Hi - Its me with some things to say

Posted , 8 users are following.

I'm Missy...I would LOVE to put faces to names here...so I thought I would make my Avatar myself for a couple days.

I am an alcoholic. I have had a hard life but that is not WHY I am an alcoholic.  I want to complain and share some of that life anyway because right or wrong I like people to appreciate me, care about me, etc.

Right now I am going thru a very hard mental crisis...and I am currently waiting to talk to the Dr.  I am extremely "manic" which is why I am probably posting this...I am very uncomfortable.  I never believed in "labels" such as Bipolar...I always thought and still think people have "personalities"...and WHY do we have to "label" those with illnesses labels?

But, this morning and the last 3 days after suffering greatly I have come to the conclusion since alcoholism is a disease maybe Bipolar is too.  

Anyway, I have been raped brutally 1x.....raped subtly 1x (which I conceived a child)..and I am unable to tell him who his Dad is BOTH were due to irresponsible DRINKING.  The brutal one was because I was convinced to get in a car over being offered a BEER.  Driven to a secluded spot...threatened to be left on the side of the road all the way there...etc...long story short...I managed to convince him to take me back to my car and that I would see him again.  The 2x...I was in a bar...went home with a man because the person I was orignally there with and I got in a fight due to MY drinking and flirting with everyone...and he left me in the bar.  The man took me to his house...was supposed to take me home....but didn't and wouldn't let me sleep unless we had sex...SO...I succumbed...after saying NO multiple times.

I was kicked out of my parents home at 16 because I DRANK too much and they didn't want me to influence my younger sisters.  I had to go live in a bad neighborhood but a friend I was working with found me a safer place.

To follow all that I fell in love with a man.  It turned out that led to  an abusive realtionship for 22 years. Had a child with that man and that child needed open heart....poor me....YES...and I used that open heart as an excuse to take MORE time out of work so I could DRINK and stay home with my sick child.  

So...Life was hard....I went to college at night as I worked full time during the day to become a Nurse...never finished...because DRINKING after work was more important than continuing courses. Right?  And I was close...finished all prerequisites..but gave up on the Majors.

Guys and Gals...there is so much more to this story but I can promise I would run out of room even on this page that allows many characters for typing.

My current story:  I had quit drinking for 8 years eventually in 2005 .  From 2005 - 2014 life was hard.  My oldest became addicted to heroin...I remained sober, my oldest went to jail.  I divorced the man that was violent to me for 22 years...my job was threatened due to downsizing at least 4x in those 8 years...my Grandma had 2 open hearts which I attended to her for and (side note the 22 year relationship, my youngests sons father had also had open heart).  During my sober time...both my sons got in numerous car accidents.

My oldest was in a major one in which I could post a picture but it is not on this computer....I was called from an AA meeting within my first 2 months of sobriety for my youngest sons...pretty BAD accident that was about 5 miles away and i remember shaking an praying for me not to DRINK all the way there.....

After 8 years of sobriety I begin to drink again after leaving my really good job...due to stress, mental illness and more problems that I won't go into to.  

My thought process:  I haven't had a beer in 8 years.  OH...and I didn't mention my house was shot up (not my house, our cars) with bullets because my oldest son owed money for drugs. ....I remained sober and that was within the first year....I was in my employment parking garage and was called by a police officer to come home.  I hadn't noticed the bullets in my sons car because it was DARK when I left for work that morning...I STAYED SOBER.

So...after these 8 years, leaving a good job...I thought...a drink would be nice...no work...so what the heck....a few beers?  I did have those beers.

It has been 3 YEARS.  I have never been able to find that comfortable desire to not pick up a drink again.....I have struggled and been in and out of the hospital at least 15 x in the past 3 years.  

I have a great many people that care about me...and it doesn't matter, I still drink..I still end up in hospital. 

The last time i got out of hospital was last Monday.  Each time gets worse.  And I still do not feel that "lifted" desire that I felt in 2005.  I am frightened...but determined to NOT PICK UP AGAIN.  

I wrote this for a couple reasons.  One I needed to get this out and I will print this for my new psychiatrist because going thru most of the details everytime I have to change (due to medical coverage) is very exhausting...

TWO....I want people that ARE sober...and have had that desire lifted to NEVER pick up a drink no matter what because it is certainly not garanteed. that just because you were able to stay sober for any length of time that you will be able to again.

I know what is in my future if I drink. I don't need people on thier "high sober horses" to tell me THAT.  I know it doesn't matter what anyone says and I know that I am not in control the alcohol is if I let it be.

The physical NEED has been removed because the hospital brought me back to life once again...so I NEED to just NOT pick up that FIRST drink again...I can die and that death gets closer and closer each time because everytime I go to the hospital it gets worse....I won't go into details about this last time..but I can promise you it gets worse.

