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Herpes-Didnt tell partner

Posted , 4 users are following.

soraya89196
soraya89196

So I need some advice. I told my boyfriend I have herpes. But I kind of told him a bit late. About 5 months into the relationship. I told him its tied with a abusive relationship i had in the past-very abusive and i feel ashamed talking about it and embarrassed, thats why i never told him. Now He is sort of a germophobe and so his reaction was not good. He was more upset that I hadn't ever told him and we had unprotected sex 1 time during this period. He said he felt it was a violation. Well he broke up with me wihle we were on a trip together. No talking about it, just broke it off. I had been visitng him from Texas (long distance) and staying with his parents. But it was To the point, I had to go get a hotel on my own for the rest of the trip because he was so upset. Up until this point, things were going great. So needless to say it was a bad and emotional weekend for me. Last night we spoke after he told me how sorry he was for overreacting and saying hurtful things. he said he was still freaked out, not sure if he could overlook it. But said he loved me. I told him I was willing to try and see if we can educate ourselves on the subject ill be supportive even though I was still mad at him for the trip. I told him im sure things will be ok and I understand his fears but if he did love me, I was hoping he could look past it. He eventually said he wanted to try and work things out too bc he loved me. But that he would need some time to get over it and feel comfortable again, that includes in the bedroom. Now I don't like that he kind of abandoned me on the trip when I was visiting him all the way from Texas. I felt so hurt. But apart of me wants to give him a chance given it is true that I should have told him sooner, and did violate that trust. Some friends are telling me he went too far leaving me alone and his friends are telling him, i shouldnt have exposed him to something and not tell him.  I do love him and care for him.  I feel like we both made mistakes and its worth giving it a shot.  Am i crazy?

 

0 likes, 9 replies

9 Replies

  • john70916
    john70916 soraya89196

    Posted

    Forgive him. Discovering that you may/do have herpes is often a very emotional time — you might remember going through it yourself. In my opinion you did violate his trust by knowingly having unprotected sex while carrying an incurable STI. It doesn't surprise me that he felt betrayed by this, hence a reaction similar to if you'd cheated on him or lied about something serious.

    Personally I think it's something to disclose after a few dates. It might not be intentional but withholding that information until much further along is basically trapping someone using emotions, and that's not cool. I highly recommend you don't do it again because it might seem easier to wait until you've 'hooked' the person with love, but there's a huge risk of this reaction or worse.

    • soraya89196
      soraya89196 john70916

      Posted

      You know what, im going to be 100% honest with you. i did wait until he was deeply involved out of fear that if i told him right away he would run. He reacted and admitted to me he reacted badly.  I a friend who is very protective of me. He had to pay for my hotel and now just thinks the guy is horrible.  But there is a part of me that thinks i did something horrible. It was selfish. And the guy is willing to try and forgive me.  Now when he was mad, he said some nasty things about me. But when i was there alone in the city and panicking, he made sure to come to me and spend time wiht me so i wouldnt feel so alone.  But he was so distant, wouldnt touch me and it hurt. Now he is saying he is willing to give it a shot and move past it.  I feel like I owe it to him to do that.  I know everyone is going to give me their opinion but deep inside i know what you are saying is true.  Im really to blame here and although he did take some things too far, i think i got to cut him slack given the situation.
    • FelizCastus
      FelizCastus soraya89196

      Posted

      His initial reaction is not all that surprising, imo, especially if you have Type 2 (you didn't say which type). Your lucky he's still willing to give it a shot. Best you can do, if you like him, is to work through it. If you have genital Type 1, it's not actually a big deal, but to someone who probably doesn't know much about herpes, I can still understand his reaction. Which type do you have?
    • soraya89196
      soraya89196 FelizCastus

      Posted

      I have 2. He is a physicians assistant in the ER. He deals with it often which is why im surprised he is getting very paranoid about it. But doesnt excuse it.
  • amy07772
    amy07772 soraya89196

