Hms has ruined relationship

Posted , 6 users are following.

I am not the hms sufferer I am the partner of 25 years. Partner has had various problems causing pain and multiple surgeries for 15 years...only in The last year a physiotherpist diagnosed hms. I have tired to be supportive and have always been the one to find new treatments to try or information. As time has gone on my partners pain has increased along with his anger and these manifest now in what I would call rages. It means I tip toe around walking on eggshells most of the time. I have put up with it because I grieve for his loss of quality life, career and feel overwhelming sympathy for him but I feel like I am running on empty now. We have a 6 year old daughter and I can't let her continue to witness these aggressive outbursts. There is never an apology... 'the pain makes me feel that way' 'you can't know how it feels'. I don't see a future anymore and I am heart broken and sad but he wont take any resposbility and I am tired and depressed living like this. I don't have any hope leftsad

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6 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi there

    This post is so sad. I really feel for you and your little girl. 

    I am a sufferer of hmjs and I feel sorry for my husband- we have come to London for the week end and yesterday I was brilliant and today I am in so much pain and it has ruined our day today and I could cry for my husband who has tried to make it do special for me.  He doesn't understand my pain and how could he. 

    Pain makes you feel so miserable alone and sad. I wish I could just be an active normal partner for him but I can't. 

    I pretend to smile but when I am in lots of pain I go very quiet which creates an atmosphere.,

    I feel so sad for you, your husband and your daughter xxx

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    • Posted

      Hi Katrina 

      Thank you for your response, it made me cry. To be in that position where your pain ruins a lovely weekend and I can imagine trying to smile through it must get so hard. I feel so awful complaining when I don't have the pain you and my oh have to deal with. I feel guilty and like I should feel lucky. But I worry about our daughter thinking it's normal for mums to put up with the anger and equally ok to deal with frustration with temper. It's just horrible for all involved and really there's no support. No one can see chronic pain... it doesn't have a missing limb or often there is no obvious sign of it being so dibilatating. I morn a normal, happy partnership and I'm sure you and my partner do too. I wish you all the best it sounds like your husband loves you lots x

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    • Posted

      Hi there 

      Has your husband had counselling. 

      I had a really good counsellor for five months and have to try and remember that some days I am pain free and look forward to them. 

      Only you know how angry your husband gets and whether it is bad enough to leave. If your husband is agoid man apart from his pain then it's about trying to find a way through it. 

      Some days I can't walk and my husband cycles hundreds of miles and I feel so guilty and so bad for him that he hasn't got a normal life. 

      Pain is crippling , debilitating and so exhausting but you need to be treated with kindness and love too. 

      Life is so not fair and despite having chronic foot and a k pain since I woke and still sitting on the train coming back from London I just count my blessings I haven't got a condition such as cancer

      I know we are on opposite ends of the spectrum but you need someone to talk to too. 

      Please feel free to message xx

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  • Posted

    Hi there. Pain sucks but so does being the partner trying to help. Tough situation. Katrina has the best idea. Thinking of those worse off. I used to picture all the really sick people in hospital on my really bad days and be thankful that wasn't me. 

    Sounds like yr husband is in a dark place just now. No, you can't know how his pain is or understand. But, on the flip side, has he thought how life is for you. Wondering when he's going to rage? Or how yr daughter feels watching mum and dad?  

    Sometimes we need to be pulled out of our funk and be thoughtful of others. They are suffering to, just differently. Learning some cbt may help. Or meditation. I have learnt many tricks to stay positive over the years. Feeling angry and sorry for himself will not help yr man. I truely hope you find a way through all this. Good luck. 

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  • Posted

    Hi Chacha,

    So sorry you are receiving the brunt of your partners outbursts.

    I am not making excuses for him, not in any shape or form, but as a sufferer of hypermobile EDS, losing my career, my independence and most of my friends (fed up with me cancelling arrangements etc) I have become bitter, and a nightmare to be around when I'm in pain - which unfortunately is more often than not.

    I don't have a partner to take it out on, and my two eldest daughters help me immensely but know not to fuss around me because I get emotionally distressed, mostly because I'm 45 and didn't expect to lose everything so early in life and it hurts deeply that I have to rely on them, and my 17 year old son, or not being able to spend time with my grandsons because I can't move.

    I get fed up feeling useless, I'm sure your partner feels useless most of the time too. He's not being fair by taking it out on you or your daughter, but I'm sure he does it to cover his embarrassment. - Little boys pull the hair or shove little girls that they like, I'm sure that mechanism of hiding emotion continues into adulthood.

    Anyway - Has he had a formal diagnosis from a doctor? You said a physio diagnosed it, but I would suggest you both go to see your GP and ask for a referral to a rheumatologist for a formal diagnosis. 

    Does he take any medication? There are various pain medications and also tricyclic antidepressants that help with pain. Also, maybe an antidepressant to help with his mood.

    It may take a while to find the proper combination of suitable meds, but it should help him in the long run.

    Have a look at the hypermobility and EDS websites for loads of advice and information. Thankfully, more and more awareness is being recognised in the medical community and if he refuses to go to the Dr, maybe go to see your own so they can offer help.

    Good luck



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  • Posted

    I've suffered hm for 25 years, diagnosed 10 years ago and only offered more and more medication, that has worse and worse side effects. So I started acupuncture and it's helping, maybe that could help your partner?  It's worth a try.

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