How to stop being a people pleaser?
Posted , 2 users are following.
Hi everyone! I hope everybody’s doing well. I’m wanting some other opinions on this subject. I’m 25 years old and I have really bad anxiety, a guilty conscious and I’m a huge people pleaser and wondering if this really is a problem or if I’m just making it harder and more dramatic than it has to be? My birthday is this weekend and my fiancé and I thought it would be nice to have both of our families over or have everyone go out to dinner since we rarely do things like that with both families. My birthday also falls on a Saturday this year so it would’ve been the perfect day to have it. Well my brother(19) decided to go out of town the weekend of and I’m expected to just plan it around him. I get that it’s not really that big of a deal but it’s just frustrating cause I have two families two work around now and it’s not just about my family anymore. I tried to move it up a couple days earlier to accommodate my family but then half of my boyfriends family won’t be able to make it because of work and their kids activities, which is understandable. So I told my mom let’s just cancel my bday and just hope for better luck next year and she was clearly surprised and hurt by this comment so I automatically felt guilty for saying it. So then, I thought the next best thing would be to try and have it the week after even though I really don’t care to celebrate a whole week later, but now my fiancé and I are fighting and he’s saying it’s my brothers own fault for going out of town when he knows when my bday is and told me that I’m always bending for my family and that they take advantage of it and he’s tired of it. I also snapped at him cause I told him he's just causing me more stress.(I hate confrontation with a passion due to my anxiety)
Am I being completely unreasonable and too dramatic about this? I know it’s something so small, but I just can’t help but get frustrated cause I can’t even seem to make a 2 hour birthday dinner work. Thanks in advance!
0 likes, 4 replies
Italia06 taylor_17978
Posted
yes, you're making a big deal about nothing. it's your birthday and yes you're being dramatic. focus on where you want to go spend your birthday with your fiance. invite both sides of the family. if some or many of those can't make it for whatever reason then so be it. otherwise, if you have the expectation that EVERYONE should make it and be on time, you'll definitely be disappointed. it appears you want everything to go as planned and be perfect and that's a recipe for anxiety disaster. above all there shouldn't be arguing or stress when the point is celebrating something...which happens to be your birthday. celebrate your birthday for you. even if a few people show up, be happy and appreciate they did instead of being offended over who didn't.
you certainly shouldn't be arguing with your fiance or pointing fingers at each other of what's supposed be a celebration, which is your birthday. one of the best ways to make progress with anxiety is focusing on you instead of worrying what people think about you; trying to please everyone. anyway, hope this helped and good luck.
taylor_17978 Italia06
Posted
Thanks for the reply.
Maybe I should have been more specific, the main problem is the fact that my family wants me to plan my birthday around my brother who chose to go out of town and I feel like I'm constantly planning around everything. I know that not everything will be perfect, that wasn't the point of this post, but either way I definitely know that I need better ways of coping and need to learn to put my foot down.
Italia06 taylor_17978
Posted
you were concise with your initial post, but one of the anchors to anxiety is perfectionism; having everything in it's right place per se. and it seems this birthday planning with the family is either all or nothing, as you've laid out.
yes, you're right...put your foot down. i almost laughed at the idea that you need to be planning your own birthday around your brother. that's just ridiculous. if it's that much of a hassle then just you and your fiance should enjoy your birthday.
and your brother should know when your birthday is and if he's out of town for personal leisure and not out of necessity due to a job or other, then i'm afraid your fiance has a point then.
if i were in your shoes i'd throw the invite out to all, obviously your brother can't make it being out of town, but it seems as if your other family members could. after all, it IS your birthday. they should certainly have consideration towards you, especially if your brother being out of town wasn't out of necessity.
now if your brother couldn't help it, then pushing it a week so everybody could and would make it is not a bad idea either. it's certainly understandable and reasonable.
taylor_17978 Italia06
Posted
Yes! Thank you!! All I needed was one person to agree with so I wasn’t the bi**** one. He went out of town by choice to see a friend and I thought it was ridiculous to have to plan around someone else and it’s happened for other things to, my birthday dinner was just an example so I know it almost sounds dumb, but it does get really frustrating at times.
I think we’re gonna just settle on having something small to make it easier, no big deal, I was just irritated yesterday and felt like ranting lol.
Thank you for taking time to reply to my post!