How should you feel?

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Hi ladies and men if you can answer,  I need help mid appointments to see my counsellor who is now off sick - I was going to ask her a question but I'll ask on here.  For those who suffer from PTSD through as assault what is sex meant to feel like for a woman? Does anyone know what feels normal? Sorry to ask but need to know! Thanks. X

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  • Posted

    This is a difficult question. So this is just my perception when I answer. I wa sin an abusive relationship for two years. Part of the abuse was drilling into me that I was only good for sex/what I would do sexuall and that our sex should be like what he'd seen in porn. He'd constantly push me into doing things I said no to. 

    So after that, the kind of sex I want is where I feel an intimate connection with them, from them. That they see me and care about me for me. No just a person to use to mimic some porn fantasy they have in their mind. 

    Connection. You should feel cared about and respected in sex. Not controlled, used and that it's all about them, their fantasies and their pleasure alone. That their aim is to connect with you, make you feel good and share mutual intimacy and enjoyment.

    Does that make sense?

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    • Posted

      Hi felicia, that makes more sense than anything anyone except a counsellor has said to me but not in that much detail! I never feel like that just cold, clinical, scared and sick and dirty! I know that's not right neither does my husband he never pushes me luckily! I explained this to my counsellor and she was concerned how strong my feelings were. This counselling won't be easy but necessary, wish me luck that it works please? And to you the same.

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  • Posted

    Hey Sam.

    How you feel is not wrong and not something you need to try to force yourself past because you feel guilty and like you have to meet your husband's expectations. Part of abuse based trauma is feeling like your needs and feelings don't matter and you need to push those down to please those around you.

    Accept how you feel right now and don't push yourself to have sex if those feelings are so strong. I've learnt the hard way, many times, when PTSD symptoms flare up like that, it's my body telling me I'm not ready to face that trigger head on yet. And still need to do some inner work and healing. My counsellor told me these things need to be taken one step at a time, or you burn out and have big breakdowns and hinder progress, which I've done many times.

    Please learn from my mistakes. It's okay to feel how you're feeling. Okay to need to hold off sex and intimacy until you have worked through that trigger a bit more. You need to get to a place where you feel safe and secure mentally, before you can push yourself back into physical intimacy. Explain it to your husband and if you think it would help, have some of your therapy sessions with him to help re develop a sense of trust and intimacy. Don't feel guilty for not being able to be intimate with someone you know is safe. The nervous system gets irrational from PTSD and can't handle anything that is similar to the original trauma for a while. That's just the way it is.

    My job is a major PTSD trigger. Lots of screaming and yelling and I'm having to quit to put my recovery first, because I've been having lots of anxiety episodes from the pressure there.

    Sometimes you just need to take a step back and work through things one step at a time. Don't feel guilty for putting your recovery first.

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    • Posted

      Hi Felicia, can I show my counsellor this as I think she needs to know what help I am seeking in between the sessions with her. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to crack and I've buried my dad. This tops that hands down. Are you still having help now, if not how long did it take you to feel strong enough to cope.?

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