Hopeless/Crazy Girl finds Hope and trys to spread it :)

Posted , 3 users are following.

Hey everyone,

Hi there, I was feeling like a wanted to share some stuff as having a good day (not saying a was singing and dancing about but lets face it any day were u don't feel filled with darkness or emtyness has to be positive) Am starting to find it helps to get out the house (not been a fan of this much as I am afraid or panic when a have to leave the house alone and living alone doesn't really help that) and be social (althought it was only at my mums but it did me good to spend time wif her and my brother). I've had an odd day of mixed emotions but nothing too bad at tall, just a mixture of feeling bit up beat then bit frustrated then angry and now am a little bit sleepy but in all I think its been a pretty good day for me. I know that its going to take time and for all I know tomorrow I could feel in total darkness again, but a dunno a feel today I've been thinking alot bout things (lol well that happens every day but it was less manic and freakin out and more kind of well normal). Think today I have come to terms with the fact that I am like this and it seems to be an ongoing thing. It sounds a bit odd but I think being honest and patient with myself today helped.

I have had depression so many times (in the short space of 4 years) and I don't know yet if it is bipolar but whatever the reason, I seem to be acepting it more as something thats a part of me that I have to deal with (does this make any sense or is it just another one of my random statements). I think I have to see the gp in a week or two (I have to remember and check my line to find out) and she said then that she would have me tested for bipolar, so I am interested to find out. I was very scared at first but I think it was more scared of the unknown, I have looked into it and I do think that it would explain alot bout me, my life and the way I am. Whatever the diagnosis be it bipolar or depresion, I know that its something I will have to accept and deal with.

I feel like today has been a clear day, well not all day but for some of it. I still had my wee panics and anger and stuff, wif the mind racing and the can't be bothered moving and then argh can't be bothered answering you so stop talking to me (in my head, lol whats that all bout, anyone get that where there is someone talking to you and you are trying hard to look like u are listening but all the while thinking \"stop talking, ok stop talking now, you are still talking, why won't you stop?, aw don't try and get me to join in a don't have the energy to think the now never mind talk, aw don't ask me questions a don't wanna talk, leave me, just sit in silence. lol then eventually they must get the hint, not that u have been horrible or anything, they must just see it in ur face or hear it in the I can't be arsed slurred weak voice u are using to answer them, lol but eventually they stop talking and u just think ahhhhh. Lol so sorry went off on one there, can't shut ma self up sometimes, if a get an idea a have to go wif it till its gone lol) god what was a talking bout? lol will have to go bak and read my own post to find out what a was sayin before a put ma crazy bracketed statement in..sorry (lol saying that like someone will actually still be reading this mince :oops: ) lol never mind even a can't be bothered to go bak and read where a was and what a was saying :lol:

lol See havin a good day but still crazy in the head :lol: Anyway the point a was trying to make (a think) before a got caught up in ma own thoughts of randomness hopin that someone would know what a meant was, even when the days are that bad that u can't face getting out of bed, or talking to anyone, answering the phone, or even texting people bak, its days like this that make u think \"u know what a can cope wif this and come out the other end, and a will beat this or at least manage it to the best of my ability and look out for the signs and the moods and the patterns. I don't know if anyone will read or reply to this and oddly not that bothered (lol usually would be quite hurt if I thought no one would reply but just now a don't really mind). A just wanted people to see that there are some good days somewhere behind the terrible ones. I have only just joined this site and have found it a great releif and well a godsend really as before I felt so so so alone and as if no one understood me or how I felt or what I meant when I could be bothered trying to describe it. I think thats kind of where this good day has came from to be honest. Just not feeling alone and knowing that at least someone understands you because they have these feelings too. You don't have to go into detail or try and explain yourself like you would to the people you love who don't understand and you don't get frustrated or give up trying to explain how you feel, because people get you here, they understand and give dam good advise or comfort. I just wanted to say thank you for the people who made and run this site because it is a great thing! often people post when they need help or are scared or angry or upset or desperate and thats good, let it all out and say how you feel, ask for adivice, ask for help, give advice, tell people how you feel and don't feel alone! Hopefully I am making sense here and not just waffling on? But if my rambling on when a am having an up day brings a smile, a laugh or a wee bit hope to someones terrible day then a am glad a did it smile .....if not a am so sorry and quite embarressed :oops: (will be especially embarresed if the dark mood suddenly takes over me again, a will prob read this and think god what was a taking bout) so sorry, just feelin a bit on a high and hoped a could share it smile

Big Hugs to you all, mt heart and thoughts go out to you, take care x

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4 Replies

  • Posted

    Good morning Not-So-Hopeless

    Welcome to the road of recovery. It can be a very long and windy road with lots of road signs that send you back a few miles but hey! Stick with it and eventually you will come to the finishing line.

