How to persuade my husband that I'm not a 'pity seeker'...

Posted , 6 users are following.

Only a year in and we were hanging in well together but the less I can do the more frustrated he feels. Tonight is the day before my birthday and I'm a bit down as I've booked the weekend away, researched and booked the restaurant and booked the 'treat'  - cos he was busy. I'm knackered cos I've had to do more driving than planned in the last two days and so was a bit p*ssed off tonight. And was told I was a 'pity seeker'. Now I still work full time, cook, sort the kids... and I'm p*ssed off and so ranting a bit. What I really need is some way to explain to him that rest is really important - it means I can go on to do more - not less - ultimately. Any thoughts? Jo

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  • Posted

    I am so sorry for the way this person in yiur life attempts to make you feel about yourself. It does very much look as though the giving and sharing in your relationship is cimpletely out of balance, and he knows what he is doing to you. Your relationship to this person is about you loving, and he not loving you in return. He thinks himself as worthy of receiving, but you not of giving back to. He has obviously figured that he can control you further with his fits of rage or childish temper tantrums and continue to neglect you. You must be the adult here, and not allow this to continue. You must see and know your worth, and seek someone who appreciates and truly loves you, and does not tell you that you are seeking pity when you are sharing your needs, just so he can continue to unlove you. Until you can see the dynamics you are enabling in your relationship, and his neglect of your feelings and needs as a loving and caring human being, he will continue to use you to only meet his needs, at your expense. You have every right to be insulted by his behaviors, and rather than thinking of him as a child that just doesnt get it...you must see thst this is a game he is playing, and that he does not want to truly live you, nor has the capacity or maturity needed for a mutually satisfying adult relationship. You must see also yiur part in thisfor future relationships, so this does not happen with others who only want to steal your goodness. One thing that blurs the truth and confuses many women is confusing sex with a person of this personality type, with actual love. You must know and realize for yourself that you deserve so much more. This man is not loving you, and regardless of your wish to believe differently. You must take charge of your life, and no longer allow a person if this mentality to hurt you any longer by saying, "step up or step out." You must learn how to then love yourself before entering into another relationship, and know you deserve to be loved as you would love another. I wish you the very best in moving forward for you.. The person you are with may only be present for what he can take from you sexually and otherwise. You must be wise and see truth. Do not argue with him or think you can change a man of this personality. His character and integrity and maturity is not there. It cannot go further with a man of this nature. Go safely and quickly.
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  • Posted

    Hi Jo, sorry you are going through this! Has your husband not been to any of yor rheumy appointments? If not then he really should and you need to show him some literature about how debilitating RA is. I guess I must be lucky as my partner goes to every one with me, asks the rheumy questions, explains to her how I have been struggling etc. my son actually started researching online so he could try to understand also. Some days I just fall asleep almost while I am talking but he knows that this can happen and he gives me peace to rest. I do sometimes see what I think is some frustration, however he does try to hide it. We talk a lot and I think you need to as well. Blimey we would want to do much more for ourselvesif only we could. He should see that you are actually really pushing yourself if you can manage to work full time - that must be really difficult and he should be praising you for it. When I go to work (part time) I am shattered andalmost always need to sleep a few hours when I get home. Good luck let me know how it goes x
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  • Posted

    Also Happy Birthday to You!!!! The best thing you can do to take care of yourself and love yourself at this time of your birthday, is in my thoughts to cancel your self made plans with this selfish man, who is to busy to love you. If he dies not make time or plans for you, take this as a sign that he does not wish to honor you even on your birthday!! Then, make different plans that does not involve a person who is not loving you. Learn how to love you!!!! Some of us did not learn how from our mothers or fathers, and we must stop this pattern with the men in our lives. He wants to upset and hurt you and that is not love.
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  • Posted

     you need help and support not pitty he should be supportive but most men arent supportive they dont realise  what RA patients go through I have a great Older brother is my carer he understands  i agree with Cheria you need  a man that going to caring and supportive  jo  need a good balance  you need a a loving person in a relationship id have a loving boyfriend but he turned just the same as some men  coukld cope with my arthrits i have bad arthritis i have it everwhere but hey try keep mobile best way you can and keep postive and  dont let him bring you down you find someone  that appreciate you caring in a relationship good luck jo xx
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  • Posted

