How to tell if it was depression

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Hi all,

I recently posted this on another discussion but not sure whether they people will reply as it was ages ago.

I've just had my partner of almost 2 years break up with me for a 2nd time. We met through friends and hit it off straight away, he's funny, good looking and really thoughtful and caring. (He had just come out of a relationship with someone of 5-6 years, they were engaged but she had been unfaithful - he never really spoke of this much just that he was grateful that it allowed him to meet me) We had a great 5 months at the start but, at times my anxiety and over thinking would cause unnecessary arguments. We were due to go away together and had everything planned and booked, and paid for last summer but then he said a week before that he wouldn't be able to join me because of work. I was devastated. Literally the most disappointed person ever, however I still went and we kept talking/messaging whilst I was away but of course my disappointment did take over - and I felt really upset. During this time, he spent days with friends and carried on being normal. When I got back, he picked me up from the airport and I apologized for some of my 'negativity' whilst I was away, we had a lovely few hours and then all of a sudden he told me that 'he didn't see it working' it was literally like a flicked switch in him. I was so upset by this and pretty much devastated. He just kept on telling me 'it was for the best' I was literally a mess as I felt we had so much in common, and when things had been amazing - we were on cloud 9. We had 2 weeks apart and during this time, I reflected on how my anxiety had possibly made me more needy. At the end of the 2 weeks he turned up at my place (having sent a message telling him about how much I loved what we had had but that I accepted he didn't want me anymore) he turned up and said that he never wanted to lose me and that he hadn't even told anyone that it was a break up; that he's always seen us being together and even kept buying tickets for us, that the time I was away was really difficult and yet he unfairly blamed me. We agreed to go back to dating and seeing each other once a week. This was great, I went away with some friends and was fine, my anxiety didn't cause any fights, I was happy and so were we, when I came back I discovered, he had been messaging another woman - she had been overly flirty but he hadn't stopped her but nor had he encouraged it. I was furious. Told him it was over and we ended up having a huge argument....during this he told me he loved me. We agreed to get over it and I asked him not to speak to her again because she had not only destroyed her own marriage but was now attempting to destroy our relationship. He agreed and things were brilliant for another 6 months. During this time he confided in me and told me that he had begun having really bad panic attacks, that they started after we met when he was in USA with family and then whenever he thought about flying. I had previously been hypnotized for this same anxiety and told him that he must go and see someone. So he did and they gave him tablets to take for flights - which he did when we went to see family at Christmas. Christmas was amazing last year - and we decided that we were going to move back home (we were living abroad) together and to his hometown. Once we got back, things started to change slightly, he became less interested in the things we had once done, and found it difficult going to work etc. I myself, was getting a bit fed up with work and couldn't wait to move back to the UK. We booked a two week holiday for March and then he started having panic attacks in the build up again, he said it was because we were arguing all the time, but this wasn't the case, a day before we were due to go he found a psycologist and they told him that he shouldn't get on the plane as the panic attacks would worsen and that he needed 2 weeks no contact. I was distraught. Absolutely confused and left feeling like rubbish. He said it was something to do with 'control' - I immediately felt it was because I had suggested the place to go and it was my idea...he said that it might be. I still went alone on the trip, because I love travelling, he paid for my friend to join me towards the end for a few days. Whilst I was there, the communication was on/off he didn't message to see if I got there ok, or how I was or anything. My head was literally filled with thoughts, had I lead him to this? Was I controlling etc? Every day I would wake up and think ok, I can do this but by the afternoon I would be furious that he had done this. he sent me a bunch of roses to the hotel, and apparently had been calling reception each day to check in on me. We agreed that during this time that we would both go and see psychologists to help with our relationship. I will be honest and say that, I didn't give him 2 weeks no contact, and a part of me wishes I had but at the same time, I felt as though I had been totally messed about and my head was all over the place.

I started seeing a psychologist and we looked at my over thinking patterns and love languages etc which really helped. I started to understand myself a lot better and my partner. We really worked together on getting to know each other and things were getting better. The only thing that worried me was that, I would say to him, when you say things to me, positive things, they mean so much and he would say, 'yeah but now you're forcing me to say things' and I would get upset because I felt as though he wasn't understanding my needs - I felt I had always been good at recognizing his and understanding how much he needs and what he wants. Anyhow we moved back to the UK, I wanted to go on holiday during the summer but he said he wouldn't be able to and that why couldn't we just stay in the UK for a holiday - why did we have to go abroad. I explained my reasons for this but he said maybe in a few months he would feel like a holiday abroad but not now. I felt hurt because I have always been clear about wanting to go away together and exploring new places. 