    By the way - an excellent post that you made above - I had to keep checking it wasn't one of my rambles from a few months ago. These long and lengthy rambles - the posting everything that is racing around in your head certainly helped me - I really do hope it will help you.

    If you wake today feeling hopeless again, try hard to keep remembering yesterday when you were not-so-hopeless. Hang on to that memory, as the days and weeks go by you will be having more of those not-so-hopeless days. Try not to be too hard on yourself if today is another crap day - take each hour as it comes and ride it through.

    I sincerely admire your strength and determination and - well done :D Don't let the demon grind you down.

    Stay strong and do keep posting your rambles here - I for one will read every word of it and hope that in some way by doing so I will have taken some of your load off you so you can continue to be strong in your fight against this dreadful illness.

    Love 'n' Hugs

    Melbi xxx

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  • Posted

    smile Hey crazygirl/hopeless. Have read your last posting over a couple of times. It makes really pleasing reading that you are starting to come to terms with whatever you may have. Be it depression/bipolar?!?

    I am really struggling to come to terms myself. I have been like this for so long now on and off. I can go for 3 or 4 years as normal as hell, then for whatever reason completely lose the plot. My thoughts become so irrational although I have difficulty seeing it at the time. I can become so agressive and not just to myself anymore. I've started shoplifting, keyed someones car (for parking too close to mine???), had a row with a bloke over a queue for petrol and all sorts silly things like this. I feel guilty as hell afterwards but at the time in my own mind it's the right thing to do. I sat at home the other day and was physically shaking with panic/anxiety. I have a ball baring gun and started shooting myself in the foot. There was no pain, so I kept going. Twelve shots in. Christ it hurt a couple of days later when the swelling came out.

    I can't talk to my family about this sort of stuff. They know the recent diagnosis but the self harm and anger I keep hidden. My best mate has recently left our place of work to start a new job down south and although we didn't see each other every day I miss knowing she's just round the corner. I guess we've still got chat rooms to fall back on.

    Work is a real struggle just now. I've been getting mentally bullied by 1 of my supervisors. I have told my manager and they have promised to sort it but I am so scared of him finding out it was me that said anything. I'm not only frightened he might intimidate me more but has been known for his violent outbursts in the past.

    Last night I didn't sleep. It was gone 5 by the time I eventually crashed. I tried ringing our Crisis team but a bloke answered who really p'd me off. I rang every half hour or so for three hours and I kept getting him. I so wanted to get stuff off my chest.

    So hear I am, rambling on to a complete stranger. You are the only person I have been honest with. I even keep stuff from my psych as I am frightened they might lock me away or something.

    You should be really pleased that you have been able to help someone open up with your posting. It won't make my problems go away but at least I have unburdened myself a bit.

    I have found a website useful. Don't know if I can give it out, but it's the MIND web pages.

    Thanks for listening. :D

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  • Posted

    :x Hi guys Melbi/Hopeless

    I think I more hopeless than you . I just shot my foot up again. The release it gives me is incredible. I think i just apprehensive bout whats happenin at work but wot a buzz. Theres blood but so little pain, I know it will come in a day or so. Why do i do this? I can be so normal one day and completely flip the next. My heads in overdrive and no one understands what it's like. I'm in tears writing this now but i have no one else i can talk to. I just want to be normal again. Call it mundane whatever, it's gonna be a long night. If anyones out there please keep me company.


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  • Posted

    That was brilliant.

    I went to the doctor on Monday with a very dark spell, the worst of my life, I'd never seen a doctor before as I felt I was being silly. I was put on some medication and I've done some research. I came across a bipolar website and man, it told the story of my life.

    I am actually so happy that I know what is wrong with me, I thought I was seriously going mental and really didn't know what to do.

    This is going to be the change in my life that I have needed for so long. Feeling so so so so so so good and then suddenly so so so so so so so depressed. I thought I was seriously going insane.

    Gonna cut the booze and coffee out for a while in my own little trial of things and see what happens. I honestly have the most relief right now. I'm not a nutter! Yay!

    Thanks again for your post you summed up my thoughts brilliantly.

    Take care all of you!

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