Hey how are everyone this evening
Posted , 5 users are following.
Just thought I'd ask sitting here slowing getting drunk as i;m off work on leave this week. Lots of thoughts and feelings going on at the moment.. Even in my stupidiity went to see the nurse on Monday to look at one of my wounds as it was oozing green pus and kept bleeding, defeats the object of self harming when you go to get it treated in my eyes so do I care????. she was very caring didn't ask too many questions and she had even read my notes beforehand and sat after treatemnt listening to me rumbling on about nothing.and something. Felt so stupid and wasting her time. Currently feel numb, calm blank as i don't have to go to work. i had planned to disappear this week after my sisters 60th birthday which is today. Have spoken to her. text etc done stuff to keep people happy, not necessarily me to think that I am doing ok. Even got my car mended today spent fortune, as unsure about the brakes so it is safe to drive so I don't hurt anyone else on the road. Sorry I'm rambling but I am lonely bored fed up had enough. Know where i am goiing tomorrow, I feel again calm calculated about this. Maybe i'm not as iam writing on here I just donlt know anything anymore. don't want to go back to work next week. Spent time sat out in the countryside in the sun listening to birdsong and enjoying the snowy mountains lost in my world. too today. Sorry for the mess on here and sorry if I don't answer anyone I jsut can't face talking to anyone otehrwise i would ring the Samaritans but saying stuff out loud just sounds so wrong so write something might help. Hope this makes sense to someone................................................... x
3 likes, 27 replies
amanda35274 tina89895
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Hi tina it most certainly does. Xxx if u dont want to reply thats ok too. U talk as much as you need. So glad the nurse u saw was nice. Why shud she think u were rambling or stupid.? Shes in a caring profession... i used to work as a health care assistant in special care baby unit on labour ward in theatre in care homes for the elderly. Why do that job if u dont have a heart, & compassion for everyone you treat regardless of personal feelings xxx u deserve to be heard & helpes as much as anyone else tina. Dont forget that!!! U did what i would do i retreat to nature or the sea i love to sit and listen to the waves only when ive drank no alchohol. Water & alchohol with me does not mix!!!! So yes it makes sense to someone, at least to me luv xx :0)
amanda35274
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Possible82 tina89895
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One more hour. You may feel different. Please get help. Lots of people will miss
You if you go. Sounds like your sister will for sure. I always try and think of
Those animals that are less fortunate then mine and volunteer at the no kill
Shelter. Older dogs and cats still need love and caring in return. I have one pup
That was adopted years ago. He just loves to sit in your lap all day long and be cuddled
hypercat tina89895
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Oh Tina you have my total and complete understanding and emphathy for what it's worth. I hope you can pull yourself back from the brink and not go ahead with your plans. Can you wait a while and enjoy your week's leave and see how you feel at the weekend? It's much to near your sister's special birthday not to imact on her and make her birthdays very sad occasions for the rest of her life - do you want that for her? Do you want the pain for your family too? I know you probably think they don't care but you know deep down that's not true, it is the depression talking and you know you can't listen to those thoughts. Is there anyone you can reach out to?
I know it doesn't feel like it but your family/friends would be devastated. Your sister will blame herself and feel awful knowing that she was enjoying her birthday celebrations and not paying enough attention to how you are.
You are also an integral part of this great site and it's clear from your 5 stars that you have helped a lot of people on here. You are one of us - please don't leave up.
Promise us you will give this more thought please. Life might not seem worth living at the moment, but it could well be in the future and you must hang on to that hope, even when all hope has gone. Life is about change and growth - give yourself more chances to be happier. We would miss you so much. Bev x
amanda35274 hypercat
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hypercat amanda35274
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Thank you Amanda I appreciate that. I only hope Tina reads it and listens not just to me but all of us. Please let us know what's going on Tina. x
tina89895 hypercat
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Thankyou so much all of you, I'm home , I've driven miles some not that safely on single track roads in a daze, but on the main roads i stuck to the speed limit so i diidn;t accidently hurt anyone, I've walked miles my feet hurt, found a lovely place on the walk i had planned to a reservoir and dam with a massive spillway where the water goes down a large circular hole I assume through the generator, i sat there for ages fascinated by it, the light the water the sound, the reflections in the water even took a photo of the warning sign no swimming or boating, I could of jumped in but didn;t because of what you said Hypercat about my sister that was stuck in my head. how it would ruin her and deep down i know it would she took ages forgiving herself after our father died as she felt guilty for that which wasn't her fault what so ever.
