Horror!!! help!!

My life is crumbling down more than it was before. yes, i'm starting this like that because im desperate. I've been living 9 years with ocd ( more than one theme of ocd) plus anxiety disorder, depression, phobias, manias and other stuffs. I also have health anxiety and i'm paranoid. But the most thing that affects me is the ocd, super hard. I started antidepressant when i finally decided to visit for the second time a psychologist ( my worst mistake ever) i can't remember which meds i took before, but i do remember that i got off them because they literally broke my stomach and where not helping at all. I , since i was a little girl i suffered from gastritis, and the first meds were making that condition worst, so i got off them and put on Mirtazapine 15 mg and vistaril 25 mg. I can say that in my first week on Mirt i felt like i didn't felt for 9 years( My ocd was quiet, i didn't have any intrusive thoughts or anything else that the ocd made me feel) then the rest of the days, i kept feeling better, until i found multiple articles saying that antidepressants taken in long term ( taken for many years) was really bad for health, that the reason of some peoples sudden deaths( when they apparently were healthy and okay) was because of taking antidepressants, which caused multiple health issues( some at high risk of having them) So of course, from someone who loves her life i quickly decided to get out of it ( thinking mainly about my health, so i dont get more problems , health problems, than what i already have) i remember i cut the pill in half, and took 7.5 mg, but it destroyed me, making me feel instantly sick, was horrible ( i didn't know back then about withdrawals and that this med cause dependence and that coming off was such a journey and a pain in the ass and also, very dangerous) so i went and cut it in half but the next day i had to go back at taking the full 15 mg pill. To make this short, is been almost 2 years of tapering this med ( after many errors and mistakes) i finally found a " better way" to taper this med off ( which is the liquid solution) i found about that when i was at 10 mg so since then i've been tapering like that although way to fast( my othe rmistake) but i finally, like i said, found the " right way" of tapering this med, which is my 1 mg every 46 days. Now, after all i've gone through with the tapering ( a horror) now i'm starting to think what i should've had thought since the beginning, but i was sooo stressed and soo many thing were happening, choices that i needed to make( hard ones) overall i was going though hell, so i didnt think about what i'm thinking now. Ocd is a disorder that doesn't have a cure( said from the people who apparently know) yes, some people have gotten cure and never again have to experience the horror that ocd causes ( something that not many are aware of) but is a few, and its still something that got me shock and still can't understand how but good for them, they got the miracle. But i sadly am not one of those persons, i've been suffering really bad because of my ocd and instead of getting better ( like i hope everyday that i would) i dont, and i'm getting worst. I can say that my ocd is now worst than before starting antidepressants. Don't know if it is because i'm tapering( coming off this med) and that makes my problems worse than what they were already?? but one thing i know is that, once i come off this med for good ( completely) what then?.. i which i could still think that once im off i'm gonna be cure of everything and the pill will go down along with all my mental problems, but i know that's to good to be truth. The small saint part of my brain tells me that everything will go back to be the way it was before or worse, and i ask myself now...i'm going through all of this horror, suffering even more because of the tapering and all for what?? to eventually have to get back on meds because my ocd is bad again?? that's why i started this with my life is crumbling down ( more than it has this 9 years of suffer) i've got many relapses with my ocd ( 3 days without eating from how depressed those intrusive none stop thoughts made me feel, and the other repalses have been equally bad or worse) now i'm sensing another relapse and i think is a bad one, so what am i supposed to do?? i trying soo hard but everything keeps falling out of place and getting more messier. I'm not only dealing with my mental problems, but with the tapering as well and its difficulties which are a lot. what am i suppose to do?? this is just incredible... is like you try and try and keep trying but no succeed. I'm p****d off!

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