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I am genuinely at a loss at how to control my anger and pain. I want to make him suffer the way he made me suffer. I was physically abused from a young age, strangled, smacked, items chucked at me. He use to break all my belongings to show me who was in charge. Ive never gotten over it, and now in adult life I dont do well. I have had depression and anxiety from childhood (though only diagnosed for 8 years or so), and it affects every part of my life. I had to give up work, I cannot leave the house, sometimes not even my bed. My house gets in a mess out of sheer inability to move sometimes. I seem to have very little happiness and I rarely socialise. I constantly want to punish him,this being my dad. He went on to have an affair after moving us to a new town and is now engaged to a lady half his age. He treats his new family a lot better than me, and has even recently locked me in his room and proceded to scream in my face. Hes physically thrown me out his house last year so its not stopped in adulthood. The problem- hes dying. His illness is killing him, and Im constantly being told to leave him alone. How do I over come this? I have a woman from the mental health team helping me and on meds/see doc regularly. But I feel like Im gonna end it, I feel like its never gonna end. I have a lot of issues with suicide/self harm, and its just getting worse again. Its causing nightmares, too little sleep, I cant do anything to wind down. What can I do?
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