me understand better?

Right now I am trying to remind him how much I'm here for him. He thinks I'm lying. And that eventually I'm just going to walk out like all the rest. And leave him like everyone else and like his dad did..and then he also just accused me of having sex with someone else because I didn't respond back to him right away..I was in an interview..

This is the last thing I said to him.

I'm not giving up on you. You think I'm going to walk out of your life? Wrong. You think I'm going to hurt you? Not happening. I am here for you. Especially in times like these. You have me, and I'm not going anywhere. Just take some time for yourself. I'm here.

He did not respond. He has yet to seek counseling. We had an appt set up but he ended up not going. I did not push him to go I just ended up spending the day with him instead. Probably bad on my part but wasn't going to force him to do something he wasn't ready for.

I just don't know how to handle when he pushes me away like this. I am a strong person and I do know my limits. I want to help him get through this.

1 like, 4 replies

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4 Replies

  • Posted

    I am just like that, when younger I used to meet lovely girls, but once they showed any attachment to me I had to run a mile. I have since been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, but I had a horrendous childhood, abandoned, neglected, abused, only happy time was the couple of years my mother put me in childrens home. Basically she tought me to hate myself and so of course if anybody likes me I think there is something wrong with them or they have yet to discover the bad part of me.
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    • Posted

      I feel that peter I'm exactly the same way although I don't think I have a disorder I just think as you said they don't know me yet I tend to cut them off too if they get to close saves the pain when they leave you which is off course going to happen I tend to get a lot more attention from women after I started to work out etc so I know what they are after but I tend to attach quite quickly to them so I need to get shut before they hurt me if that makes sense

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  • Posted

    As of right now hes in a depreassing state and even if the last thing he wants is social contact, he needs it. Its very important that he  talk through hes feelings! He needs to get them out to someone who cares about what he has to say. In this case, you. He tries to push you away because he dont want the social contact as hes in that depresion state and altought its good to have some alone-time to think about everything, he needs your support! Forget the negatives and think about the positives! Leave the past behind you! Give him more advices on how he can move on in life! And for the love of god, dont blame youself for anything that happends to him, its not your fault on any way! 
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  • Posted

    Hi ksnell20 - sorry to read of your situation. There have been a few of posts with exactly your problem lately, and it is a hard one to crack. The advise i have been giving is that you give him space, letting him now (which you have done) that you are there for him when he is ready. I hate to agree with you that it was an opportunity that slipped through the fingers when he was scheduled for  therapy and he didn't go, but the fact is this man has underlying issues the apex of which is the loss of his father. Although it is very difficult for sufferers of depression to open up - especially men for whom society has decided they should just shut up and get over it - it is the very thing that is needed. Sunlight kills the germs. Next time you see/speak to your boyfriend, see if you can persuade him to follow through with that therapist appointment. Offer to be there with him in the session or in the waiting room - or not, if that is his wish. You sre right that it's important not to push. It can actually push them away. Best of luck to you, hang in there.

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