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How can you change when you dont really want to?

Posted , 5 users are following.

Bailey93
Bailey93

Suffered with aggressive Bulimia & Restricting & obsessive exercising for a year and a half now but suffered with episodes of bulimia since my first episode in year 6 in primary school which would have made me 10 or 11. I turned 20 in November.

August 2012 I weighed just over 16 stone, January 2014 - Current weight is 142 lbs/ 10.2 stone Ive lost 6 stone in a year.

Ive been with my current boyfriend for a year and 5 months, so met him basically at my heaviest and hes known about my ED since things first started getting nasty really; I love him more than anything and despite the fact that he hates that I do it, he has always supported me and never pushed me. Recently my mood swings have got worse and all I do is push him away, I never feel good enough, always feel ugly, or disgusting and can never see my place in the world and that place ever being happy. Hed never cheat on me but I constantly question him and if we row the first thing that comes into my head is " go find a nice skinny girl ". Its putting so much pressure on us now, We cant enjoy simple things like meals out because what's the point in him paying for a nice meal when ive got to the point where I cant even wait till im home and im alone to purge, instead opting for frequent toilet breaks instead. I know im hurting him, I know my family know but are too scared to confront me so instead be idiots and remove the lock on the bathroom door. Im really secretive about most things and my "friends" haven't got a lot of time for me because I never want to go out drinking or doing anything that involves calories or food and half the time that im with them I cant help talking about the gym or loosing weight but I don't mean to but Its like everything I used to enjoy has gone.

I don't really want to change because to me my bulimia is the power I never had...Its control in moments of weakness, its eating the same stuff that skinny people eat, enjoying it then not getting fat....getting compliments from the people that used to bully me. I know im going to loose him eventually if I cant resolve what ever this is in my head but what if he asked me to make a choice?I can honestly say I couldn't choose. Health warnings don't phase me, rather be teethless and skinny right? The only thing that bothers me from time to time is that I cant enjoy my favourite food (Indian) but that's probably a good thing anyway.

Ive put off work and gone back to study and to go uni yes to produce a good career but it means another 3 years of not having to be around people and share the same toilets too often. Hospitalised myself last year with sever potassium deficiency and vomiting blood & cant remember a single day in the last year where I wasn't sick.

I need to know that there is a way back from this, I need to know that there are people that have been as deep as me and have got better when getting better has been the last thing that you want to do. Thanks in advance.

1 like, 8 replies

8 Replies

  • AnonymousWoman
    AnonymousWoman Bailey93

    Posted

    OK Bailey, I can't say that I've been as bad as you with the bulimia. But I have had eating problems and problems with depression and anxiety that were pretty bad. 

    I have a friend who has anorexia. No doubt about it. It's so obvious just from her size alone. I used to wonder was it my fault because, like you said, I always used to talk about losing weight/being healthy/counting calories because I was self conscious MYSELF. I used to talk so harshly about anyone who had a little bit of extra weight. I hated myself for it. I used to say to myself and even to other friends before that "It's only because I think like that about myself" I realise now that that's  definitely not an excuse and such a wrong way to think. But unfortunately it's the truth. . But anyways, I REALLY wanted to talk to her about it. Like I have been bawling my eyes out on a couple of occassions, so worried for her. But when I talked to her sister about it, her sister told me it was a family thing. I have let my friend know I want to be there for her and she has opened up to me about other things but the understanding I have about it at the moment, is that her anorexia is her coping mechanism for the other stuff that's going on in her life and it's the only way she knows how to deal with things at the moment. I think she wants some normality in her life instead of talking about her problems so I try to encourage her to talk a bit but not too much because it can't always be doom and gloom and maybe she wouldn't be able to handle one more person saying "Did you eat yet? You haven't eaten. Go on. Eat something. Go on." . . . Maybe your friends/family feel similarly (as in they don't want to nag you or they feel you're not ready to talk about it)? . . . Also, if you have stopped hanging out with them, they probably don't realise how upset you are and maybe think you'd prefer not to talk about it. I have also felt sometimes, "how can they not tell how much I'm suffering?" or "they didn't call me, they don't care about me" and I would withdraw from people and not tell them what was really going on. If they don't know though, they can't help you. Once I started telling my friends, they were just shocked. They had suspicions but didn't realise how bad it was because I had gotten so good at pretending everything was fine. Maybe you could try and tell your closest friend how you're feeling? Or your boyfriend? He sounds really supportive.

    Also, you said, "I know im going to lose him eventually if I cant resolve what ever this is in my head but what if he asked me to make a choice?I can honestly say I couldn't choose." . . .but he hasn't asked you to choose, has he? Because he chose you already. smile And he's stayed with you all this time.  My longest relationship was 6 months and my other for 3. I guess I never told them how I was feeling but my first boyfriend actually used to make fun of me for being unfit. He knew I was self conscious about it but he did it a few times, even once when I had asked him not to, he did it again. That showed me he wasn't a support to me. It sounds like from what you've described that your boyfriend is quite supportive. Maybe you should try telling him how you feel first? And maybe even you could tell your doctor or try some therapy? 

