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I may come across as an over protective mum but I just feel I need to get this out there. My 16 year old daughter started college last september and became involved with a lad who was very open about the fact that he had bipolar.They started going out and all was well for a time; he sent some lovely texts and was very affectionate and then without warning dumped her saying it wasn't working. That wasn't the end though as the very next morning he bombarded her with texts about how he wanted her but couldn't have her and this continued all weekend. The short story is they got back together, she suggested as a friend if that made it easier but he was adamant that he could handle it.All was well for a short time and then she noticed his erratic mood swings and how he would often be quite hurtful in what he said to her. She's read up on bp and he was flattered- his words-that she cared enough to do this and was pleased about it.It was all very intense, as bp relationships seem to be , and at around two months he told her he was falling in love with her.This was a bit scary- she is only 16 in her first relationship remember- and couldn't say it back. This set off a bit of a storm and he dumped her again.The same thing happened, a barrage of texts about how much he wanted her etc. seeming to forget he was the one who had finished things.There was a bit of a break until he asked her to give him another chance, he was truly sorry, knew he had treated her really appallingly-his words again-but he was scared of his feelings as he had never felt this way and so quickly before[he's 18 now].By this time my daughter had fallen for him quite badly and like so many others didn't want to be another person to walk out on him. She wasn't trying to change or save him but genuinely cared enough about him to want to support him.He then asked her out again and she agreed to give it one more go.I had concerns but felt my daughter was mature enough to make her own deciion on this and I would be there to support her. This turned out to be a huge mistake. He constantly blew hot and cold, sometimes being loving sometimes totally ignoring her and putting her down in front of others, accusing her of flirting with another lad on the course,she wasn't, getting jealous for no reason,criticising her to the point it was actually verbally abusive .Even when we had a bereavement his response to her was "f*** you" rather than offering any comfort.He then finished with her a final time sending her a very obscure text about how people think they know but dont and thats why it'll never work.He then continued to behave as though they were together, trying to hold her hand etc. again seeming to forget he'd finished things. She was so confused. Since then she's had the usual texts of how he wants her, he can't stop thinking of her etc.He stopped his anti depressants as he said they were making him worse and as for other medication she doesn't know. The time she broached it with him he got angry and said his bp wasn't that noticeable and he had it under control but she can see he hasn't because his behaviour is so up and down. This was the final warning light really;if he can't see he needs help there's nothing she or anyone else can do and so she's having to let go.This isn't easy not least because of all the horrible things he's said to her.Even despite all this she still cares for him and it would be easier she said if she hated him but she doesn't. Her confidence and self esteem is in tatters and I don't know how to help her pick up from this.Avoiding him is not an option ,they are on the same course and in a small group. What I want to know is ,is this bp or is it bp with an overlap of personality disorder?[not that it helps my daughter if it is]He's accused her of things he's guilty of himself- projected his own faults onto her and others, he lies , exaggerates things to make himself the constant centre of attention, says hurtful things that are really abusive, has no regard for the feelings of others yet expects everyone to be there for him all the time.My daughter just needs something to make sense of it all and to be able to believe that she's not this dreadful person he's told her she is.
As a final thing , it now seems he has found someone else which is good as the begging texts have stopped. I can't help feeling sorry for this new girl as I can't imagine things will change with him. My daughter was the longest he went out with someone ,his other relationships didn't last longer than a month and although I'm upset and angry he treated her like this , I know he can't help it and wonder if the lad will ever be able to have a happy relationship. It's sad for all concerned and I feel for anyone involved in a relationship with someone with bp as you really have to put your self aside and focus on that person. My daughter was way too young for this intensity and I'm heartbroken that her first romance has left such a negative impact on her.
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