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Gemtail Gemtail 2

How Do I Deal With My Boyfriend With Aspergers?

I don't have anything wrong with me on the autistic spectrum. However, as the title says, my boyfriend does. Now, I also have anxiety and depression (recently diagnosed and I just started medication) so some of his antics have been grating on me. We are both freshmen in college and our first breakup scare did traumatize me in a way. He was unsure of our relationship at the time. And I guess I have been more obsessive about him than I'd like to admit and I think it was because he was like some sort of narcotic for my current issue and so I spent more time with him because I felt so happy with him around. So while I was still in this infatuation state, I for the most part tolerated a lot of his antics but at the time, everything he did was okay, even his playful insults. I was in that state where everything about him was purely wonderful. After our first break up scare, he basically consumed my mind for a month because I clung to him even more to the point of where I wasn't even able to function because all I would think about was him because of my awful anxiety. I didn't even stop to think about having me time a lot and my homework ended up getting neglected. However, with he and I being human, getting sick of him was inevitable: the playful insults, repetative jokes, his tendency to take over every conversation, forcing his ideas (and not always considering mine), egotistic remarks, and his obsession over superheroes, warframe, spongebob, and other things got to me. It's just a miracle that it took five months for me to actually get sick of it but I guess five-six months together means that we're still new. I'm panicking over my confused feelings of loving him but also getting irritated with him at the same time, which I'm told is a normal stage in a relationship. However, I'm currently working on fixing myself while putting my relationship on the back burner but my old habits do tend to interrupt me. Oh geez, I'm rambling. I might as well get to the point: I've come here for advice. I desperately don't want to break up with him but at the same time, I know that if I can't be happy with him, then there's no point in polishing crap. However, I do love him, it's just gotten hard and there are sometimes where the strain of having a relationship makes me feel that I can't do this anymore and some of his antics don't help. But I still hold on because while I may no longer be in that dreamy state, I still care for him too much to let him go. So I feel that since the majority of you guys probably know how to deal with aspergers better than I do, some advice would be much appreciated. I know one thing though: I probably need space and time to work on homework and myself more than anything at the moment. Basically: I need to pick myself up again. I'm also nervous that he might have gotten too used to me being so willing and may not entirely understand this change in me when I actually don't want to do or talk about some of the things we used to do together because they now sicken me. He got out of the infatuation stage sooner than I did. He's a nice guy, very loving, will talk to me about anything, and I couldn't have asked for anything better in a boyfriend but it's sometimes hard. Please help. I really want us to work out through the better or worst. I have talked to him about this but all he really said was 'let love do the talking' and 'I won't force you to stay with me if you're not happy and you shouldn't force yourself either'. But I do love him and everything, I'm just going through a new stage in our relationship where I realized that I won't always be completely happy with him. We're both in our first relationship though and we're still figuring things out but I believe it's worth a fighting chance and as much effort as any relationship should be. I'm NOT going to break up with him just because of confusion and the fact that I got sick of him for the first time. He's worth more than that... Yet, I also need to fix myself before I fix this. Note: don't worry, he's fine. He doesn't have any resentment or anger towards me. He's been very good and understanding and supportive about the whole thing. He's been very good and will still take me in his arms for comfort. I think he'll still be understanding but I'm just... scared. But, I hold onto the fact that he still loves me. Again, I'm asking for advice about him. I already know what I need to do for myself but I never tried understanding his disorder until now. So, let me have it: tell me what I need to know so I can better this relationship. It'll make things easier for both of us I'm sure.

15 Replies

  • hope4cure hope4cure Gemtail

    My family has this gene. I think you answerd your own question. Give it time  Learning the how's and whys as well and incentives to recover also maturity on all levels is important. 

    This is not easy, sometimes it takes behavior modification therapy for you both .  Perhaps weekly  counseling may be considered for you both.

     

  • SMDMEH SMDMEH Gemtail

    My boyfriend also has been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. He has had it since he was a kid. It wasn't really much of a problem when he was in elementary school, but then he went to middle school. He started to show several more symptoms the older he became, and then especially in high school. This was when I met him, and he was down, and everyone could tell. I wanted to be his friend. I had a computer class with him, and he had a lot of trouble with it, so I would help him everyday. Eventually, he became really good at programming, so he would help me instead. When he would explain something to me, though, he wouldn't really look at me, it's like he would look anywhere else. I noticed immediately that something was up. I didn't actually know at the time that he had a condition that made him like this, so, being a typical teenage girl, I thought maybe he didn't want to be my friend. We actually became really close fast, and after this time came the time when he told me he had Asperger's. After this, I became his girlfriend. We would go on dates, and he would be weird, like he wouldn't eat and he would get really quiet. I called him out on this, because I was totally unaware. After that, came obsessions, which were also a part of his OCD, but mainly Asperger's. I overstepped, and told him to consider my feelings, and to think about me. We actually broke up for a while, until he told me he didn't want to be apart from me. So, in reality, he liked me more than he actually let on. My advice to you, even though it is terrible advice, is that you should get to know him first, and then let him know you won't judge him or make fun of him. You are right about space and time, though. Think about you, and make him think about you. It is two of you in a relationship, not just him. After that, if it doesn't work out, you have to realize it's for the better, but have to make him realize that you want to be his friend. Becasue, truthfully, people who have Asperger's are worht getting to know, and have vivid personalities.

