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How do we get through this?

Posted , 4 users are following.

jojo1234
jojo1234

I really need some advice.

I was diagnosed with complex PTSD a long time ago after suffering a rape at the age of 23. I aborted the baby that was conceived due to the rape and never forgave myself. I turned to drugs and alcohol. My best friend commited suicide and I found him. I moved 200 miles away to get away from the pain that I felt. The nightmares and sleep walking were awful.

I met someone and trusted him. I was told I couldnt have any more children but I got pregnant again. My cervix was weak and I was told I wouldn't get through the pregnancy. I had her 10 weeks early and she was and is severely disabled. My life then changed because I had to focus on her. My dad died not long after she was born and the grief destroyed me. I work from home and am on medication but I cry all day. I don't know where to turn. I've had counselling and CBT but it didn't work for me.

I'm at the point now in my life where I know I'm losing the will to live. Yes, I'm lucky to have a child and a supportive husband but I keep having suicidal thoughts. Where do we go and what do we do when we are at the end of the road???

Any replies would be appreciated. I'm self-medicating with alcohol. I cry all day. I can't leave the house. My life is a mess.

0 likes, 8 replies

8 Replies

  • Misssy2
    Misssy2 jojo1234

    Posted

    OMG..no one knows what to say I think.

    This is a horrible life.

    I am an alcoholic.....I had many tragedies in my life...rape, violent relationship...kids with problems...addictions....jails...car accidents...diagnosed with severe complex PTSD as well.

    I turned to alcohol again after being sober for 8 years....I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

    I promise you...IF you can get yourself to a hospital to detox from alcohol....your life and MOODS will get better.  I am finally sober again and HAPPY that I am JUST SOBER.....None of my past tragedies impact my DAILY life like they did when I dwelled on it for the past 2 years drinking...and I quit a good job because i was Majorily BEATEN and DEPRESSED.

    I'm only a month sober....but I decided to live...and fight that bottles or bottles....You will have to become sick of being sick you sound like your almost there....

    You are probably dehydrated...and need medical attention....Your child needs you...a disabled child was given to you for a reason....and that child needs you.....I hope that you can find your way back.  You have NO IDEA in the condition that you are in...that life CAN FEEL better ...I didn't believe it...

    But, right now I am just grateful to be able to take a fresh, clean shower.  I am still majorily depressed..but when I entered the hospital they told me I was 24-48 hours away from dying...I would just drink...no food...no showers...no additional fluids.

    I understand EXACTLY how you feel...

    • jojo1234
      jojo1234 Misssy2

      Posted

      Hi Misssy

      Thanks for your reply. It's good to know that someone understands.

      For the last week I have tapered off the alcohol and am feeling more myself. My doctor changed my medication and it's starting to help me sleep.

      I do eat, drink fluids. I have a 'normal' life when my daughter and husband are around. I still clean the house, work from home, cook dinner every day. The major problem for me is the agrophobia. If I know I have to leave the house for something I can worry about it to the point of a panic attack.

      I started doing the school run last week and found it quite easy if I left the house really early before the rush of people who always walk up to the school. I live in a village so everyone knows everyone.

      I'm starting counselling in two weeks time (again) and am going to really give it a go this time.

      Well done to you for getting sober. You've had a really tough life. I don't think any person without mental health issues can even imagine what it feels like. My husband is supportive of me but he does say that he can't understand it and doesn't know what to do. It's time for me to try to take control again!

      Good luck with your sober journey. Keep in touch and let me know how you're doing x

  • Misssy2
    Misssy2 jojo1234

    Posted

    I have the agrophobia as well.  I think we did that to ourselves out of habit from the drinking and isolating.  AND trust me the therapy people KNOW that we have done it to ourselves...BUT, it doesn't make it NOT real.

    I was reading on the topic and what it says we have to do is FACE these situations so our bodies know again how NOT to go into panic when in certain situations.

    Even sober..I find it more comfortable sitting on the couch watching TV or using computer...purley another habit I have become accustomed to in the last year of drinking.

    So like me..its a habit...start small...face little things one step at a time...the articles say our brains will learn again how not to go into panic...and we will re-adjust.  Its been slow for me...but I am finding myself again.  I know what it is like to find myself because I had 8 years sober...its possible.

    Glad you are taking steps to LIVE. That takes strength and bravery.

    • jojo1234
      jojo1234 Misssy2

      Posted

      There is nothing wrong with the beautiful things in life.... Sitting on the sofa in your pj's watching crap tv. I find that I can sit there and thing, so what? That's not a habit, that's a happy life.

      I make dinner. Watch crap tv, football...

      My weekends are no longer going to clubs, drinking, maybe taking drugs earlier on in my life (20 years ago clean now).

      I like to make good food.

      My daughter goes to her dad's on Friday evenings so that's my time when I sit and think what will i do now? That's when we pick up a drink and then carry on. We all have something missing that we are compensating with the alcohol. I think it's trying to find out what we've lost.

      Hope you're okay Missssy

       

  • Misssy2
    Misssy2 jojo1234

    Posted

    Hi!

    I agree with so what too..if it is a healthy so what!

    My sitting on the couch ALL day is not healthy for ME....I go deeper into depression.

    However, you are right...there are some days I can say SO WHAT...and be ok with what I am doing lazing around watching crap tv.....its the days that I have responsibility that if I were to sit on the couch and watch tv...I feel worse about myself.

    Like today I am going to drive 1,5 hours to see a friend in the hospital (my sponser of 10 years) she is dying....I can't sit on the couch today and say so what no matter how BAD I really want to. sad

    Its the weight on my shoulders from depression that is holding me back and not even making crap tv that enjoyable.  You sound good and glad you have found a way to live and not feel like crap all the time....I can learn from this...that it is OK sometimes....and I shouldn't feel guilty as long as I'm not blowing off something important smile

  • sam18386
    sam18386 jojo1234

    Posted

    Hi jo I think I've spoken to you before.  What's bothering you at this very moment and can we do anything on here?  You've been through more than most people would experience in a lifetime!  Just ask for help, I think you need antidepressants maybe or a visit to your doctor at least?  Try chocolate not alcohol - it doesn't do me any harm!  Aww poor you I hope you get some support soon.
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