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Suffered with aggressive Bulimia & Restricting & obsessive exercising for a year and a half now but suffered with episodes of bulimia since my first episode in year 6 in primary school which would have made me 10 or 11. I turned 20 in November.
August 2012 I weighed just over 16 stone, January 2014 - Current weight is 142 lbs/ 10.2 stone Ive lost 6 stone in a year.
Ive been with my current boyfriend for a year and 5 months, so met him basically at my heaviest and hes known about my ED since things first started getting nasty really; I love him more than anything and despite the fact that he hates that I do it, he has always supported me and never pushed me. Recently my mood swings have got worse and all I do is push him away, I never feel good enough, always feel ugly, or disgusting and can never see my place in the world and that place ever being happy. Hed never cheat on me but I constantly question him and if we row the first thing that comes into my head is " go find a nice skinny girl ". Its putting so much pressure on us now, We cant enjoy simple things like meals out because what's the point in him paying for a nice meal when ive got to the point where I cant even wait till im home and im alone to purge, instead opting for frequent toilet breaks instead. I know im hurting him, I know my family know but are too scared to confront me so instead be idiots and remove the lock on the bathroom door. Im really secretive about most things and my "friends" haven't got a lot of time for me because I never want to go out drinking or doing anything that involves calories or food and half the time that im with them I cant help talking about the gym or loosing weight but I don't mean to but Its like everything I used to enjoy has gone.
I don't really want to change because to me my bulimia is the power I never had...Its control in moments of weakness, its eating the same stuff that skinny people eat, enjoying it then not getting fat....getting compliments from the people that used to bully me. I know im going to loose him eventually if I cant resolve what ever this is in my head but what if he asked me to make a choice?I can honestly say I couldn't choose. Health warnings don't phase me, rather be teethless and skinny right? The only thing that bothers me from time to time is that I cant enjoy my favourite food (Indian) but that's probably a good thing anyway.
Ive put off work and gone back to study and to go uni yes to produce a good career but it means another 3 years of not having to be around people and share the same toilets too often. Hospitalised myself last year with sever potassium deficiency and vomiting blood & cant remember a single day in the last year where I wasn't sick.
I need to know that there is a way back from this, I need to know that there are people that have been as deep as me and have got better when getting better has been the last thing that you want to do. Thanks in advance.
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