I still feel numb, empty blank, i don't even think I;m depressed as i function to a fashion as I get up get dressed don't do much else I;m a dirty B****, I concentrated on taking plenty of photos, sat and listened looked at the countryside.the snow on the hills, the changing clouds and colours it was all so beautiful and peaceful still felt right though didn't want to come home but have. Now feel very low empty, blank no feelings just nothing.
Thank you all again.
Tina xx
amanda35274 hypercat
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amanda35274 tina89895
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Well so glad u listened to bev & thought abt yr sister huni. Youve been on quite an adventure..... low i know but home safe. For that im grateful xxx
tina89895 amanda35274
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Thank you i just don;t know how to get out of this feeling, maybe going back to work next week might help or make it worse as I get so angry, irritated there, plus last meeting with my boss said due to changes I will be getting a new line manager so then got to go through them being updated on my situation and answering for some of my behaviours and actions. They might not be so understanding, i don't know if I could face all that again as only a few people there know everything. I just hate what i;ve become and tired of keep trying again.
How do you all get through s--- like this, I;ve been here quite few times over the past few years and visions of just loosing control are so vivid that someday again it will happen. Sorry i find this so hard to try and explain.
I can't open up tp my son or my sister in too much detail as they are family, I just don't really know what i;m saying anymore...........................................at least I;m home and I know I won't do anything here too drastic....
amanda35274 tina89895
Posted
Well thats a good thing xxx i understand honestly ive been where u are so many tyms too & dont tell family as they wud worry & dont understand how dire things can get. My partners v supportive tho thankfully although i kp a lot back as theyd worry. Sorry to hear abt work thts a tough one xx
hypercat tina89895
Posted
Thank goodness you are back safely Tina. Don't worry about getting up and doing nothing - you are by going out for a drive (safely) and by just sitting and taking loads of pictures. It's your mind and body taking a break from all this stress which is just what you need.
Now why don't you ask your doctor for a sick/fit note for a few weeks as this will give you a chance to recuperate and see how you feel at the end of that. If you really can't face work then don't force yourself if you are still feeling like ending it all. Just go with the flow that's my advice and see what happens.
Could you talk to your sister about how you are feeling? Or any of your family? How about friends? Have you got any support at all from anyone? How about your doctor? Counsellor? Seek help please even if you don't feel like talking at the moment, just saying how you feel will help ie low, blank etc. You haven't got to speak for England or anything. Please don't try and deal with all this on your own as it's far too much.
Keep talking to us on here coz we know what you are going through and we care even if it seems the world is against you. We are on your side.
Bev xxx
amanda35274 hypercat
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tina89895 hypercat
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I might think about that except I'd end up on half pay if I go off sick, I only see psychiatrist every 3 months, ill try the gp tomorrow. Thank you again for the support. Going to bed now as tired eaten too much feel sick as didn't eat hardly anything all day then stuff my face when I got home. You all take care.