For the young ones drinking and thinking this will never happen to you and that she is 52...I have a long time to go....you do...AND if you continue to live as I did (and I know some will because the disease is in control as it was for me)...this WILL be  you in years to come because alcohol is a progressive disease....I read that years ago in my Nursing studies (actually my mothers Nursing studies)...but I thought ..."well, I'm young" but I KNEW at 17 I was an alcoholic.

And I was UNABLE for whatever reason to stop till I was 41.

 Although my 8 years of sobriety were not that great.....I was ALIVE...I was functioning....and I had a great chance.  I didn't KNOW it thou....I thought I could drink again.  

I know now the consequences.  I'm trying to let some of you know the consequences...maybe with todays technology and new medications you have a better chance...and I do too....I'm going to take my Campral. smile

If you ever need someone to talk to that understands your struggles without judgment....I will always lurk here....I will always post here and I will always be here via...PM.  

I may not be well but I HAVE been...I learned alot in those 8 years.  I'm going to pull from that experience for myself now and I'm going to pull for you too if you want help...or someone to talk to.

Hey....Thanks for listening....you certainly are not alone if you struggle with the battle of alcoholism....you are never alone.

 

6 likes, 16 replies

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16 Replies

  • Posted

    Well Misssy - that is quite some post - makes extremely sad and honest reading.  You have lived to tell the tale - RESPECT.

    I am not sure if you realise just how strong you are.  To come through what you have takes massive courage.

    Yes, you will always be here for your family on this forum and I thank you on behalf of myself and all the other good people on here who truly value you.

    We have had many PM's between us and long may it go on.

    Keep going lovely and thank you again for your honesty smile 

    Much love wizzing your way xxxxxxxxx

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    • Posted

      Hi gwen...and thank you for all your posts as well...I had to get it off my chest...I've had some people be harsh or abrupt with me here and in the outiside world...so I wanted to share so that ...people can be reminded NOT to judge ANYONE...you never know what they have been thru...

      AND...I know everyone on here has probably been thru the same, equal..less...more....but we all have our story....I just chose to share mine smile.

      And it DOES remind me I am strong smile

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  • Posted

    Hi Missy.  So sorry to read your story.  I too have lost family and ended up in hospital due to alcohol, so I can relate to some of things that have happened to you.  

    According to doctors I was not an alcoholic, just a heavy drinker.  I didn't need a drink to get up in the morning.  I was in a habit of opening a bottle of wine at a certain time each day.  I choose myself to have home detox after trying Campral to try to cut down.  Sorry but the Campral didn't work for me. I do still think about wine and Sometimes would love to buy a couple of bottles and drink myself into oblivion.  

    Id had counselling but again that did suit me.  You have a sad story and I wish you all the best for your future.  I do wish I could be one of those 'social' drinkers, take it or leave it, but I don't think I can.  It has to be complete abstinence.

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    • Posted

      Those Drs in the UK are in denial...lol...and I've never had a Dr. question my consumption...I wish they could tell me I was just a heavy drinker but in reality I KNOW I am not..just like you KNOW (it seems).

      Yes, complete abstinence. Thank you for sharing pauline.

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  • Posted

    Thank you for sharing Misssy. That is a heartbreaking story but I also agree with everyone else. You are strong and you keep on moving forward. One of the many things I have taken from all the people here is to never give up and I am taking that to heart
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  • Posted

    Thank you Missy for your open, honest account! and for sharing a glimpse of your face 😉.

    I do hope your session with the doctor went well and you can retrieve that courage that you have deep within your reserves.

    xx👍🏽💞🙏🏻

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    • Posted

      Hi sharon...face gone...lol...its weird to see "yourself"...I added my BMW that I bought last week  instead smile.

      I just registered it today..and I went thru.....crap there....3 hours...but I got thru it...eating now smile.

      Stupid DR. didn't return my call...new psychiatrist is useless to me right now.

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  • Posted

    You do realise that you once used your complete face picture once on here (only for a few hours) and it is forever more available on Google images.
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  • Posted

    Great new wheels.

    we have all been thru the mill one way or another some far more complicated than others. I hope some newbes read your story and learn from it. If one member is swayed by your story to stop then that's a goal worth sharing.

    To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, 

    it means I can't do it for someone else.

    To "let go" is not to cut myself off,

    it's the realization I can't control another.

    To "let go" is not to enable,

    but to allow learning from natural consequences.

    To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, 

    which means the outcome is not in my hands.

    To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another,

    it’s to make the most of myself.

    To "let go" is not to care for, but care about.

    To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.

    To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

    To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, 

    but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

    To "let go" is not to be protective,

    it's to permit another to face reality.

    To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.

    To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires

    but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

    To "let go" is not to regret the past, 

    but to grow and live for the future.

    To "let go" is to fear less and love yourself more..."author unknown"

    I truly hope your family can heel and find all that is needed to forgive and find peace and move on & accepting each other's limitations and throw all the rest away!

    Hope4Cure

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    • Posted

      Me too!  That was excellent hope4cure...thank you for sharing and I know some of your sons story...sad..and I know you can relate on that level....

      God Bless.....

      xo

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