HS Effects on Relationships

Posted , 6 users are following.

Hi all,

So this my very first post, apologise if i'm doing this all wrong!

I am 19 (nearly 20 years old) and was diagnosed with HS recently, HS affects me intwo locations (groin and underarms) and I have dealt with HS symptoms since my early teens. I have found my "dream man", "the one" or simply the man i want to spend the rest of my life with. Just so he knew what he was getting himself into, i let him know i have a bad skin disorder (i made it out that its as gruesome as can be) but I did not tell him its HS. He thought it absurd that it should come between us as it is not something completely under my control at the moment. I hope with a diet and lifestyle change I can get it under control.

To get to the point, i'm terrified of his reaction and questioning whether I should marry at all. it greatly affects my self-esteem. I was wondering if any other women (or men) have gone through/going through the same ordeal.

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13 Replies

  • Posted

    I just met someone also and scared to death to tell him he's awesome open and I don't know how to explain this to him myself.

     

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    • Posted

      I am sorry to hear that. I literally just sent him close-up pictures of my skin and i'm majorly freaking out. He should be back on Sunday so i reckon i'll just have to talk to him and tell him all about it. The main reason i'm not telling him the name of the condition is because i'm scared he will search it on Google Images. I mostly just have scars so i guess in comparison its not that bad to those images at all.

      My advice, for what its worth: If he's awesome and open, you can be too. Plus, its a test of sorts. If he stays, it'll prove he loves you. If you've literally just met him, i'd hold off telling him until you know him very well.

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  • Posted

    Hi.  I understand where you are coming from but I think you are attaching too much importance to physical imperfections.   For all you know he might have scars as well.  They will always look worse to you than anyone else but if he loves you he will love your scars as well.   Don't forget too that if you get too obsessed about them you might drive him away.    There are lots of people with scars on their body  from a operation or something and while I know HS scars are ugly it shouldn't affect his feelings for you.  If they do then he isn't worth having is he?   And thank goodness you found out now instead of wasting any more time!  Good luck.  x

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  • Posted

    Hey Martian,

    Like you HS affects my armpits and seems to be in love with my groin. I completely understand where you're coming from. I hadn't been diagnosed when I met my husband, and I was 20 years old at the time. I was still under the ridiculous impression that I just wasn't clean enough. So, when our relationship started to get serious, I figured I'd better tell him before we went any further.

    He actually laughed when I told him my doctor said it was hygeine related. He told me that I was by far the cleanest person he'd ever met in his entire life. And he was so understanding I actually broke down in tears right there in front of him. Until that moment I'd never let him see any of my affected areas. I was always careful to wear longer sleeves and sweaters and we hadn't...well, you know. The scar tissue was pretty bad under my arms, much worse than my girly parts which were pretty bad, and when I got up the courage to show it to him (my arm not my hoohah, just to clarify), he didn't flinch or wince. He just looked at me and asked me if this was why I'd turned him down twice before I agreed to go on a date with him. It wasn't, actually, but I told him he could believe that if it made him feel better.

    We've been married for five years now. We have two beautiful children, and he's gone with me to every doctor visit. He's the one who got me to see a dermatologist to get a diagnosis, then told me to ditch the dermatologist and keep looking for a doctor who understood and could actually treat me, and pretty much told my old family doctor to...well do something anatomically impossible. He even came with me when I had to get one in my groin lanced and held my hand. He took care of me after a round of operations to remove the sinus tracts that developed and always manages to tell me how beautiful I am every chance he gets. And he even went on an elimination diet with me last year, the truest test of marriage in history. Turns out he doesn't have any sensitivies, but when we found out that nightshades were mine, he was the one who went through our pantry and tossed everything with nightshades out. And everytime we go to a grocery store, he starts humming Mission Impossible and insists on reading through every single ingredients list before we put anyting in the cart, lol.

    I swear I hit the jackpot when it comes to husbands. I don't even care that he leaves his dirty laundry all over the floor, sings metallica in the shower, forgets to put gas in the car, or plays halo more than any man should be allowed to, or that his idea of vacuuming starts and ends at the living room. I love the dork.

    HS is a horrible, isolating disease. DO NOT LET IT WIN! If this guy is as supportive as you say he is, then he will love you regardless. And if he can't, find someone who can. There are a lot of men out there who will take that whole spiel about 'in sickness and in health' very seriously.

    Looking back, I had no idea just how much I'd isolated myself from my friends and family. I always broke off relationships before they got too serious just because I didn't want to face the disgust I might see in their eyes when they finally got an eyeful. I can't help but think that if I'd done the same thing with my husband, I have no idea where I'd be now, except miserable as crap.

    My advice, invite him to go with you to a doctor's appointment so he can see how bad it gets. Or just do what I did, and ask him to lance one for you to see if he'll freak out and run when the puss starts flying smile My guy passed with flying colors. I'm sure yours will too. He sounds like he's got his head on straight. But on the off chance he doesn't, then he's not worth you or your time.

    Does HS make finding a significant other harder? Sure. Impossible? Heck no. We just have to work a little bit harder to find Mr. Right. But if there's one thing I've learned, people with HS are extremely resilient. We're tough as nails and we're fighters. We have to be.

    Just remember, just because you have HS doesn't mean that HS has to have you. Fight back, don't let it control your life. Get married, have a dozen kids, and just be happy!

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    • Posted

      Atticus 2169,

      That made me smile, thank you for your positive words!

      He thinks its ridiculous how much power i give HS. Then again, he hasn't seen it. I think its my anxiety making things worse than ever more than anything else.

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    • Posted

      Unfortunately, HS has the power to completely take over our lives if we let it. I know my self-esteem was in the crapper when I met my husband, and as ashamed as I am to say this, he's the only reason I've been able to take back control of my life. Don't let this affect your relationship with your man. He seems to love you and obviously thinks you're beautiful, skin disease or not, screw what anyone else thinks.

      After I posted my response, I talked to my husband last night and asked him what was going through his head when he saw my HS scars for the first time. He just smiled and said he felt like a whimp for asking me to pull a sliver out of his finger on our third date and that he thought I was probably the strongest person he'd ever met, which just made him love me more.

      Yeah, I cried a little...okay a lot atually, but seriously, you might be surprised at how understanding your man is. Have a little faith in him, I know it's hard, but just try.

      And hypercat, sorry, but anybody who wants my hubby is going to have to fight me to the death. And I don't fight like a girl smile

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    • Posted

      atticus2169

      I have just told him i suffer from a condition called HS, he knows what it is now. I would have never had the courage to tell him without all these comments. Straight after reading your comment, I told him. Thank you smile

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  • Posted

    If he loves you he will love you with or without your lumps and bumps. You are still the same person he fell in love with. Do not spoil your life over this. You can live with it. Just be subtle when it is at its worst but even if you are not I am sure he will totally understand.

    From someone who has lived with it for 45 years.

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    • Posted

      carol62783,

      You have him spot on, that's his point of view. He always tells me that physical appearances will fade with time but the soul does not. Such a sap redface

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  • Posted

    I really dont think any man worth it will care, I had a little bit of a rebellious teenage stage and have NEVER met a man who cared enough to even give it a second look (i suffer under arms and groin) it doesnt affect what kind of person you are and it shouldnt stop you doing anything so dont be worried about it, im sure he really wont care!
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