How do you handle holidays with your spouse and children when you are suffering from me/cfs?
Posted , 4 users are following.
I've been struggling with health issues for awhile but recently things have took a turn for the worse. normally when it comes to holidays I handled all the planning decorating, and food. Now that I'm worse I struggle just with the planning part and honestly I never know when I'm going to be well or if I'm going to struggle with simply frosting a cake much less throwing a whole thing together.
I'll admit I tend to kill myself for my children for their birthdays or certain holidays although sometimes decorations don't get put up or cakes might not be as nice as I'd hoped. I then die for a week before I can get back up and try to be half a decent mom again.
But I am struggling with one aspect of my life and its holidays with or for my husband. I want to give him the same energy I do for the kids but the reality is when I do it for them he takes them away so I can or helps me. For his birthday obviously he doesn't want to do this. He also wouldn't be as thrilled with decorated house and a cake he wants to go somewhere and have a special dinner made.
Right now it is fathers day and I had a pretty rough week with the kids taking them to summer school, doctor visits, and sports. I have 4 kids and ones a toddler so you can imagine. Anyhow I had a pretty hard time for last two months just keeping things straight. I kept meaning to get him a present but I kept forgetting ,not intentionally because of course I love him and I want to make him happy, but I have struggled a lot with the brain fog ssomedays I couldn't tell you my age if you asked. He is obviously hurt a bit. He mentioned all of us going to the zoo and I had to tell him between the drive and all the walking I wasn't sure I'd be able to which I'm sure reinforced his belief I don't care.
I'm going to try to get up with kids in the morning and make him something to eat when he does wake up but I know this isn't going to feel like much to him. he does so much for my birthday and mothers day way more compared to what I do and it just makes me feel horrible.
How exactly are you supposed to handle anniversaries, father day, and birthdays for your spouse when your body is so broken all the time? My husband is a good man but he doesn't feel what I feel so trying to get him to understand I want to but can't feels more like I won't because I don't care to him.
0 likes, 6 replies
Beverley_01 amy93209
Posted
Hi Amy,
I know you are feeling guilty for not managing to sort things out for special occasions but, the guilt changes nothing it just makes you feel worse?
firstly, today is fathers day and that is important for the kids, take a step back and let them entertain their dad! let them get more involved with making a cake etc. Drawing pictures, making things that they can hang up to decorate.
write this to your husband, tell him that you are scared he thinks you don't care when you are too ill to do things. Be honest with him. Get information about the condition from the internet and show him that. Show him the #millionsmissing stuff, how many of us are missing the lives we had/wanted to have.
Get a wheelchair. It might sound extreme but, I have one and use it when I have to. Then going to the zoo would be possible. your eldest could push the toddler if needed and your husband can push you. In my case, not walking helps in that the brain fog lessens and there is less pain. I also spoke to a husband who suggested a wheelchair to his wife so they could go on holiday. At first she was against it but he told me she was grateful of it as it meant she could enjoy their holiday by the end of it. We have to adapt to the condition, the condition does not adapt to us no matter how hard we try to make it!
I think you said you aren't in the UK? and so I am not 100% certain how things work medically but, you could ask your gp to loan a wheelchair?
If all else fails, buying a store bought cake is not failing. Buying things online, or getting the kids to make things isn't either. It does not make you a bad mum or wife. You didn't ask to be ill. I forget things too, it doesn't mean I don't care and I know that. I have had to accept my lesser abilities. have to ask for help and be more self caring. Have to rest when the kids want to do other things. In a way it will be easier for you when the little one is in nursery school.
A family is a team and each person plays their part. It sounds like you are doing too much and this needs to change so you can manage your energy. You have 4 children and a husband whom you love and you like to show them this which is great but, right now you are exhausted and struggling and doing everything is not an option.
Beverley
amy93209 Beverley_01
Posted
Thank you very much for your advice. I have been thinking of getting a wheelchair but I get nervous about people's reaction when they realize I can walk. I suppose its something I will just have to come to terms with. In all reality I do realize I'm pushing to hard and I need to take a step back it's just hard for us because we have zero family support so if I don't do it there isn't anyone else. I live in the US. the insurance I have spends far more time figuring out how they can not cover things for me.
lori93950 amy93209
Posted
drs in my area now asking for concierge fees ... one wanted $900 ! thats on top of insurance !!
what has happened to this country ? more sick people than ever and no services !!!!
amy93209 lori93950
Posted
I know what you mean. I honestly cry at the thought of having to go to the dentist because they are even worse.
Beverley_01 amy93209
Posted
Hi Amy,
I know it is hard and you have to remind yourself how well you are actually doing.
I felt odd going out in my chair too and bumped into neighbours almost straight away the first time but, the more I used it, the easier it got.
Hope today went well for you,
Beverley
lori93950 amy93209
Posted
youre pushing yourself too much and wont get better without solid rest . you need to sit all your family down explain that things are different now and that life will be different for a while ...