Husband has vascular dementia

Hi Sandy,  I can sympathise with you and know exactly how you feel.  Before my mother died January last year, the two years before her death were extremely difficult.  She had the onset of dementia and Alzheimers and although she had good times, there were some very bad times.  She was verbally abusive to me and blamed me for anything and everything calling me some very nasty names.  She became overly fond of our dogs and they were her upmost concern, not me, although I cared for her and cooked etc.  At times I lost the plot and screamed in another room, just to let off steam.  I know she couldn't help it, it was her illness, just like it is with your husband.  I felt sorry for her but I couldn't reach her at times.  In a way, my mum had gone before she actually died.  On my last birthday when I collected her from a hospital appointment and she called me a two-faced b***h.  I still don't know what brought that on and never will, but that was her illness.  Now that she's gone, although I know I did as much as was humanely possible for her, I do feel regret that I at times lost my patience.  I miss her dearly and try to remember all the good times we had.  I look at photos and know, yes, that was my mum.  And yes, I like you, I also felt hate at times, my back suffered as a result of using the hoist single-handed and lifting her etc.  I wanted her to go into a nursing home, but she refused.  She died peacefully at home in her sleep, and I am pleased that she died in her home where our dogs were her constant companions.  I don't know if you get the help of carers, I had to as I couldn't manage on my own after a while with a bad back.  They were a fantastic help.  One thing that also helped me, was that once a week I made sure I met up with a friend for a cuppa and a chat, just to get out of the home environment and to 'recuperate'.  It was hard, but I am pleased I was here for her.  Make sure you also look after yourself, after all, you can't pour from an empty cup.  

Yes, I definitely agree with you stef. It's not uncommon for us to loose our patience but they really need a lot of care and attention during these times. It's also necessary for us to relieve all our stress and talking to someone might help.