How do I tell my ex I have herpes type 1?

Posted , 3 users are following.

Hi there, so I am on here because I need some really good advice. I have talked to my best friend and my cousin about this situation. Two of the people that I trust the most, anyways. I was dating this guy for about 3 months and we broke up because he was working 16 hour shifts and I barely got to see him and he felt bad to be wasting my time and because people would talk about our age difference which really bugged him and in some way it bugged me. Although I really do love him a ton and he would say he did  too. He was in at my job a couple weeks ago and texted me afterwards and in that msg he said that he missed me, wish I was still with him but what to do right. can't force anyone. He didn't feel comfortable.  The whole point is that after we broke up I got my results, that came back positive for herpes type one. Now I don't now how to reveal to him that I have this without feeling embarrassed, I don't know if he was the one who gave it to me or if I've had it before. I say that because in some situations many people don't know that they carry it mostly because there is no symptoms. This was my first outbreak and that's how I decided to go to the clinic and get checked.  We ended things in good terms and I actually texted him today had a good convo. I just haven't replied back to his last text because I don't know how to lead it to asking him out to talk in person so that I can discuss about this with him. My cousin says that it's none of my business anymore and that I shouldn't because we don't know if I was the one who had it or him. And why even bother though My bff says that it's the right thing to do and I agree with her because if I was in his shoes I'd like to know. I'm just not sure how to tell him.  Please help I would really appreciate it. If it helps I'm 20 and he is 34, please don't judge our age difference I've gotten enough of that already. 

0 likes, 5 replies

5 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi 57531,

    I'm really sorry to hear that, it sucks to have a disease that cannot be cured but like most of us in this forum you will get over it and it shouldn't affect who you are and your life.

    You don't have to feel bad or that we(in this forum) will judge you about going out with someone older than you. That is entirely your business.

    Reading your post, I think you are making the right decision. He has to know in case he doesn't already. At this stage it isn't important from whom and how you contracted the disease, the fact is you have it and unfortunately there isn't nothing to do about it but act responsibly and tell him as well as future partners. As you have most likely read most people have it without knowing and it will not be responsable for your ex to pass it on unknowingly while you know he might have it. It's also possible he doesn't have it as exposure is high during break outs and if you didn't have any when you were together it's possible he doesn't have it. It's not 100% though, just a possibility.

    That said there isn't an easy way of breaking this kind of news to someone. Since you are no longer together to find an appropriate time, you will just have to tell him there is something you want to tell him and I think he'll make out time to see you. Then without sounding panicked or freaked out tell him you got some tests carried out and give him the outcome of your results. Depending on what he says, assure him it's very common and most people who have it don't even know they do and except during break outs it doesn't affect your life. Prompt him to get tested just to make sure. You can ask him to read about it online. You can also tell him ou don't know how you got the disease in case he's thinking you got it from someone.

    Good luck smile

    • Posted

      Thank you so much for the advice, I have done the right thing and broke the news to him in person as hard as it was to do so but things went great. He's not mad and doesn't regret anything that happened between me and him. He's going to go tested and will let me know what the results are.  We are still friends as he said and still cares about me like I do about him. It has really helped me to create this account and get advice from others on here. I can finally live at peace knowing that he knows and can be more careful later on. I appreciate your advice so much, thank you. smile
    • Posted

      Hi 57531, I am really happy that things went well with your ex. He seems like a matured, good guy and he craes for you.

      Now just go on and live your life and you will meet another amazing guy smile

    • Posted

      Hi sunshine4460, Thank you for all the support I really appreciate it. Hopefully one day I'll find that someone who will accept me with it. He got tested and showed me his results which came out negative for Hsv 1 & 2. So he asked me if I was sure that I had hsv1 because it's the one that about 90% of the people have. Well, when I told him I wasn't very specific with him on which one I had. At that moment I really didn't think it was important to tell him. We were texting and I told him that yes I have hsv1, so he said well there's nothing to worry about then. Though, I said yeah the people that have hsv1 in their genitals have one or two outbreaks a year and never responded back. Now I just feel even worse because I feel like he in someway rejected me just for not replying back. But I know I shouldn't feel that way. Also, just to clarify it is possible to have hsv1 in your genitals correct? Because when my doctor told me she said I had hsv1 but from my research that is only cold sores, but I haven't had a cold sore only an outbreak in my genitals. 
    • Posted

      Hi 57531,

      You are welcomed and I'm certain of it, you will find someone. Of course it depends if the person loves you enough to shrug it off but it also depends on your attitude towards it. Don't make it a big deal.

      I'm glad for you and him that he tested negative. From what I read, the immune system contributes to a person's exposure to the virus. Maybe he has a good immune system. Also the risk of transmission is high during an outbreak, so if you weren't intimate during an outbreak then there is a low risk for him to have been contaminated.

      I'm not an expert but from my researches, it's possible to have both HSV1 and HSV2 on the genitals as well as both types on the lips. But HSV1 is more common on the lips and HSV2 on the genitals. And as you pointed out the number of outbreaks for HSV1 are lesser than those for HSV2. I was contaminated in June and I haven't had any other outbreak since my initial outbreak and mine is oral herpes.

      No you definitely shouldn't let his attitude get to you. I don't know how his schedule is but maybe he had some valid reason for not responding considering that he tested negative. I'd just advice you to try not to pay too much attention to that cause it will only make you sad and stressed (and you really want to avoid stress as it is a trigger for outbreaks). I know you are still getting to terms with having herpes but you will need to arm yourself against possible rejection for the future. You will of course meet guys, some will walk away when you tell them and others wouldn't. For the former just tell yourself they are not worthy of you and you are well off without them smile

      Don't hesitate if you have some concerns or just need to vent off, I'm here for that smile

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