    Good luck!

  • hanji97808 hanji97808 Gemtail

    Oh my goodness! Sorry I can't give you advice on this, but I had to comment, what you described is my relationship. My boyfriend is an Aspi, also obsessed with warframe, which has been driving me mad, I have anxiety and depression, and am too attached to him perhapse, and not only that he has said this exact line to me: "I won't force you to stay with me if you're not happy and you shouldn't force yourself either", despite saying he still loves me. I have never related more to anything in my whole life and I'm so glad I found your post. Sorry I can't help you but I felt the need to comment.

  • Nicwinn35 Nicwinn35 Gemtail

    Hi, I have a 13 yr. old son with Autistic Spectrum Disorder or better even Aspergers Syndrome. He's super high functioning and really cool. The thing is I knew my husband had something up with him but I wasent sure what until I spent years figuring out what was going on with my son. And actually my son has more compassion than my husband. I'm not going to lie to you!!! It's really really hard, I met my husband when I was 17 and he was 21 and I was madly in love or infatuated with him but he often broke my heart without really seeming to appear hurt himself in the process. We did split up for 6 months 7 yrs. in and his friends would say he's not the same without me but then I'd hear different. We've been together for 25 yrs. and I'm 42 now. He's not loving really, he will make sexual comments but never say I look beautiful. He's quick to anger and insult. He does say he loves me every day but I often wonder what it would be like to be with someone who actually has the time to care how and what your thinking and feeling. They are all different in their own way, but they are all kind of narcissistic. I also has anxiety, depression. I'm not sure how my life would be different with a different support in my life. I'm sorry to come off negitive. I love my husband and son, but by no means has my life been easy. I haven't given up in 25 yrs. my husband is faithful since we got married, he doesn't hit me. The verbal abuse needs work. If you ever need someone to talk to or ask me anything at all let me know you have a personal question and I'll give you another way to get ahold of me. Good luck and if it's real love then work at it. 

  • beckalerka beckalerka Gemtail

    OK, I so feel your pain.  

    It is very easy to fall in love with a man who has aspergers.  I know. I did and I am.  Meanwhile, your story resonates with me.  

    You seem like a nurturer.  So am I.  I was thrilled to be with my ex aspie when all of this began. 

    If only I'd had a clue about any of it.

    I spend 1 and a half plus years trying to change him and myself, because I truly loved him.

    There is something about Aspies. They can be very alluring, because they are straight up and innocent and just needy.

    Meanwhile, I just became more and more depressed and tired.  

    This one thing-you won't change him.  Don't take it personally and put yourself first for once.

  • raych32 raych32 Gemtail

    Hi. I just Found this thread. I hope you guys are still together. My boyfriend has aspergers, and it is a struggle almost daily. He can be amazing, but he also melts down easy. He proposedid to me on the 1st of the year. I can tell that how his parents talk to him and treat him, isn't helping. 2 years ago he tried to tell his dad that he wanted to marry me, but his dad told him that I would leave him when I found out about the aspergers. He has developed this habit that I'm not a fan of and I am looking for advice on how to react so he will stop. He says "you're a bitch, you're a bitch, you're a bitch bitch bitch" then he asks if I like it. I always tell him I dont, but it doesn't seem to help.

    • shaza02116 shaza02116 raych32

      Hello and I am sorry I could not get back to you sooner. Yes, we are back together again but since this post we have had another break-up. Ive come to learn that his not really breaking up with me but when his bothered or upset he has to seperate himself from me. Problem is if we continue on this road I am not sure how strong the "trust" factor is going to be?

    • Red Rose Red Rose raych32

      raych32, my b/f is also an aspire (undiagnosed) and at times, infuriates me (but then I'm no Saint either lol), I get the (playful) insults that, at times, wear a bit thin or grate sorely at times. I have learned to give as good as I get, so I'd reply in a mocking fashion "you're a tw*t, you're a tw*t, you're a tw*t, tw*t, tw*t!!". May seem harsh to some, but look on it as communicating in a manner that they feel comfortable with and relate to. Hope this helps, no offence meant at all, trying to give you the 'tools' to cope with your Aspire.