    Posted

    I'm going to just say what if the shoe was on the other foot. You let him get these feelings for you and then after these feeling developed you told him. That is also after having unprotected sex with him. That was a big flag to me. I'm not judging jut saying I understand where he is coming from because that is how I got it as well is from that. I also just want to be honest with you about how things will work out from here on out. I told the guy I was seeing what I had after a few dates and he was so angry and said I lied to him. He also said he cared about me and will move on and we will do some research and figure out if we could have a healthy relationship. He doesn't have anything by the way. We did have sex protected of course. Well long story short last Friday he said that he wanted me to see other people because he can't get passed the fact that I have heroes and it scares him so much. He said I deserve better and I shouldn't wait for him to decide when it's not guaranteed that he could ever not focus on that. I'm not saying that is how your relationship will work I just don't want you to get your hopes set too high. Just take things one day at a time. I really hope he can see passed the fact you didn't tell him. People say with love you can conquer anything but my failed relationship shows that some things just can't be overcome. Let's hope he can get that out of his mind and just focus on you and you focus on being honest and truthful from here on out. I think that sometimes the mind is stronger than the heart and that overrides other things. Me and my guy cared about each other a lot but that didn't really help. I don't want you to think that I'm just trying to tell you it's not worth trying. That's not it at all and I'm sorry if it comes across like that. I just want you to be careful. My heart is broken because I tried to work on things and I wouldn't have traded my time with him for anything but I definitely would have guarded myself alittle. Anyway I don't think I'm coming across as I hoped I would. I really am rooting for you guys and hope everything works out.
    • soraya89196
      soraya89196 amy07772

      Posted

      Im sorry to hear that. I know it was wrong. I do. I was physically abused i contracted it and it follows me everywhere when i wish i could just forget it. I dont blAme him being mad i just didnt like what he did when upset. Telling me i had to wait outside his parents house on the curb with luggage to get an uber took back loving me. It got mean BUT yes i gotta cut him slack given what i did. I completely get that things may not work. The odd part he is a physician assistant works in the ER. Im surprised how freaked out he is is all. Now he keeps sending me article's paranoid that any little thing can be it. I have a high sex drive and im positive its going to affect things. I gotta be patient but truthfully from what im seeing i dont think he can deAL. And ill accept that. However i gotta give him credit. We are long distance, states away and he booked a flight last minute this weekend to come see me make up for that horrible weekend and show me he wants it to work. Thats pretty incredible i think.
    • amy07772
      amy07772 soraya89196

      Posted

      I'm sorry about the abusive relationship. No one should ever have to deal with that. I'm not excusing his actions. The guy I was seeing said mean stuff to me too out of anger but in all reality. I don't believe it when people just say I'm sorry I was speaking out of anger because honestly that is hmhow they truly feel. It may come out worse than they would want but bottom line they do feel that way. I told my guy that I couldn't be everything for him and he always said don't think you know what I'm going to do. Don't tell me what I'm going to do. He said I didn't know. But deep down I knew it. I could just tell. He would try to reassure me and told me we would figure it out somehow. His decision to end things was abrupt so idk what made him decide that all of a sudden so it's hard for me to get over when I don't know why. He just said he had time to do a lot of thinking when he was sick with the flu. But I do hope things work out for you but you can always tell someone's future actions by their present and past. It may get cloudy at times. I just don't want you to go through the pain of getting your hopes up like I did. I had the perfect man and because of this stupid virus and my stupid moment I can't ever have him. He was my fairy tale ending. I don't feel I will ever find someone because the risk of feeling this way again is unbearable. I had high hopes of a normal relationship after being diagnosed and now I don't feel any hopes of any relationship ever. I'm sorry don't mean to bring my feelings in to it but just trying to convey what getting your hopes up is like when it all comes crashing down. And his actions were a lot like my guy I was seeing. Well the attitude and the mean things that were said and done. He didn't leave me stranded outside but felt like he deserted me in other ways. Idk if it makes sense I'm sorry.
    • soraya89196
      soraya89196 amy07772

      Posted

      Dont feel hopeless dear. My guy and i may not work out, in fact odds are we probably wobt which sux because we were doing great zero issues, even doing well long distance. Not all good things are meant to last forever and thats ok. But i have had relationships before where i did tell them and they were ok with it. Those men are out there and the right one is out there for you too. I dont have my hopes up with my current guy, actually theyre pretty down. Im prepated to end it myself actually bc i dont even know if i can deal with it. Im uncomfortable now, and i dont know if ill be able to go back. Ive been through a divorce and an abusive relationship afterwards, i know i can get through this. And you can too.
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