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I don’t know what had happened to me, I don’t even recognise myself anymore. I used to be such a carefree person – never really sad – always on a level of happiness and interest. But in the last few years I often find myself in such a spiral of anxiety that I start to feel like I am going crazy.
I think it started out with a simple and mild case of social-anxiety. I would go red a lot and that spiralled into a dread/fear of certain social situations. It was getting worse anyway, but then I began to take a contraceptive pill called Marvelon and it had a terrible effect of me. I became seriously depressed and was crying all the time for no reason – I really began to dread things which I had never given much thought before, e.g. growing up, moving out, my parents death, my death (basically change). Eventually I realised that the pill was causing my sudden personality change and I stopped taking it, but the effects and memories of that time are still with me and I fear have changed me for good.
This last year I have found a real struggle. I get along from day to day fine, but barely any time passes in which I do not have a bout of anxiety over something. The simplest thing can trigger it and I am suddenly unable to stop negative thoughts from entering my head, furthering my feelings of dread. The ‘episodes’ always pass and I feel better, but it’s just difficult to live like this!
Right now my situation is especially difficult, as I have just finished University and have returned home to take some time out (I am planning to work and volunteer, learn some new skills and hobbies, etc), but I have some free time before I start work and so I have free days with nothing to do but get myself into a state. I know that there is nothing wrong with taking some time out to figure things out but I can’t help feeling I am a failure, will be a failure and am going nowhere. My degree has gotten me nowhere – it’s a bit worthless to be honest, and I don’t know if I should pursue my dream job (requiring further study) or get a job with a decent wage. These types of thoughts are swirling around in my head with others like – I will never be in love, I will never get married.
I know it sounds ridiculous – I know I have a warm house, food, family and friends and so I am luckier than many people in the world. But sometimes I become so anxious that everything seems very distant and life becomes completely strange to me. Everything is hard to understand and feels strange. I hope it is just generalised anxiety, because although I find it hard to deal with, I think I can persevere in life. What other choice is there?
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