  • shaza02116 shaza02116 Gemtail

    So, I can relate to most of the posts. My boyfriend of 6 weeks is not aware of the fact that he may have a mild form of either Asperger’s or Autism. He has all the symptoms posted here and in other articles. I have a son with Special needs and he does not have Autism but I started seeing the signs 3 weeks into dating him but ignored them. It’s only with our recent break that I decided to look it up. We have been dating for 6 weeks and in that time we have had 3 disagreements and twice now we have broken up. The first time we made up but the second time around (which is now) he asked me if we could place a hold on our relationship to give him time to overcome how I hurt him. The problem is I have no idea what I said or did to make him hurt. I have no desire to hurt him emotionally or otherwise but for some or other reason I keep doing it. I have tried to communicate with him to find out what it is that is causing him pain. I am in love with him and he has told me that he loved me from the day he met me. I am a nurturer and I am more than happy to take this on but if he cannot communicate with me then I am not sure I can remain on this emotional roller coaster. Each time we have broken up has been HELL for me and I am in HELL right now. Monday he told that this was too much and his calling it quits and said goodbye to me. Tuesday I had an emergency issue and texted him and told him I needed him and he called me immediately and pretty much spent the day making sure I was ok.  At the end of the day I asked him what about us and he said you know after what you said and the way you hurt me I was not planning on ever talking to you again and you know I love you but I need time to get over this, let’s place out relationship on hold for a few weeks and then see what happens. He encouraged me that he knows it will be hard for me but that I could do it. That was the last time I spoke to him. Out of respect for him I have not called or texted he and he have not reached out to me either. Once again I have no idea what it is that I am doing that is causing him pain and I wish I could find a way to have him explain it to me. He keeps telling me that he has already told me several times and I keep doing it and he finds that disrespectful. I have no desire to hurt him and if I am hurting him unintentionally then I would rather move on that hurt him again.

    • shaza02116 shaza02116 ally83324

      Hi Ally and thanks for your question. Let me give you an example of our recent break-up. Yes, theres been another. Here is the example. We had made dinner plans but I work Saturdays so we could only meet that evening. Later that day he texted me and said he could not make it because a friend needed his help. I was a little upset becuase this is the 4th time in 2 weeks his cancelling our plans for something else. My words to him was "fine" and his reaction to me was, be that way, I am breaking up with you and blocking your number. Two days later he calls me back and all is well in his world. His explanation is that his not breaking up with me just his way of seperating and needing time when he gets upset and the word "fine" bothered him.