    Hi Jo.

    firstly cherias  advice worries me. You surely cannot give advice like that to someone without knowing more of the background. You've only been dealing with this for one year and I know from experience that it takes a lot of adjustment on both sides to come to terms with RA. 

    irresponsible advice is not going to help. Your husband is probably as confused and overwhelmed as you are.  Take a step back and stay calm. Lots of hurtful things are said in haste and I'm sure are, by now, being regretted. 

    Try to get him to go to one of your appointments with you or ask for an appointment for both of you. Go armed with a list of questions. It's not going to be an overnight solution but certainly doesn't warrant the drastic advice given previously.

    ive had RA for ten years and we're stil coming to terms with it"

    take care xxxxx

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    • Posted

      I agree Linda, I thought the same and that advice worried me too as it would not be what I wanted to hear. One person's experience of someone does not mean all are the same! It is difficult for the whole family to deal with and can take time for it all to sink in x
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  • Posted

    I feel your hurt and frustration but we would have to hear his side before deciding he is totally wrong.  I would suggest that you become your own best friend and do only what works for you.  If you feel you did too much in preparing for the weekend decide if it will be worth the aggravation.  Sometimes it just is not.  

    This is is a very frustrating disease. 

     

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  • Posted

    Yes, this is a tough one and it comes up again and again....

    Remember it is hard for others to understand these kinds of illnesses, where there's often nothing obvious to show for it. So it might help for you, if you can, to try to understand how hard it is for him. Stay centered and breathe deeply and explain to him – over and over, if necessary – somewhat as you would a child who just can't get it the first time.

    Let him know you know it's hard for him to understand but state clearly and without self-pity that this is how it is and this is what you must do to take care of yourself. Avoid asking him to take care of you, just let him know that this is what you need to do for yourself – and that would include not doing certain things.

    Then you must stand your ground and quietly do those things you need to do and not do the things you can't. Don't do things to please him but with a long-suffering grimace.... just don't do them. Someone else will do them eventually, most likely him.

    Try not to get angry with him, but just carry on taking the rest you need, and so on.

    If you don't complain and don't expect him to understand but just get on with it, he will find it hard to accuse you of begging for pity and he himself will eventually get the picture: You're not well; you need rest.

    Then, if he loves you, he will come around and start supporting you. But don't expect that to happen at the start. 

    You don't need to apologise. You don't need to thank him. You just quietly and with perserverance do whatever you need to look after yourself....

    If he feels forced to do things for you and doesn't really feel or understand why this is important to you, he will soon resent it and the bitterness will grow.

    So it is always best you take responsibility for yourself and expect nothing. Ask him for help if it's vital, but don't get upset if it doesn't happen.

    Let him learn slowly.

    Also, do take him with you to your doctor, and ask the questions that will get the doctor to say the things you've been trying to explain to your husband.

    I wish you all the best in this long struggle. He'll come around sooner or later and allowing him to come of his own accord will enrich the relationshipo no end.

    And, not to forget, it's your birthday...!

    Happy Birthday, Jo!

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  • Posted

    Hi all - and thanks for all your responses. We went and it was good and bad in parts. We started off ok ish on Fri, had a good day on sat but I over did things so sun was quite explosive. I know its a journey, and it will all take time. I think there was also a lot of unprocessed upset for me - as its my first 'birthday' since the diagnosis which all began this time last year. I love my husband and he is not a bad man. Sometimes he doesn't understand and often neither do I. I know I do deserve a bit more 'care' sometimes - and he did pop out and get me chapagne and a cake today so we could at least finish a difficult weekend well. I also need to tell him more about how tired I am and stop trying to just 'do' everything. Thanks everyone though for the support. We all just muddle along, I suppose...
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