1. Community
  2. Infections
  3. Genital Herpes Simplex

How do i tell my new partner that I have herpes?

Posted , 4 users are following.

megan25563
megan25563

I found out a had herpes about 2 and a half years ago and I haven't dated much since then. I recently started seeing someone and we have had a sexual relationship from the get-go.  Please don't judge, it's just kind of happened. Of course I made sure that he wear protection but I haven't told him about my condition.  I have never gotten physical so fast with someone before and it all started with us drinking way too much and having fun. He asked me about STDs the day after we met and I told him I was clean. I feel so guilty but the sex happened way to fast and I feel that it is too soon for me to tell him. I am really starting to like him and I can see this going somewhere but it's only been a month. When is the right time to tell him and what do I say? I'm scared that I'm just going to scare him off and that is something I have dreaded since I found out I had herpes. Please help!

0 likes, 6 replies

6 Replies

  • nelly123
    nelly123 megan25563

    Posted

    I'm not going to judge, but dont relationships start with trust? There is going to be no easy way of telling him especially know you have flat out lied to him about being clean. Out of respect for yourself and him, you need to come clean to him about your herpes before becoming sexual with him again..... After all this ain't something u can get rid of, he will have to live with it for the rest of his life. Don't be selfish an just tell him, hey he might be undertanding about it an for ur sake I hope he is 
    • megan25563
      megan25563 nelly123

      Posted

      Yes you are very right about relationships being built off trust. I am a very open person but this one thing I just don't go talking to people about. Their are only a few people that know i have this. One in which is the person who gave it two me and the only other person I have had sex which while with herpes.  Trust is a very big thing to me and I am not a trusting person. For me I feel like I have to have enough trust in Him to even share this. He know a lot of the same people and hangout at a lot of the same places. I have to trust him enough to know that if he were to freak out and not want to talk to me anymore that he's not going to tell other people about it. I know i need to tell him and it eats me up for living about it but geese I didn't expect to have that conversation right away. 
    • nelly123
      nelly123 megan25563

      Posted

      Yea I understand trust but you can't go on sleeping with him without being honest, he's not going to trust you after that even if you think u have built trust with him. Oh hey we've been sleeping together but hey I have herpes.....it's not going to end well. Hey if use can build a relationship without being intamite, no worries but till you have built up the trust, just don't go sleeping with him cos it's wrong 
  • r35506
    r35506 megan25563

    Posted

    Hi Megan, 

    I've been having this discussion with someone else on here about how to tell a new partner without freaking them out. I'm not gonna lie, even after diagnosis, I'd still be freaked out if someone told me they had 'herpes'. It's a terrible word with so much stigma attached even though the virus isn't even a big deal. 

    So through discussion on here, we thought about renaming it the ' cold sore virus ' which is true. That is exactly what herpes is. But it takes away that kind of shudder effect that makes people go ew. 

    Tell this person you've been thinking about something that you want to tell them. Tell themYou are prone to cold sores. Tell them you saw an advert on TV for cold sore cream or something that reminded you of your outbreaks because you havnt had one in a while and just didn't think about it. Ask them if they know the risk? Do they know that if you are prone to cold sores it can be passed through the mucous membranes to someone else? There is a chance he can catch it. However if you use condoms you have less chance of catching a cold sore than you do of getting pregnant and using condoms.

    If you need some figures :

     60-80% of people have some kind of cold sore virus. 1 in 4 have genital herp. 

    There's a good chance he already gets cold sores too since virtually everyone has this pain in the bum virus. 

    Good luck. Let us know how you get on. 

    • megan25563
      megan25563 r35506

      Posted

      Thank you so much for your advice r35506.  The word herpes always seems to freak people out and yes the reality is that it really isn't that bad. I do t even think about that fact that I have it except for now that I am having sex with someone. I take medication so I don't ever get outbreaks and the risk of transmitting if to someone else is quite low especially since using condoms. I have had type one herpes since I was very young. I had chickenpox as a kid and I believe that's how I got it or from my dad who has type one. My mom and sister and I few of my friends have type one herpes and I know a hand full of people with genital herpes. Anyways I told him that I have type one and that it was no big deal because it's not

       I don't even remember the last time I had a cold sore on my mouth. He acted a little uncomfortable just it that. Asking how long I've had it and where I got it and when was the last time I had one. Just from his reaction to that I felt like I need to give it more time before telling him I have type 2 as well. I really like this guy and I think that if I were to tell him right now it would scare him off. Is it really gone hurt to wait until the right timing? I know one girl who has herpes and she didn't tell her man until they fell in love that she has it. They were having sex before she told him at that point he didn't care. I almost know i woman who didn't find out until she was pregnant with her daughter that her partner had herpes. They were together for 3 years before found out and obviously having unprotected sex. She doesn't have it. 

  • sunshine44960
    sunshine44960 megan25563

    Posted

    Hi megan,

    As Nelly123 pointed out it wasn't a good idea to tell him you are clean when that isn't the case. I think it's sort of important to this guy your sexual health since he asked precisely that question. My advice to you is not to linger and tell him asap. The longer you put it off, the higher the possibility that he may think you "tricked" him.

    It's a 50-50 chance here that he might walk away but then he may be open minded and not make a big deal out of it. There isn't really a "right time" to tell someone you have herpes. Your attitude when telling him will maybe play a part in his deciding what to do. It's a serious discussion but don't look panicked else he'll pick up on that and fear the worse. You can talk about the symptoms and how often you have outbreaks and that you intend to protect him from contracting it. Then let him know it doesn't affect your life in anyway and he shouldn't be worried about it. You can look up some information on the net that isn't outright freaking and present it to him while pointing out that there is a high percentage of people who have it and some don't even know they do.

    I hope all works out well. I like to believe that if someone truely loves you, they will see pass this. There are far worser illnesses out there and they don't freak out people and there is no reason for herpes to just because it's sexually related.

    Good luck

Back to top

Report or request deletion

Thanks for your help!

We want the community to be a useful resource for our users but it is important to remember that the community are not moderated or reviewed by doctors and so you should not rely on opinions or advice given by other users in respect of any healthcare matters. Always speak to your doctor before acting and in cases of emergency seek appropriate medical assistance immediately. Use of the community is subject to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and steps will be taken to remove posts identified as being in breach of those terms.