How do we tell new partners?

­­Hi there

I haven’t faced this yet, but have thought about how I would go about it.  I would tell the person in a private place – somewhere you can both talk freely, without interruptions ideally.

I’d say I have something important to tell them – I have genital herpes.  It’s a virus that is transmitted through skin to skin contact, when the contagious area of the skin contacts the mucous membrane or some crack or microscopic tear in the skin.  I would tell them some facts about herpes: it is very common, they estimate up to 1 in 4 women have it, and about 1 in 5 men have it.  That the virus sheds from the skin, during outbreak, and also during other times where no outbreak is present (but in much smaller amount).  Of the people that have herpes (say, 20% of the World’s population), only about 20% of the people who have it even know they have herpes – because some people don’t get symptoms or outbreaks, or the ones they get are very mild, and most medical/STD checks never check for herpes unless the person presents with genital sore/s.

There are ways to reduce the risk of transmission, including suppressive anti-viral medication and use of condoms, and abstinence during outbreaks.  I would give them, or show them a good fact sheet about the risk of transmission and websites that explain genital herpes facts, for instance;

http://herpesopportunity.com/downloads/herpes-opportunity-disclosure-handout.pdf

I would then ask them to do some research on it, if they feel like continuing seeing me – I would “send them home” that night, so they can go away and think about everything I’ve said, and start looking up facts about it, peoples stories, etc.  I would reassure them that whatever they decide - is right for them, and I respect them and their decision.  I would ask them to find out about it, and have a good think about whether they want to continue seeing me / have sex with me.  I would reassure them that friendship would also be a nice option.  I would ask them to keep this information private – that I am telling them, because I respect and value them – I want them to be informed before they make any decision or we take any “action”.

I would tell them that it would also be okay, if they do decide to take “the risk” and have sex with me, that if they get scared or concerned later (say after having sex a few times), and wanted to stop – that’s okay.  At any point they can choose to back off from the relationship – it’s a “scary” kind of thing, thanks to the STIGMA associated with it.  But really it’s like cold sores, but on your genitals, and doesn’t affect much of anything, other than fears, anxieties, and the discomfort (or pain) associated with recurrences.

If they choose not to take this “risk”, that will be okay because they weren’t meant for me – one way or another, this thing won’t beat me – I will rise up and try, and try again.  And again!  Someone, somewhere, will love me absolutely and completely, one day.

Don’t worry that you’re “leading him on” – you don’t owe him sex – you can wait and wait, avoid it – until you are ready and comfortable to have the talk.  When you do have the talk, he will understand why you’ve been waiting or avoiding sex.  Tell him, you’re not ready yet, which is true – you’re not ready, because you’re not ready to tell him yet.  Wait until you get a good sense – of this person – and when the right time to discuss this is.  If he says “why aren’t you ready yet” or something, just say, because I’m not, I would like to have sex in the future – but I’m just figuring out things for a while first, I hope you can respect that.  If he can’t – give him the flick.  You need to disclose this when you are ready, and feel okay about telling this person.

I don’t know, I guess I would try this kind of approach. I think, just “sense out” when the best time is to have the talk – not while you’re kissing and heavy-petting – in a quiet space, where the focus is on talking.  Be prepared with facts, and ready to answer questions (do your own research!).  Be reassuring – fear and worry is normal, they should go and have a think about it and find out about it.  If they decide they can’t handle it – fine – off they go, or you can be friends.  There will be someone else in store for you.

All the best XOXOX

Hey there.. I had the exact same worry about 7 months ago! I meet a guy and went on dates with him for about 4 months... r feeling grew strong and we got close and new we were ready for the next step. I was so nervous! But had to tell him. He was shocked and sat thwre in silence for what felt like ages.. I was in tears which I think didnt help. He needed to go away and have a think which I understood but It was the longest weekend of my life I was I bits. He called me sunday t time n asked to come round.hed confided in a fwmale friend who gave him some sound advice as he thought its what dirty people got who slept around :-/ his words were im in love with u and nothings gonna change that he did say though if id told him before he'd got feelings for me he woukd have ran. Were very happy n deeply in love and im 10 weeks pregnant

Youve got to make sure theres some feelings there on both sides.. u dont want to tell every guy u meet straight away as its a personal thing for u to share.. if a guy is willing to wait for sex n get to know u uv got a keeper good look.. xxx

if youre referring to hsv1 orally.. dont stress.. most people 80% of people have it and it is not at all taboo.. I mean, nonone has ever told me they have coldsores and statistically ive come into contact with it a fair few times and if it was something anyone worried about, they would have told me (or should have) to which I would have replied, me too probably.

If you mean genital hsv1, well all I can say is dont stress!! 

I have hsv1 genitally and ive had to tell people.

Youre going to get different reactions from different people.

Some really dont care once you explain what it is and that you dont have an outbreak, others are cautious and make sure you dont have an outbreak, some might decide they dont want to continue a relationship with you, but if that last one is the case, at least you told them early and nothing much is lost.

I havent been rejected yet, even if people have been cautious, they got over it, saw me again and we 'connected' the next time if not later that day/night once I had explained everything to them. 

The best way to tell someone I have found is to be comfortable in talking about it. Your partner is less likely to freak out or reject you if you are cool calm and collected, theyll think if youre not stressed living with it, they dont have to be either.

Because the reality is, is that its not that bad and it shouldnt have the stigma that it does. I suggest reading allll that you can about it, get real comfortable about talking it, tell friends or family members first. 

Tell them you have genital hsv1 which is genital herpes, its the same virus as what the majority of the population has orally. Include a bit about your experience with it (I usually say thay its not as bad as what anyone thinks, its like having a pimple or cut on your hand or something, its hurts a bit, can get ithy and irritable, at its worst youll be itchy and burny for a week but thats it and cant hurt you in any other way.) its a very superficial virus.

Also reassure them that you keep on top of it, take medication or whatever it is that you do to prevent outbreaks and/or that if you did ever get an outbreak while with them you will tell them and have to abstain from sex during that period. Condoms arent 100% protection, even against viral shedding. but the chances are so so low with viral shedding being passed on while using condoms.

When? I find when youre closer, things are heating up but no foreplay or kissing or anything has begun.

A casual coffee date or something works. if things are heating up the first date and things are starting to happen, you can tell them at that point, its just a bit scarier for them when you first say it. but its better than telling them afterwards. 

Whats the WORST thing that could happen? you dont see them again? alright.. well move on.

I mean, you might be with someone who also needs to tell you that they have it, or need to say something else theyre scared of saying.

DONT TOUCH YOUR EYES AFTER TOUCHING THE SORE. because eyes are different again.

Hi.. I just had this talk with a guy a started dating recently. We were going good direction and I decided to tell him.. He freak out. I know he liked me which he said but he also said he just can’t do it. I’m heartbroken. I didn’t feel about someone like this in ages. It’s only first time since I was diagnosed and it didn’t go well for me. Sad but nothing I can do I suppose. I’m really devastated because I never experienced any Heath issues before and this one sounds like death sentence. 😥