    I know it's tough but hang on in there. People care about you. Otherwise they wouldn't be trying to meet up with you! :D 

     

  • melissa89834
    melissa89834 Bailey93

    Posted

    Hi how did you hospitalize yourself for low potassium? Iv got very low due to stomach probs n then it was missed because bloods were falsely elevated trying to get it back up but it's impossible
    • katlouise1989
      katlouise1989 melissa89834

      Posted

      Hi Melissa.

      Not sure what you're getting at here but potassium deficiency is a very serious thing.

      It is the result of vomiting and/or purging with dehydrates the body of key nutrients (electrolytes) such as potassium. These are essential to keep the heart going.

      Depletion of electrolyte stores puts you at a risk of heart failure.

      I was also hospitalised for this reason. It made me stop using laxatives.

    • melissa89834
      melissa89834 katlouise1989

      Posted

      Hi Kat just trying to reach out to anyone I can that has had problem with potassium...I'd love to hospitalise myself 4 it I just wondered did you go in yourself or how u done that coz iv had an awful ordeal...I had paralysis from low potassium n near heart attack n in hospital my reading was 3.3 which they didn't consider that low....but this is 4 me they gave me large 5 potassium pills which made me feel better but when supplement s stopped symptoms came back iv been suffering absolute torture from low potassium...the funny thing is they kept saying my k was gone back to normal but now that I look at hospital records it jumped up 10 points from 3.3 to 4.3 with only 5 supplement now this just isn't possible?? I had excessive thirst heart probs cramping so bad I had bruises on my legs severe weakness constipation n I wasn't believed put down to psychosomatic??? N I went around well lay in my brothers barely able to move ended up in hospital few times with bad palps n low b p near fainting it was horrendous yet potassium kept showing normal after I started drinking coco water all symptoms eased off so it was Defo potassium but no1 would believe me....I ended up ripping my stomach up further by antibiotics which set me right back..iv now 6 months later got a doc who understand s n believes me got supplement but can't get enough in one day to override deficiency I can't believe this has happened to me n how bad I got treated....iv read acidosis can falsely raise k so maybe this was it but bloods were Defo wrong n I'm struggling to see the light or how I'll get help....I can't do physical exercise coz heart is weak n iv soreness all over body cramps in legs n weakness n I'v been worse than this with it n iv just been left like this...did u get iv k ? How was it treated? If only my bloods had reflected true picture I'd be better months ago. I know that it takes a lot of potassium just to go up one point never mind ten. Something is wrong there I'm currently taking 9 slow k per day which is 5000mgs up to couple weeks ago my heart was palpatating every night n it was starting to get chest pain n body ached bad since iv upped dose that went but I'm so scared to upset stomach again as they are hard on it.

      Any advice greatly appreciate

      No1 understands this k n how serious it is feeling so alone n just wanna get better iv had infection in stomach too which was also missed but the low k is killing me n I'm house bound because of it since October

      Thanks

    • katlouise1989
      katlouise1989 melissa89834

      Posted

      Hi Melissa,

      Hospital is boring. You have no freedom. No life.

      I have one friend who is just about to be re-admitted probably for another 6 months, and another who is into her 7 month of what is now a renewed 6 month section. They have limited visiting opportunities, if they aren't making enough progress leave is cancelled and so on.

      You do not want to be in an inpatient unit.

      I ended up in A & E, because of my potassium. If you are in as much pain as you have described at the very least, make an appointment with your GP.

      Low potassium can be worked with by improving the diet. Bananas are a great source, but it's important to regain balance across your diet.

      Assuming you have an Eating disorder by being in this group, I would envisage that that will be contributing to the issue.

      Again, I understand, if recovery was easy then no-one would be struggling, but you have to want to do it.

    • melissa89834
      melissa89834 katlouise1989

      Posted

      I was in a and e too with potassium. Yes I will go back to gp soon. No I actually don't have eating disorder but a lot of stomach problems so ended up loosing so much weight n being very sick but I connect with some ppl on here as they've same issues.

      Thanks

    • katlouise1989
      katlouise1989 melissa89834

      Posted

      That sounds horrible. There may be other discussion groups that might be able to help you as well.

      I definitely recommend speaking with your GP and ensuring you get a follow up on this if you get no-where.

  • katlouise1989
    katlouise1989 Bailey93

    Posted

    I'm sorry to hear your struggles.

    I really feel for you having struggled with binge eating alongside my anorexia when I was 11 before it became extreme anorexia.

    I understand the pain of not seeing the weight shift and in my case (because I couldn't make myself sick) gaining and gaining.

    You say the bulimia is your control. If it was so in control why are you gaining weight?

    On my current meal plan (which is a weight gain one with my dietitian) I am eating foods which were banned for so long yet still finding I need to eat more because my metabolism has started working properly again. For the first time I (not my eating disorder) feel in control.

    Your eating disorder is running circles around you.

    You are not remotely in control. Look at everything you are missing out on.

    The bottom line is you cannot get better unless you want to. There is no magic pill. It is hard hard work but so worth it. I'm not recovered but am getting there and feel the best I have in over a decade. Behaviour change is the hardest to make so getting professional support is essential.

    You have to want it.

    I can provide loads of nutritional advice from my dietitic support (feel free to PM me) but unless you want to make changes it is wasted.

    Good luck.

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