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I'm Missy...I would LOVE to put faces to names here...so I thought I would make my Avatar myself for a couple days.
I am an alcoholic. I have had a hard life but that is not WHY I am an alcoholic. I want to complain and share some of that life anyway because right or wrong I like people to appreciate me, care about me, etc.
Right now I am going thru a very hard mental crisis...and I am currently waiting to talk to the Dr. I am extremely "manic" which is why I am probably posting this...I am very uncomfortable. I never believed in "labels" such as Bipolar...I always thought and still think people have "personalities"...and WHY do we have to "label" those with illnesses labels?
But, this morning and the last 3 days after suffering greatly I have come to the conclusion since alcoholism is a disease maybe Bipolar is too.
Anyway, I have been raped brutally 1x.....raped subtly 1x (which I conceived a child)..and I am unable to tell him who his Dad is BOTH were due to irresponsible DRINKING. The brutal one was because I was convinced to get in a car over being offered a BEER. Driven to a secluded spot...threatened to be left on the side of the road all the way there...etc...long story short...I managed to convince him to take me back to my car and that I would see him again. The 2x...I was in a bar...went home with a man because the person I was orignally there with and I got in a fight due to MY drinking and flirting with everyone...and he left me in the bar. The man took me to his house...was supposed to take me home....but didn't and wouldn't let me sleep unless we had sex...SO...I succumbed...after saying NO multiple times.
I was kicked out of my parents home at 16 because I DRANK too much and they didn't want me to influence my younger sisters. I had to go live in a bad neighborhood but a friend I was working with found me a safer place.
To follow all that I fell in love with a man. It turned out that led to an abusive realtionship for 22 years. Had a child with that man and that child needed open heart....poor me....YES...and I used that open heart as an excuse to take MORE time out of work so I could DRINK and stay home with my sick child.
So...Life was hard....I went to college at night as I worked full time during the day to become a Nurse...never finished...because DRINKING after work was more important than continuing courses. Right? And I was close...finished all prerequisites..but gave up on the Majors.
Guys and Gals...there is so much more to this story but I can promise I would run out of room even on this page that allows many characters for typing.
My current story: I had quit drinking for 8 years eventually in 2005 . From 2005 - 2014 life was hard. My oldest became addicted to heroin...I remained sober, my oldest went to jail. I divorced the man that was violent to me for 22 years...my job was threatened due to downsizing at least 4x in those 8 years...my Grandma had 2 open hearts which I attended to her for and (side note the 22 year relationship, my youngests sons father had also had open heart). During my sober time...both my sons got in numerous car accidents.
My oldest was in a major one in which I could post a picture but it is not on this computer....I was called from an AA meeting within my first 2 months of sobriety for my youngest sons...pretty BAD accident that was about 5 miles away and i remember shaking an praying for me not to DRINK all the way there.....
After 8 years of sobriety I begin to drink again after leaving my really good job...due to stress, mental illness and more problems that I won't go into to.
My thought process: I haven't had a beer in 8 years. OH...and I didn't mention my house was shot up (not my house, our cars) with bullets because my oldest son owed money for drugs. ....I remained sober and that was within the first year....I was in my employment parking garage and was called by a police officer to come home. I hadn't noticed the bullets in my sons car because it was DARK when I left for work that morning...I STAYED SOBER.
So...after these 8 years, leaving a good job...I thought...a drink would be nice...no work...so what the heck....a few beers? I did have those beers.
It has been 3 YEARS. I have never been able to find that comfortable desire to not pick up a drink again.....I have struggled and been in and out of the hospital at least 15 x in the past 3 years.
I have a great many people that care about me...and it doesn't matter, I still drink..I still end up in hospital.
The last time i got out of hospital was last Monday. Each time gets worse. And I still do not feel that "lifted" desire that I felt in 2005. I am frightened...but determined to NOT PICK UP AGAIN.
I wrote this for a couple reasons. One I needed to get this out and I will print this for my new psychiatrist because going thru most of the details everytime I have to change (due to medical coverage) is very exhausting...
TWO....I want people that ARE sober...and have had that desire lifted to NEVER pick up a drink no matter what because it is certainly not garanteed. that just because you were able to stay sober for any length of time that you will be able to again.
I know what is in my future if I drink. I don't need people on thier "high sober horses" to tell me THAT. I know it doesn't matter what anyone says and I know that I am not in control the alcohol is if I let it be.
The physical NEED has been removed because the hospital brought me back to life once again...so I NEED to just NOT pick up that FIRST drink again...I can die and that death gets closer and closer each time because everytime I go to the hospital it gets worse....I won't go into details about this last time..but I can promise you it gets worse.
For the young ones drinking and thinking this will never happen to you and that she is 52...I have a long time to go....you do...AND if you continue to live as I did (and I know some will because the disease is in control as it was for me)...this WILL be you in years to come because alcohol is a progressive disease....I read that years ago in my Nursing studies (actually my mothers Nursing studies)...but I thought ..."well, I'm young" but I KNEW at 17 I was an alcoholic.
And I was UNABLE for whatever reason to stop till I was 41.
Although my 8 years of sobriety were not that great.....I was ALIVE...I was functioning....and I had a great chance. I didn't KNOW it thou....I thought I could drink again.
I know now the consequences. I'm trying to let some of you know the consequences...maybe with todays technology and new medications you have a better chance...and I do too....I'm going to take my Campral.
If you ever need someone to talk to that understands your struggles without judgment....I will always lurk here....I will always post here and I will always be here via...PM.
I may not be well but I HAVE been...I learned alot in those 8 years. I'm going to pull from that experience for myself now and I'm going to pull for you too if you want help...or someone to talk to.
Hey....Thanks for listening....you certainly are not alone if you struggle with the battle of alcoholism....you are never alone.
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