Tina xx
amanda35274 tina89895
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tina89895 amanda35274
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Just a quick update, got an appoitnment with a gp i'd seen once awhile ago. Tried to explain how I felt numb. blank etc went on about what happened the day before my thoughts and plans, asked if I had cpn, no discharged, she phoned the cmht duty person busy, also my psychiatrist got involved but she was busy too, could I wait, agreed. After 45 mins started getting agitated, receptionist tried to chase things up, Dr gone on lunch said I'm going so got taken into chit chat with another Dr. Embaressing silences. Another half hour went by. Said I'm wasting peoples time and I'll leave and wait a phone call. Got a call try and follow the ipt plan I've got and I will be given an appointment with pyschiatrist next week. So went fro a drive to the coast, bit fast but who cares. Laid on some rocks by the sea took 7.5 diazepam and slept in the sun for hour and half before the tide came in. Drove home not too fast again!!! wine and TV again. Arranged a walk with work colleague tomorrow,
Hope you are all having a better day and I know I keep saying thank you but it is most appreciated as I know you all have your own demons to deal with. xxx
hypercat tina89895
Posted
Good to hear from you Tina and to know you are getting help. Please try and stop your risky behaviour now though, at least until you have talked to the psychiatrist. Ok sleep on the rocks if you want to but don't od on pills while doing it!
Remember we are here for you so talk to us instead. Take care sweetheart. Bev xxx
amanda35274 tina89895
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You dont have to say sorry hun xxx its an awful place to be x we all just want to c u ok xxx glad ur back home & have something planned with colleagues tomorrow xxxx
tina89895 hypercat
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Sorry I'll try but I just get these urges, anyway 7.5 isn't that much. i know one day it will go wrong the ohs doctor even said I will most likely die accidently one wya or another.
i will do my best, I'll wait and see if this appoinmtment will come through, i'm not holding my breath again felt as if I was being a pain to everyone wasting theri time today.
That's another reason why I am finding it hard to contact the various people on my crisis plan. feel let down or maybe it is me? or got past caring.
I know you are all being positive but I just can't see it at this present time......
You all take care
Tina xx
amanda35274 tina89895
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amanda35274
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Possible82 tina89895
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Tina sounds like you need to call a mental health hospital and get
Advise. They can admit you on a seventy two hour hold. If you need
Don't know if you have insurance. A lot of the small towns have ment
Health facilities within an hour's drive. Take care. Stay with us. You are not alone.
amanda35274 Possible82
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hypercat tina89895
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Hi Tina it isn't so much the dangers of the drug but the fact by taking it in public you are opening yourself up to attack if it makes you very sleepy. How would you feel if a man tried to rob or rape you? That wouldn't be very nice and would make you feel worse.
You are not wasting anyone's time least of all the professionals. That's what they are there for and you do need them. I know how you feel coz I often feel the same way but you know with depression you can't trust your thoughts as they lead you astray.
I am sure your loved ones and we certainly do care about you and think you are a worthwhile person. We wouldn't bother answering you if we didn't would we? So stick with us and we will help and support you all we can. I hope that very soon you will get the professional help you need. There is always hope - so hang on to that. x
tina89895 hypercat
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I've pm'd you about some of your message.
I have had a good walk of over 6 miles up and down, fantastic scenery with my friend and her dog. She did most of the chatting a lot about work and my boss who seems to be very stressed out and after telling me off about my behaviour how I talk to staff he has been very rude and inconsiderate to her in front of peopel about somethign that happened outside work. I am dreading even more now of going back, so I am now afraid of talking to him. especially before my holidays he said i was selfish putting myself in a compromising position when i got picked up by the police. I will now tart hiding stuff from him.
I said my week off has been very up and down been to the doctors etc but not about what as I have only known her for about 7 months since she moved here. We have a lot in common but I am still unsure on trust.
thankyou for your comments that I am a worthwhie person, I try but just really having a bad time, I have supprressed stuff again as I don't know who to talk to I thonk that is why I feel so empty again.
I duuno you can look at stuff but until I have some consistenty I can't oh I don't know.
At least I've had a proper meal today.
I will hang on I;ve been hanging on for ages.
xxxx
tina89895 Possible82
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I'm in the UK I am assuming you are not as you mention insurance.The gp did mention about going into hospital i said no!!! Been there 2 years ago, didn't feel any benefit it was jsut for my own safety at the time.
Thank you for your support. x
tina89895
Posted
Reply to self trying to sound positive but still can't seen any point.....