    • jonathan36425 jonathan36425 shaza02116

      Hi, I was reading all these replies and the original post and I can honestly say, I am so fascinated! I have been diagnosed with ADHD but I have never really affected others with how I am as I have always lived alone independently since the age of 14. I haven't had a good up bringing as was chucked out of my house when I was just 8 years old for a night and then fully chucked out at the age of 14 for good where I began to live in a tent in a field the went sofa surfing to staying in hostels. I was abused by my dad as he had anger issues etc so it made Hingis very difficult for me to communicate with them both I still feel guilty as whilst I was in their care I had fictsations on games and tech where I stay in my room and never come out but only to have a drink and eat but I'd only prepare the food and drink and then bring up to my room to consume I ended up getting so bad hat I ended up selling other family members stuff to feed my ficsation as i felt that I needed to play and buy more and more problem was was that my parents didn't show any interest in me at school or at home not attended any school events or parents evening this is why I was never diagnosed also the schools I attended didn't help at all in the effort to diagnose me as in high school teachers tend to not like me either and I was always spending break times alone sat on a floor waiting until bell rings to go home I often didn't go lessons due to how the lessons were structured as I have attention span issues and difficulty in communicating as someone could be shouting my name and I wouldn't respond much which lead to me being bullied I am now 22. I have never been able to hold a job down long for multiple reasons. I am far too hyper and people mistake me for being just an immature man I have never coped well to sudden changes in life or in schedule so interns of employment it is very hard not to mention the lack of interest and enthusiasm and anger I have I 100% believe personally that I am on the autism spectrum as I have never really had friends and have always felt like I don't belong in this world and have always struggled to just go and talk to new people and make friends especially with my normal face expression that I have I have never made any contact with females at all through my teenage and child years as I thought I was different from the rest and became much more shy and hostile as I grew up I also have always had down days now I say down days lightly as I'd rather not go into detail on that subject as it's quite emotional and would be to those whom are reading this I had my first relationship at 20 and that lasted 4 months as she couldn't handle me she didn't know about what I have as I didn't truth be told she said she was to tired to be a mum to me as that's what it felt like for her as I was too needy and I never could recognise when she had enough or her feelings and what she wanted at the time I was so confused anyways a while after I met someone special now I used to talk to this girl for 4 years on blackberry messenger but never met her we had a connection like a strong one where we'd talk about literally anything but sadly she ended up getting with some moron as like always my communication skills got the best of me yet again and I didn't dare tell her how I felt we met though just before she got Witt someone I gues she wanted to see if I fancied her before she made a decision as tbh we were kids so things were straight and easy aha anyways yh we met I acted like a friend and nothing more and was quite ermmm fridged or shy should I say? When she tried hugging me I can't control it! In my head I want to kiss her but I brain overpowers me... kinda confusing and hard to describe I just can't resist anyways they got married! After 2 years and I kinda was happy for them but he stopped her speaking to me as he demanded her to stop speaking to me anyways few years down the line I was 21 and like I said I had just met my first yeah yeah bladeblag things became evidently clear that we weren't good together so things ended and after a while she added me on Facebook! You know? The girl I spoken to for 4 years :D well long story short she has autism and a few other things then everything became clear about how she was like how she got married in 2 years of being with a complete stranger and how we got on so well and when we met i was actually talking to her fluently! But like always I ended up talking to her for a whole 3 hours none stop I have Thetis thing where I don't actually realise that they aren't interested sad anyway we have grown so strong we have now been together for 8 months and are excoecting a girl soon! She understands me and her family love me she has a brother with autism and a wide range of other things and he doesn't talk but now we are great friends and we talk about games and tech for hours she's beautiful inside and out and we live together as we thought seen as though we have done the most stressful thing by getting pregnant we may as well move in as seems perfectly normal to under the circumstances also we both feel like we need someone close to ag all times like if I'm alone I don't respond well to it I have to be Witt someone and also she has helped me come to terms with this disorder as at first she bought I had ADHD like her other brother has and her youngest brother has autism so she's quite educated in disabilities she says it's very easy to mistake ADHD with autism by she has both! And she believes I do too! We both now understand each other a lot and love to be around each other and img as I read these replies I relate to it all! If any of you have any advice or questions about your boyfriends with autism I'll be glad to help just let me know I am going to a local gp tomorrow to get referred to a specialist I am writing this as I can't sleep and I can hear the birds tweeting I had a conversation last night with my partner and have only now realised I actually have autism my mind is doing overlaps and I can't sleep at all I don't work as very stressful in our household as you can imagine there's arguing and she's pregnant so I need to be the one who calms down first anyways I too say "if you want to split up then we can I ain't arsed about it" when really I totally am! It's just my way I guessed to take a step back for a hour you see she can't sleep without me in the same bed as she will have nightmares and get very stressed out so if I can't sleep I have to stay in bed on my phone or she will wake up and shot for me and if I don't respond which I'm quite poor at then she'd get worried and over think things I feel low right now as I feel like my life has been one big lie as I spent years trying to figure out why I respond this way to things and how I am so different to those in my school and why I couldn't make friends with anyone and why I had more down days than good days it's not just finding a name for yh this it's like my own missing identity tbh as once a label has been out on me I can then assess and reflect on my life and make sense of it all and that will make me better as a person I need tablets as I ain't copping well I'm getting worse now I am older and with a baby on the way I need to sort this fast

    • jonathan36425 jonathan36425

      I can also draw in great pictures and I have been told I am excellent in music and I have a massive obsession with gaming and repeating the same sounds and phrases that are personal between me and my partner and my partners family I do motor bike noises every day like everyday never missed a day also never missed a day repeating the same phrases and I have always been super hyper since I can remember also I can Cook but always always burn toast etc unless I stay in kitchen and wait for it if not the basically it's burnt I get down very easy and also I can not handle money situations at all like if I get a bill for a phone contract or a council tax bill etc I worry and can not sleep at all as if I can't pay it and I act as bough it's a 10,000 bill I'm taking tablets for ADHD but they don't work at all but it's 5am and haven't slept at all for two days since finding out I have autism

  • alex123x alex123x Gemtail

    I hope you understand what I'm saying hun,

    You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else.

    I learnt this the hard way but it is a true lesson to be learnt. I also suffer from depression so I know what it's like. You need to find out what is wrong, what is bringing you down and focus on that. Focus on yourself and only then, when you are ready can you focus on your boyfriend. You do clearly care for him deeply and by seeking this sort of information you are doing everything you can to make this relationship work. smile

    Once your feeling ok then you can think about your boyfriend. In terms of his habits and focused additions. They form part of his asperges and you have to decide if you can tollerate them. If not then you know what to do but if you show interest and have interest then he would appreiacet that. Obviously it should work both ways, ideallyt.

     

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