Here we go again!!!!!

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Crying, screaming, wanting to smash stuff up or myself. just been trying to talk to the Samaritans but can't concentrate or string two words together so hung up. Thought maybe concentrating on tyoing in here might help. Been sitting outside in the cold trying to calm down. Chest hurts breathing calming down now but still feel very agitated. It's going to be ages before I will be able to get to sleep.

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  • Posted

    It sounds like you did a really good thing by contacting the Samaritans when ou were in the state! That must have been teally hard!! Well done (and please don't think I'm being patronising there!) whenever I have times where I am as you described, difficulty breathing, unable to concentrate on anything at all other than my own through ya and screams. It takes effort to get up of the floor, let along contact someone who can really help me! I have a couple, well one, person I talk to when things have gone badly just after its all over. But I never manage to speak to anyone when I'm going through it. I'm scared and embarrassed and think I wound be bleep answer their questions well enough, because ultimately I know some of my thoughts are illogical. The issue is seems to be that I just can't deal with people seeing me as less than good.... Despite me believing that that's ok really! Learned behaviour is hard to change. Anyway. I'm digressing. you did contact the Samaritans and this seemed really good for you but when it got too much you put the phone down. How about continuing the conversation over email? It's not always the same person that responds, but it's normally within 24 hours, and often quicker! I've found that the biggest thing that has helped me is having someone else to tell exactly how things are. Sont leave it out. Either a familiar member, or partner, or if you don't have a lot of person al support like that, wht about a therapist or group that can be the butlins blocks to a social netbao but that you can also use through your recovery. When you are answering to someone, it makes you more likely to stick to a plan and take steps forwrd! If I'm honest I've forgotten the point of my post, so I hope it makes sense!
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    • Posted

      I just wanted to hear a voice, they have helped me in the past. Might see if I can get a phone appointment with my councillor tomorrow,might help.
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    • Posted

      Oh I so feel for you and just want to let you know your in my thoughts and prayers.

      They put me on adrenaline blockers because of my hugh hormones fluctuatons which sent me in to deep depression and I mean deep.  I would just stand in the middle of the room and scream - because nobody would listen to me or help, or just collapse on the floor as they had taken my life energy away and cry.

      So although not what you are going through I can so empathise with you.

      Talking and reaching out is hard - but it so helps, so that you know you are not alone in the world.

      All my love.

      Mel XX

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    • Posted

      Hi Tina,

      Just come back from walking my 18 month old boxer and of course you were fore front of my thoughts.  I would so love to take you pain away for you and give you the biggest hug ever.

      Any way it come to mind the guy who trained me in the drug rehab, used to be a samaritian.  I can remember the story he told me about some one who rung in and couldn't speak,  they are used to it love and trained for it.

      Any way after a little while they managed to get her to grunt and then open up, slowly.  So they are also used to people not being able to string their sentences together etc. etc.

      I know at night is when things are at their worst - and I hope this really helps you, you don't know how much I do, that next time if any thing kicks off and you need contact and eventually be able to talk that you could ring the samaritians and not have to go through it alone.

      As always, big hugs, Mel Xx

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    • Posted

      Thanks Melanie for your support and kind words. I managed my day at work ok, didn't get time to contact anyone so now I've got to get through the weekend. I just want someone to hug me and make everything alright. I'm sitting here bloody crying yet again. I want to drown my sorrows which I know is not the answer. I'm just so fed up... 

      xx

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    • Posted

      Hi Tina,

      So glad you managed work ok.  I so feel for you and know nothing that I say can make it go away only time and healing.

      Is there any thing at all that alleviates the pain, if only temporarily like walking - when I was at my worst I would go for a walk and make myself see the beauty of nature.  I know it is hard and each minute seems an eternity when not busy, and I wish I could be there to give you such a big hug.

      Mel Xx

       

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    • Posted

      Hi Melanie

      Tried to keep busy today, even went for a good 2 hour walk, head still feels empty, numb, still cried and screamed this evening I just hate being like this. Should I put up with the horrible dreams and up the cit again to 40mg. Not that I was that much calmer then. Been writing stuff down to discuss with the councillor. I will try on Monday to get a phone appointment I can't keep carrying on like this alone. It does help putting stuff on this forum. It has stopped me a few times from doing stupid things.

      Thanks Tina xx

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    • Posted

      Hi Tina,

      Glad you managed to get out for a walk.  Really hope you are better today.  I know the nights are the worse, but unfortunately when our mind's are in turmoil the dreams will always come.

      Doloroso put about valerian root herb - I have also had that to relax me at night when my hormones were at their worse and it does help.

      I hope your councillor can help you to keep moving in the right direction and wish that I could be there to give you a great big hug and tell you it's going to be alright.

      Can assure you that things will get better, but it doesn't really help you through the now and then and when you feel like this to be in company, but eventually I have learnt to knit jazzy socks and do quilting.  Real good therapy.

      Mel Xx 

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    • Posted

      Not sure if you will think you sent this at the right time or not. I am cool, calm and calculating. I have written a note to my son, tidied stuff up and going out to a lovely beach and see what happens. if the sea takes me all well and fine if it spits me out I'll come home.

      thank you all for the support but i just hate being like this, I don't want to die but I want to feel pain and destroy myself. 

      xx

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    • Posted

      I'm just burning all my diaries so no one can read them...........
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    • Posted

      Hi TIna,

      I so feel for you and I have been there.  Sorry I have been out this evening so haven't seen this till now.

      I was in the same position as you and did take a load of tablets, I was left all alone to fight some thing and the medical profession let me down big time as they didn't know how to help me, they had left me far too long on adrenaline blockers and I went to and I mean a really dark place that I just couldn't stand being in.  It was right mess and a real chemical imbalance.  But my life has totaly changed around I did a lot of research and found the professor I am under now and I am so glad that trying to take my life went oh so wrong.

      My friend lost her husband tragically, nursed him etc.  She went through the mill as well, but has now got a lovely bloke and her life has turned around.

      Please Tina if you really feel you can't go on.  Like me hospitalize yourself until you have calmed down and levelled out again - they can help and give you support also at this time and give you the right medication you need at this time and you will rebuild.

      I could cry a mountain for you, but promise things do improve.

      Big hugs and all my love Mel Xx

      p.s. your in my prayers.

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  • Posted

    Hi Tina, So sorry to read of your plight last night. Posting on here is a form of therapy as you are opening up which is good so carry on doing it as we are all in the same boat or have been in it and have sympathetic ears. We're not specialized but we can feel your pain. All the people on here are so so kind and understanding aren't they. (Not a question but a statement). I hope you managed to get a decent night's rest and will be able to speak to somebody today. Sending positive vibes and hugs wishing you better, better, better and BETTER!  X Never forget we're here for you.
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    • Posted

      Hi 

      Just to let you know I am fine and not to worry. Sat cosy and warm in front of my coal fire. 

      Thank you for the hugs it is much appreciated.

      xxx

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