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How can I make sense of my feelings of numbness?

Posted , 5 users are following.

lucious
lucious

I am a 17-year-old girl and have been feeling numb for about two months now, being in this situation for the first time I am really at my wits' end. It started off as being intense sadness merged with apathy and then it consistently changed shape: from depressive feelings/worthlessness, anxiety and a sense of derealization/surreality, to its ultimate evolution which is that of feelings of emptiness and contempt towards the world that seems so pointless and nonsensical. the intense grief I felt at first has now been drained but I still am unable to experience anything like happiness. I do things in my life and go through the motions, yet feel no stimulation whatsoever or by any stretch of mind pleasure. What worries me is that I am not necessarily sad but everything around me seems dull. So eating tasty food does not make me feel fleeting pleasure, meeting friends seems just as unsatisfying as being on my own, checking out new music (a huge passion of mine since as long as I can remember) gives me minimal emotions, let alone taking up new hobbies, and  watching or reading extremely suggestive and evocative movies and books either depresses,bores or weirds me out. I have no desire to fall in love (even though I have a concrete chance with a person that I have been wanting for months) or to maintain relations with people around me, even though I care so much about them! What's more, I have been smoking weed on and off for about a 9 months (at least once a week, but also daily and repeatedly throughout the day), but now am unable to reach the high that would normally come automatically: while this is also obviously due to having developed a tolerance, I have a feeling that my state of mind is hindering me from having a proper, happy high. Same goes for alcohol, getting tipsy makes me want to dance and sing but is in no way a deterrent to the onslaught of worries in my mind. I am seeing a shrink once a month who prescribed Xanax to me and have weekly appointments with a psychologist, however the medication  is so light all it ever does is help me sleep (which is also a huge problem right now, given a persistent early morning wakefulness) and the psycotherapy can only help me identify the root cause to all I'm experiencing, which I am so clueless about atm. I have recently graduated high school and will be going to university abroad in September. I understand this is a critical time in my life which will surely bring about a huge change so mine could just be a natural response in preparation for the big move and the fears that go with it. All the same life is very grim for me right now, every day looks the same and I just wish I could go back to feeling the way I felt two months ago. I am not excited about anything right now, be it something small like  an upcoming concert or something big like moving to London, but all the while I cannot trust myself because all my thoughts seem to have been tampered with by this huge interna void. What is there to do? How can I go back to living life to the fullest and to the balance I had previously achieved?

1 like, 3 replies

3 Replies

  • laura08496
    laura08496 lucious

    Posted

    dear lucious. what a great name. you do understand that it takes a lot of confidence for someone to call themselves something so special...and you got it!

    i want to mention something about the xanax. i was taking it for anxiety three times a day. i liked how it made me feel. in the beginning anyway... soon, my body got so used to it, that my days lost the little life that i ever even had. i was walking (crawling) through life, and slowly losing any happiness and energy i had for just about anything. so what did i do? i decided it would be a great idea to raise my dose of xanax. oh yaaas girl, i felt better for sure. for maybe one week and then the thrill of life left me just sitting down, staring at the walls in my bedroom. so genious that i am, started to have some beers with it.  what insanity. thank god i told my doctor how i was coping (if that's what you wanna call it), and of course he scolded me. i guess i had to learn my lessons by making my own mistakes before consulting my doctor. never a good idea. thanks to him, we swiched around some different meds to see what else would work for me. and yes, the xanax is still in my life. i take it as prescribed, at bedtime to ensure a good nights sleep. now, for you...you are so smart and eloquent with your words. i am so impressed. just out of highschool, and moving abroad! do you realise how huge that is?! stress can leave us numb, or way out of control. it all depends on who we are, and how we handle things. i wish i had advice for you. i can only recommaend(nice spelling) an honest talk with your doctor. maybe he can come up with something to make your life more enjoyable. you are so young, and gifted with a great brain....you need to find a solution before you move away. all i can say is good luck and feel better. and be proud of yourself. i am proud of you, so you should even feel more proud. so hang in there for now. i have a feeling you are gonna be just fine. just talk with your doctor, and be honest. when i tryed to go back to smoking hooch, my doctor almost ripped my head off. its not good for everyone. not good for me anyway. so, be honest with your doc, follow his instructions, and have the great life that you are entitled too!    truly yours, laura

  • KMRC
    KMRC lucious

    Posted

    Love the name and what confidence it shows!  Listen to Laura.  Smart cookie and knows of what she speaks.  Look at you.  Wow!  Going to college abroad.  What a wonderful experience this will be for your mind and attitude.  You are obviously are very bright but maybe you're having a little angst about leaving all you are comfortable with, friends, family, etc.  It probably hasn't truly hit you yet on all the changes that will happen in the next few years.  Talk to your doc, for sure, but my bet is that you will do great.  It has only been a few months so these feelings are not "set" in your psyche.  Good luck.  Be kind to yourself and treat yourself like you want others to treat you.  Smile at yourself in the mirror and leave notes around reminding you how exceptional you are!  Enjoy England and your studies.  I have faith that with a little help from a doc or therapist you will be off and running before you know it.😎
  • jo57386
    jo57386 lucious

    Posted

    Hi Lucious

    It sounds like you are seeing the health professionals you need to. Make sure you find people when you move because that is huge! But how exciting and it may be just what you need a total change of scene. You sound like a very brave, mature and smart 17 year old. I will say that the weed and alcohol may be making things worse both being depressants even though they may make you feel better for a while but I only have experience with the alcohol. To me it sounds like you are at an age where you need constant change and new experiences to find yourself so your move could be the best thing ever even if its nit it may open up opportunities or make you realise what you really want and need. Take care and just make sure you find a good psychologist and psychiatrist. Jo x

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