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husband has gone too far

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Chez7
Chez7

I posted a few months ago about my husband's drinking. He's finally had his wake up call. But he's put our family in an awful position. He had been drinking last night when he did what he did. I can't help feeling partly to blame which is stupid. I told him when he was sober this afternoon and he is disgusted with himself. He's agreed he needs to do something and said he couldn't stay, he needs to be separated from me because of our issues too - our issues stem from his drinking. I urged him to seek help and I am very worried he will do something unthinkable. I guess I can only hope for the best. He does need to be separated from us and work on himself. I can't have him in our house with our family. He has become a real threat to us when he's drinking.

0 likes, 11 replies

11 Replies

  • vickylou
    vickylou Chez7

    Posted

    Without knowing what he did it's hard to really answer. It must have been pretty serious. Maybe away from his family might make him seek advice and hopefully see a counsellor
  • olivo
    olivo Chez7

    Posted

    My husband has "gone too far" several tiimes. I am 64, and most of our 44 married years he was a kind man.  For the last 10, he has been an alcoholic. During those years, he has embarassed himself socially, and in front of our married daughters, to the point they have left my 60th birthday party, because he ran down 1 husband and verbally abused me. He has falled down in the middle of the night in the bathroom, and urinated on the floor, and slept there . Had ambulances called because he cracked his head, collapsed, only for me to be told he's drunk. We had our 12yr old grandaughter for a sleepover, and she saw him at 9.30am, swigging vodka, and called her mother to take her home. He recently slapped me so hard (the very first time) and burst my right eardrum, and because I have a heart condition and am on Warfarin, the bruise covered from my forehead down to my chin, (I told my family I banged it on the car door. He recently broke his foot, (nothing to do with drink) was in plaster and in a wheelchair for 6 weeks, and even though I have angina and osteoporosis, I cared for him doing everything. He obviously couldnt drive or buy booze, and he was back to the kind man I married- I thought maybe we had turned a corner-but 2 weeks ago the plaster came off, and we are back to "normal" -I found a bottle of vodka hidden in his underwear drawer, and he is constantly drunk.  SO, I am saying get out NOW, and dont make the mistake I did, staying thinking it willl get better, it won't, it will get worse. I loved my husband so much, and we have been together since we were 16 -now I resent and detest what he has become, he has ruined our married life. Our girls wont let the grandkids stay with us, and they dont  include us in any of their celebrations anymore in case he starts his rubbish. 
    • Chez7
      Chez7 olivo

      Posted

      That's really awful. I'm sorry you've gone/going through that. Any of my husband's irrational behaviour when he's drinking is always directed at me and he can start an argument over nothing and he starts making ridiculous accusations. If I'm asleep when he returns from being out drinking he treats me like I'm there for his pleasure. It's so demeaning although I usually fight him off and he does back off. He has never hit me but on one occasion many years ago I thought he might. I can't bring myself to say what he has done this time as I'm finding it very difficult to digest it myself and probably shouldn't share on here. He's chosen to leave and that is the best decision. He cannot be around us if he doesn't stop drinking.
    • PaulJTurner1964
      PaulJTurner1964 olivo

      Posted

      So sorry to hear that Olivio. If he doesn't want to do something about his problem, you are taking the only option available to you.

      However, if he is shocked by you telling him to leave and has any motovation to try and resolve the problem, there ARE options. You have seen that, without the alcohol, the man you fell in love with is still in there, somewhere.

  • PaulJTurner1964
    PaulJTurner1964 Chez7

    Posted

    I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this Chez. It's difficult to know what to say without knowing why he needs to be apart from you. The most appropriate start, however, may be an alcohol detox which would mean he could stop drinking as soon as that started. That could either be done at home (am I right to assume that you don't consider him a threat to you when he is not drinking?) or possibly in a clinic or hospital.

    I think you would be very pleasantly surprised at the change in him after just two or three days of an alcohol detox. I am frequently told, when I do alcohol detoxes with people, that it is like a miracle to have the person back that they know and love.

    Having said that, if he is not in need of an alcohol detox (i.e. if he is not physically dependent on alcohol and drinking every day) then alcohol detox may not be the solution.

    It's difficult to give decent advice with only the information you have given. Could you describe his drinking patterns more?

    • Chez7
      Chez7 PaulJTurner1964

      Posted

      He isn't a threat when he's sober. He is functional in the sense that he goes to work, takes the older kids to and from school and to extra curricular activities. He's got a stressful job and uses alcohol to de-stress but he's a social drinker too and uses any excuse to have a beer. He spends Friday and Saturday nights in the pub working which always ends up with him drinking. He's not always drunk but he always wants a drink and always talks about wanting to drinking. A couple of drinks he's not too bad but any more, especially where rum is involved he becomes a different person. In the past 11 years since he left the military he has put us in a lot of difficult positions. This started after he left.. He had a lot of knock backs and feels a failure. He's never said this but know he feels it. I probably didn't help things at certain times over the years. He's was a great person. He's still a great person to other people. Some of them are enablers.
    • PaulJTurner1964
      PaulJTurner1964 Chez7

      Posted

      He probably is still a great person Chez. Alcohol hides the real person behind lies, aggression, embarrassing behaviour and selfishness.

      It is worth exploring the options with him before giving up.

    • Chez7
      Chez7 PaulJTurner1964

      Posted

      I've not given up. But this time, what he's done has put me in and the kids in an awful position. He's never believed he had a problem and belittled my concerns or saying I had the problem despite his actions.  He's put us in a lot of difficult positions over the years which I have had to deal with over and over.  He think this time he knows he needs to do something. I can't do it for him. If he feels he needs to be seperated from me he needs to do it. He probably blames me for a lot of things but I'm not responsible for his actions when he drinks. To be honest I would feel safer and less stressed and anxious if wasn't here. At the same time I worry about him. I just hope he gets the help he needs to be happy. 
    • PaulJTurner1964
      PaulJTurner1964 Chez7

      Posted

      Chez, I think what you mean is that he has never ACCEPTED to you, that he has a problem. I'm sure he knows, himself, that he does but it isn't always easy to admit to others, particularly those close to you.

      Is he actually looking for the help he needs?

    • Chez7
      Chez7 PaulJTurner1964

      Posted

      You're right he hasn't. He's a very proud man. 

      I don't actually know. We haven't really spoken much since yesterday as we haven't really seen each other. It's difficult to talk about. I may talk to him when the kids have gone to bed. 

  • olivo
    olivo Chez7

    Posted

    You dont need to say what he did, he knows, you know - that's enough. He seems to realise this is the rock bottom and he must leave. I wish mine did, he still doesnt feel he has a problem. Even if I didnt see him drink, I would know he had been, because of all the insults and the  way he talks to me - the SAME script every time. So please, look after YOU. He has to reach this rock bottom to even think about coming up. 
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