HIV fear - living hell
Posted , 4 users are following.
I’d like to share my story with you. I’m not really sure whether I’m expecting help or maybe I’m just hoping this writing experience to be cathartic. There are many people in similar situations to me, but as always with this kind of thing, I’m convinced my case is “unique” or different.
Firstly, let me give you a bit of background. I have always been afraid of death. Now I think I have become a hypochondriac as well. I used to find any solace in prayer sometimes, however I feel even God has abandoned me.
I have a very low opinion of myself, I have no self-confidence and have lived my life to please others and according to their expectations.
I had one unsafe sexual encounter in my life, worst of all, outside a relationship. I have a lot of issues in my marriage, cheating is not an excuse but I kinda had the need to feel normal, valued, wanted again. My risk was kissing a collage at work and he inserted a finger in my vagina once. Nothing else happened because I knew what I was doing is wrong and stopped it. Months after the experience , following some strange health issues, I convinced myself I have HIV. At first hiv never came on my mind, but once I started reading online... oh my God! I finally go the courage to test for HIV 8 months after my risk. All negative – but with very real ongoing symptoms since the exposure. Some can be attributed to stress / anxiety. Others cannot. Too much of a coincidence, I often think.
I struggle to accept my negative results. I look for every reason as to why I shouldn’t believe them. In the process I have convinced myself that I must have CVID (lack of antibodies) causing frequent vaginal thrush; I have then convinced myself that I am one of the serosilent who never develop antibodies. This leads to further depersonalisation. Fear. Anxiety.
My fears with this started with me being afraid of chlamidya. Then syphilis. Then HIV.
If you play the numbers game, I should be statistically in the clear – but what if I’m “the one” who is unlucky that the tests missed. I don’t trust my body.
And as with anything when one is incredibly worried, everywhere I look all I see are things related to HIV – articles, numbers, letters. A shudder instantly goes through my spine. It seems too much of a coincidence – almost like destiny.
I spend hours a day looking at all the HIV forums on the internet – looking for someone in a similar situation. Looking to convince myself one way or the other. Occasionally, I go through a few months of normality before the fear sets in again. The consequences are too dangerous to just “let it go”. I can't let it go for fear of it coming back to bite me.
Of course, I was unfaithful. Maybe I should tell my husband so he can go and get tested. Of course I have limited our sexual contacts to the minimum, with only 2-3 before I got tested, however at this point HIV wasn't on my mind and never suspected being infected myself. I can’t forgive myself. I don’t want to hurt my family. I have a child which I am scared to touch and kiss. When she gets hurt, I am terrified that I might infect her if she has an open wound.
I long to go back to my old me. When things were simple. When life was good. I don’t want to be here. Thinking about HIV, odds, statistics and symptoms. I want to move on. I am stuck in a nightmare of my own making.
As soon as I get some clarity of thought, I can relax somewhat, but I've read so much about testing and this disease that I know too much for my mind to rest fully. If it's not the fear of what it actually could be, it's the fear of what could have been. I seem to jump between the two.
I think my problems come from a number of things, such as fear of infecting a partner, my fear of death, hypochondria and other self esteem / anxiety issues. The combination of all of these has just blown me sideways.
I think this has moved beyond simple "guilt". It has been wth me so long now that it has almost made the disease a "reality".
People says that the key is forgiving myself. But I can't. I need assurances that people (and science?) don't seem to be able to give me. And when they do, I take them on board for around a week before I convince myself that just because they have said something, it doesn't change my situation or how I perceive it. Bizarrely, I keep thinking that getting alternative tests (not based on antibodies) will help, yet no doubt that if they returned negative (not that I can get them where I am anyway) then I still wouldn't believe them.
Today, I've been calculating odds like crazy – working out what the chances of different scenarios, the chances that I may not have this, the chances that she doesn't have it, the chances that the tests are correct etc. I like to try and look at the numbers to help me put things into perspective. I even try to visualise them (for example, imagining a packed football stadium full of people), but again, logic does not help.
