How can I help my daughter with her anger problems?

Posted , 5 users are following.

My daughter has problems with anger. For example, this morning I was busy pumping up the tyres of her car (that I bought for her and still pay the insurance) and making sure the oil was topped up so she wouldn't have any problems on a long journey she's doing this morning. She started to shout at me because I'd been in to her room nearly a week ago to retrieve my gym bag that I lent her three weeks ago and that I needed to take to a class I was teaching. She shouted at me while I was making, then eating my breakfast, then followed me upstairs still shouting and swearing at me. In these situations, she keeps saying that I (or whoever it is she is angry with at the time) need to let her finish what she's saying but she will not let anyone else have their say.

I apologised for going in her room but asked if, in future, she could give things back that she has borrowed. This started her off again and she demanded another apology for going into her room which I initially refused to do but later in the argument I did apologise again. When she demanded a third apology I said I'd already apologised twice and she said it didn't count as I clearly hadn't meant it!

This went on and on until I got fed up with her hurtful accusations and left the house early in order to go to the doctor's. She phoned me 8 times while I was on my way there and when I answered the phone once I'd arrived she shouted at me over the phone for not picking up, accused me of making her late and demanded to know why I'd taken the sat nav holder with me (which I hadn't - her father has it in his car).

I then saw that she'd put stuff about this on Facebook, swearing about me and saying that I was deliberately sabotaging her long drive!

In the past I've sent her to child therapists but she hasn't implemented any of the things they've told her to do.

I'm crying as I type this as I'm at the end of my tether and don't know what else I can do.

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8 Replies

  • Posted

    Have you considered just saying "yeah, yeah, whatever" and then if it goes on just telling her to "shut up" and then walking away cheesygrin You need to use behavior modification (Google it) on her smile
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  • Posted

    Thanks for your reply, but that sort of thing just makes her angrier and gives her the amunition that I'm the one behaving childishly. Walking away doesn't help as she just follows me. I even locked myself in my room this morning but she just stood outside banging on the door - I thought she was trying to break the hinges!

    I'll certainly google behaviour modification and see what comes up. Thanks.

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  • Posted

    In it's simplest terms BM is Super Nannys 'naughty step', you reward 'good' behavior with high / positive attention and 'bad' behavior with negative (in your case) non verbal cues, you also attempt to preempt and positively defuse 'bad' behavior before it starts with prompts (this can be as simple as offering to make a cup of tea or a sandwich (if she doesn't want one you still go and make one for yourself), even going to the loo or feeding the cat), just like you can tell when she's going to 'kick off' she will learn (without being consciously aware) when her behavior is not appreciated by the subtle prompts and (especially the) cues you provide, obviously you may need to exaggerate these cues because she's got some difficulties,, it doesn't work overnight but you can expect some remarkable results if you choose the right cues and prompts...

    Hope you understand what I'm saying smile

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  • Posted

    All kids - like all humans, get angry. Anger is a defense against deeper feelings of fear, hurt, disappointment, and pain. When those feelings are too devastating, we automatically move into anger to keep ourselves from feeling so much pain. Children mobilize against the perceived threat by attacking. (The best defense is a good offense.)

    Basically, try either doing what house suggested or - try to help her express her feelings. Buy some cheap glasses, and then take her to a wall/fence, and break the glasses together, and tell her to free her emotions. SHould help.

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  • Posted

    Does she have a boyfriend? The sooner she leaves home and puts the problem on to someone else the better for you.

    I can assure you that several I have known like that did not improve with age and will not accept help.

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  • Posted

    Wow, I'm sorry that you are having to deal with such abusive behaviour from your daughter. She sounds like she needs a slap of reality; tough love is what is needed here. If I were you, I'd pull all of the support you are giving her. Stop paying for her car insurance and anything else that you pay for. Personally, I'd ask her to leave the house when she is having one of her screaming fits. She's not a child, if she's old enough to drive, she's old enough to be told that her behaviour is unacceptable. Tell her that you will not accept her tantrums or outbursts any more. Tell her that you love her and are there to support her but that she needs to help herself. She can't go through life behaving like this, she needs to address this. If she is not willing to deal with these issues then I suggest, quite simply, that you kick her out. This does of course depend on her age; I'm not sure where you are from so don't know the driving age in your country. In the UK it's 17, so by the time they've had their lessons and taken their test, they are pretty close to being 18 years old.

    Just because you are her parent, does not mean that you have to take abuse from her. I'm amazed that you apologised for going into 'her' room. Does she pay rent? Does she have part ownership in the house? If not, then technically it's not 'her' room. The house belongs to you and you are free to go wherever you want in your own house. OK sure, I'm not saying you have a right to go looking through her personal stuff, but going into a room to retrieve something that is yours is not something that you need to apologise for.

    There is a point when you are no longer responsible for your children and they have to make their own way in life. I know it's hard because as a parent you love your child unconditionally but the current situation that you are in is an abusive one. Ask yourself this: Would you allow your husband or anyone else to treat you like she does? If the answer is no, then you need to address this.

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  • Posted

    Did she have this problem when at school? If so surely they would have advised you to take her to a specialist.

    If it is of recent origin have you spoken to her doctor about her tantrums?

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  • Posted

    I am also curious about how she behaves in other situations. I mean, does this only happen at home and with you? It so, that might help you figure out what exactly the problem is. Also, have you tried simply asking her? A simple, "What's wrong?" When she is not already upset can go a long way. Maybe she will simply open up and let you know what's going on if she feels like she has an open ear of someone who will listen to her. It may seem simple, but with kids sometimes you have to try to not over-think it.
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