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Hello, this is Maddy. Posting for the first time. Had to rant about my pain. Sorry for my bad English. I've never been diagnosed before. Took online diagnosing and came to know that I've both dysthymia and PTSD. I'M LITERALLY SUFFERING FROM SEVERE ANXIETY, PANICK ATTACKS, LOW SELF-ESTEEM AND TRUST ISSUE. I'm a spiritual person, I believe this is temporary, I meditate but seems like my inner demons are more powerful than my spirit. My soul is constant fighting between happiness and darkness. It's all started from my childhood, never got a better parents. Have so called boyfriend, who doesn't care at all. I love him hard, never ever thought without living him(though it's a long distance relationship). My previous relationships didn't work out. Don't know why this world became so fake, selfish, rude lately. Others successfull couple makes me feel jealous. Honestly I don't think my relationship with my parents and boyfriend is ever gonna be fixed as because they never tried to understand me (its my duty to understand them everything). I'M TIRED, tired of moving on, tired of consoling my heart that everything gonna be okay oneday, tired of holding on, tired of crying, tired of pretending to be happy in front of everyone just because they don't understand, tired of praying to God. Nothing has changed since my childhood. NOTHING. Even God knows I don't deserve a stable, healthy, matured relationship. I'm depressed and can't share my pain with anyone. I've no place to escape. I was always been a wounded lone wolf who wandered in her small dark world. I don't see any purpose to continue this life. NO I'M NOT SUICIDAL. But lost all hope, desires, happiness, motivation just for my parents and boyfriend. I don't need anyone's sympathy. Just needed to vent. Thank you for listening with compassion.
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