I know this has been a bit of a rant. I’m hoping it will help (me and others). But at the moment, I’m at a loss and every day is like living hell. I need to get out of this hell and I need to do it for my child. She deserves a sane mother, she deserve so much better than what I am now 
Any thoughts, suggestions, ideas...would help and will be much appreciated. Please, just don't ask me to go and get tested again. I have not power in my left to go through this again...
2 likes, 15 replies
borderriever Sunflower15
Posted
Looking at your problem could it be guilt that is the driving force here. Personally I would think the possibility of having AIDS, or any other sexual problem associated with going of the rails would be slight to none existent.
You say you have had tests after going of the rails and all came back negative, however, because of your fears if not all ready I would suggest you return back to the Clinic and have a second test. I would also suggest further tests to put your mind at rest. With regard Aids etc they may ask you to return after a given length of time to confirm the first test as there can be an extended period before it shows.
After the tests I would then put your mind at rest.
Regards your Conscience, after the confirmation of the tests get on with your life. My Wife and I never go out alone and we never lie to each other, I am not trying to be holier than though it is a basic fact and we have now been together around forty years. Personally I feel in this case it may be best to let this lapse from your Husband, it has the possibility of wreaking any trust you have between each other. However if something shows your husband has the right to protect His health and also your families. However not telling is not a lie.
You will need to move on and learn from experience. It would seem you have had a shock and for your families benefit get on with your lives and move on
In the future behave
BOB
Sunflower15 borderriever
Posted
Thank you for your reply, BOB! Appreciate it. I have tested twice at 8 months for HIV, windows period is 3 months. So my problem really is trusting the results. I fear that going for more tests as will only fuel up my anxiety. It's already rocket high!
I am glad you and your wife have such a good relationship, but I suspect you treat her with respect and care about here. Not the case with my husband...I had my reasons to go off the rail. Anyway, I am not looking for excuses, I know I did something wrong and I regret it, however, I can't turn back time and as you said, I can only learn from experience. However with all these feelings, I am heading towards dead end.
borderriever Sunflower15
Posted
No Dead ends, just positive outcomes !!!.
If your tests are negative please run with your results, you have a future to plan.
We never had children, that was a great loss. With my disability my life has been very restrictive, I was pensioned at thirty eight, now sixty seven.
You move on now, I do not know the dynamics of your family, we all have various crosses to bear, life is not a bed of roses, it would be very boring if it was.
I am here if needed
BOB
Sunflower15 borderriever
Posted
Thank you Bob, thank you for your comforting and kind words!
When we have done something we are ashamed of, it can be very difficult to confide in even our closest friends. It is frequently easier to "depend on the kindness of strangers." (I borrowed that line from the play "A Streetcar Named Desire."
But it happens to be very true. I am glad there are people like you and forums like this.
Yes, you are right - life is not a bed of roses. I am sorry to hear you never had children, however I believe everything happens for a reason. It's just not meant to be.
Hiv is not a death sentence anymore and if it was just me, then fine, I could like with this. But thinking about the possibility of harming my husband, it's unbearable. I will not be able to live if this has happened. Tests are tests, they can be wrong, nothing is 100%...
Thank you again for your support!
harriet67221 Sunflower15
Posted
Take care
Sunflower15 harriet67221
Posted
Hi Harriet,
Thank you for your comment. I have already been to an STD clinic and I was tested twice - one rapid test and one normal lab test (blood from vein) 8 months post the risk I had. Both tests came back negative. I have been assured and reassured many many time by health professionals and doctors but this doesn't help. My problem is that I don't trust the negative results.
harriet67221 Sunflower15
Posted
Hi again I think that you have to place your trust in the results. However if you really do not then you can get a further opinion elsewhere.
?Why don't you trust the negative results? What is preventing you from accepting them? I think you need to address that issue in itself. Take care.
harriet67221 Sunflower15
Posted
Just found out that at STD clinics they should have a counsellor so you can talk to him/her in strict confidence. They are non judgmental and used to these issues.
If your test results are negative then your hubby is also safe. This experience may have left you shell shocked and you may be thinking of the what ifs rather than the reality of the situation.
Good luck.