Since we moved literally became all about him. Everything was what he wanted to do, we lived with his parents for a month, socialized with his family every weekend and whenever I suggested us going out together, he would be on his phone reviewing things on google. We got a puppy, who we both adored but then everything became about the dog. All he wanted to talk about was the dog, or his new car. I suggested a weekend away without the pup so we could have some 'us' time but he said he was too young and we couldn't leave him there. The arguments started and I felt as if I was becoming 'lost' here was someone I had fallen in love with and really trusted and yet he was ignoring the things I wanted or needed in a relationship and I started getting quite sad. Moving to a new place with no one except his family was really hard. We were in a house we both really liked, but he said that I wasn't happy because I would complain about it being cold or raining (I felt this is just a British thing to do!)  that I never wanted to be here (not the case) work wasn't great either, I was commuting and hadn't really enjoyed the school, I would talk to him about this but eventually I stopped and felt like I couldn't. For the last 2 months I made a conscious effort to be happy, to suggest doing things and going out and doing the things we used to do but he didn't want to know. He started drinking more, eating loads and being tired all the time. Some days he would literally fall asleep on the living room floor with the dog out and be fully clothed. We both agreed, after an argument to try and give each other what we needed, I would stop nagging him about household chores and he would arrange more dates like he used to. Of course he arranged one date and got really drunk. I didn't even want to stay out because he was so drunk. That night he stayed up drinking and ordering take away until 4 am and I got really upset. 

He never wanted to talk about anything and always told me he was too tired or he didn't want to argue. He started taking everything I said the wrong way, even if I was asking him how he was. It was horrible. He told me that I brought the worst in him out and that he couldn't cope with my mood swings. Which literally shattered me. He text me the morning before he broke up with me saying that his love for me outweighed everything....I said we needed to continue talking and he said it was helping....then I got home that evening and he just talked about work - I felt totally ignored and lost and he just said,'I need to eat before we talk' and I refused and said I couldn't until we did, he just said, 'I can't see it working' and that was it. He looked at me like he was totally lost. It was the exact same thing he'd said last year, and he just went totally cold on me. I asked if he no longer loved me and he said, if that made it easier to tell myself that, I said, tell me this is what you want and he kept saying, 'it's for the best' - I was really upset of course, because I said we could sit down and actually talk about this and he said, 'here I am communicating. I can't see it working' I told him to stay at his parents that night the last thing he said was 'How can I be happy in a relationship if I'm not happy in myself?' 

We have a house together, and since that day, I've seen him once, I took full responsibility for my anxiety and my actions, and nagging him to do things, and just said it wasn't me, 'it was us' he has since messaged my best friend and told her that he really misses me and loves hearing from me but that it's not healthy to keep in touch. 

I am devastated. I just want to know if he is suffering from depression or if it's really my doing that we have ended up being where we are now. I've tried reaching out to him and communicating but he has told me 'he wants to hear from me but it's not good for us' and then has blocked me from everything. 

I am just gutted. I know everyone will say what friends and family have said but the guy I met and fell in love with has just completely disappeared and it's heartbreaking because we were fantastic together and hard to accept that this is really the end of us. 

I'm finding it really tough carrying on with life when I believe in him so much to be the loving person I met. 

I'm back seeing a physcologist and focusing on my inner critic - I have a tenancy to put myself down even when I know I am not really that bad. But I feel as though all of this has left me wondering what kind of person I am if I've driven someone so kind, loving and caring to this. 

Any answers or thoughts on this would be really appreciated. Thank you.  


1 like, 6 replies

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6 Replies

  • Posted

    Hello there. I am so glad that you wrote in today. 

    You have been through so much in this relationship. Does it really matter what the reason is depression or not..that is causing this man to yo yo all over the place? He won't or cannot commit to you. Once you think he is in and you feel secure, he pulls the chair out from under you "saying, oh I was just kidding!"  To me it seems abusive. One big question. Do you feel loved by him? Diane

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    • Posted

      I felt loved by him until July. And then suddenly he just changed. I felt as though I became totally invisible and a burden to be with. But you are totally right, gets me to a place where I feel as though we are solid and then totally derails again. Thank you x
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  • Posted

    I am sorry to read about your situation. I am no doctor but my opinion is he is scarred to commit or some other issue but this is not because of you. You sound like you know what you want and maybe he is not ready for that. How old is he? Age could be a factor if he is younger. Please keep you chin up things will get better.
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    • Posted

      He is 32 and I'm 28. Yeah I think you could be right. I think I have to accept that whatever it is - he clearly doesn't want 'us' to work. Hard to walk away when you believe in the good of people though. Thank you. I will do. X

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  • Posted

    Hi Shakeyuk - sorry to read of the heartache you endure. No.1 - stop blaming yourself. No. 2 - keep having time out from each other. No.3 - keep working on yourself with your psychologist. If your boyfriend has mental health issues, it is up to him to seek help. The work you do on yourself will help you grow. It may transpire that you have moved on in life and he has not. Look after yourself.
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    • Posted

      I just don't like to think of myself as the person who has done this to someone so loving and caring as he was. But yes. Focussing on myself is a must now. Thank you

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