Husband has vascular dementia

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I am so lost in this illness.  No Dr. has said how bad he is.  He is moody, bi-polar, verbally abusive and nasty at times.  At other times is he decent, quiet, distant, has developed a extra over the top love for animals and children.  He has always love children but this is over the top.  I don't know the difference between what's normal for him and what is the illness or is it all one.  I get no love, emotion, empathy, concern, care, presents, just nothing.  He is all about him.  His needs, his wants, his happiness or unhappiness.  According to him I am the source of all his misery.  At this point I would gladly leave but money is an issue and we are retired.  He has been laid off from one job he had for many years, finally found another job and was fired.  We had to use our 401k to survive and get a home and it just goes on and on.  I feel like I have give of myself and given up myself to be with him and take care of him.  My love is turning to hate and I don't know what to do.  I am a Christian woman and pray for answers to this problem.  I don't have answers but need some if anyone has any advice.  Thanks

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    Hi Sandy,  I can sympathise with you and know exactly how you feel.  Before my mother died January last year, the two years before her death were extremely difficult.  She had the onset of dementia and Alzheimers and although she had good times, there were some very bad times.  She was verbally abusive to me and blamed me for anything and everything calling me some very nasty names.  She became overly fond of our dogs and they were her upmost concern, not me, although I cared for her and cooked etc.  At times I lost the plot and screamed in another room, just to let off steam.  I know she couldn't help it, it was her illness, just like it is with your husband.  I felt sorry for her but I couldn't reach her at times.  In a way, my mum had gone before she actually died.  On my last birthday when I collected her from a hospital appointment and she called me a two-faced b***h.  I still don't know what brought that on and never will, but that was her illness.  Now that she's gone, although I know I did as much as was humanely possible for her, I do feel regret that I at times lost my patience.  I miss her dearly and try to remember all the good times we had.  I look at photos and know, yes, that was my mum.  And yes, I like you, I also felt hate at times, my back suffered as a result of using the hoist single-handed and lifting her etc.  I wanted her to go into a nursing home, but she refused.  She died peacefully at home in her sleep, and I am pleased that she died in her home where our dogs were her constant companions.  I don't know if you get the help of carers, I had to as I couldn't manage on my own after a while with a bad back.  They were a fantastic help.  One thing that also helped me, was that once a week I made sure I met up with a friend for a cuppa and a chat, just to get out of the home environment and to 'recuperate'.  It was hard, but I am pleased I was here for her.  Make sure you also look after yourself, after all, you can't pour from an empty cup.  

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