Sunflower15 harriet67221
Posted
Hi Harriet,
Thank you for your comments again. I wish I knew why I don't trust my results. It's just I think I am some special case and tests failed to detect the virus. After this incident, my whole body went to chaos. My skin changed -very dry and itchy, my hair keeps falling, started getting yeast infections, dry mouth, back and abdominal pain. Just feel something is not right. Only hiv can explain in all, at least in my head...
Why do you feel that God has abandoned you? I feel the same, I don't feel HIS presence anymore and before it felt as if he was there with me all the time..
Is there anything I can do to help you?
harriet67221 Sunflower15
Posted
Hi again
Perhaps you are worried about the person who you had this relationship with. Was this person checked as well?
?I think it unlikely that you have contracted the HIV virus and the test results must be right. You have been tested twice. The clinics concerned would have done this as a precautionary measure as with respect they may be thinking that things between you and the other person went further than you are saying. That is not to say that your word is being doubted it is the way that the system works as they have to be very careful in checking these blood tests out . The chance of the clinic getting it wrong are non existent.
Your signs and symptoms can be due to extremely treatable conditions such as thrush, thyroid issues, a simple urine infection. The clinic would have also taken a sample of urine. This sounds as if it came back with a negative result .
I assume this is the case as you have not mentioned it.
?It sounds as though you need to talk this through with a sexual health counsellor.
Perhaps you feel that you cannot resist another relationship/encounter and cannot face going through this trauma all over again.
?I am not a marriage guidance counsellor but there is an Organisation called Relate for people in relationships. You could be seen alone or with your hubby if he agrees. I do not know wht else to say really.
You have done the right thing in getting checked out twice and the results are negative which is excellent news.
This means both you and your hubby are safe.
You need time to come to terms with things it seems because you must have been under a terrific strain perhaps not knowing just how worrying this really is.
Personally I myself would not take a risk of having any close 'encounters' with another person ever again. To me it is just not worth the worry.
I do not wish to create problems for myself and certainly not for my hubby as that would be grossly unfair. I personally would not make things worse by discussing this with your hubby either. What is the point in hurting him?
Take care and avoid these stressful situations is my advice.
Thanks.
.
Sunflower15 harriet67221
Posted
Harriet, thank you again for taking the time to write me such a long reply.
I don't know the status of the person and not sure if he's ever been tested. He was a colleague, who left the company already and I am not in touch with him. We never had any relationship. The whole incident happened one day after work, while waiting for the train. We go in one directions. We never had any sex together or any other sort of relationship.
I would never have sex with someone else but my husband. This thing just happened as a result of the problems we are having in our marriage. I had the need to feel wanted again, to feel woman again...Anyway, not going to go in details about why I did it, there is no excuse anyway and certainly I would never do it again.
The only reason to tell him is so he can get tested and make sure he is safe. I will die if I have infected him...
harriet67221 Sunflower15
Posted
Had you not had any tests then I can understand your intense worry.
Is there a way of getting him to be tested without explaining why?
I doubt it but it is worth thinking about. He may understand. I do not know. That is why I suggested discussing it with an expert such as a sexual health counsellor . I would repeat that advice and then consider telling your husband but you may be risking the relationship with him Only you can make that decision unfortunately. The other thing is to ask the man you had this encounter with but can u trust his answer? Good luck .
sarah43910 Sunflower15
Posted
I am sorry you are feeling so low. I do understand. I am feeling like God has abandoned me as well, and I used to be a pretty religious person!
You are not alone and you will get through this!
sarah43910 Sunflower15
Posted
Sunflower15 sarah43910
Posted
Hi Sarah,
Thank you for your comments! I wish I knew why I don't trust my results. It's just I think I am some special case and tests failed to detect the virus. After this incident, my whole body went to chaos. My skin changed -very dry and itchy, my hair keeps falling, started getting yeast infections, dry mouth, back and abdominal pain. Just feel something is not right. Only hiv can explain in all, at least in my head... [sad]
Why do you feel that God has abandoned you? I feel the same, I don't feel HIS presence anymore and before it felt as if he was there with me all the time..
Is there anything I can do to help you?