husband left after 30 very happy years

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we have been very happily married for 30 years with a lovely family and nice life and lots of plans for the future. then my husband announced out the blue that he loved me but wasnt in love with me anymore and didnt feel a “deep love feeling for me anymore”, and he has never doubted his live for me in 30 years but in the ladt 6 minths he has thought of nithing else.  he kept saying that something has happened inside him and he doesnt know what and that its nothing i have done. i am absolutely devestated, and after he assured me there was no one else invloved we agreed that he could be depressed as was showing other signs of this too such as low mood, weight loss, not feeling the same about his children/grandchildren etc who have always been such a priority to him, a real family man. he had been very stressed with work and other normal life stresses eg finances etc, he is self employed. He went to the doctors and was put on anti depressants, these didnt help & after 6 weeks of me finding it very hard to cope with the fact he didnt love me anymore we were driving eachother further apart. he went back to the doctors and the anti depressants were upped but he was completely pushing me away by then and saying very forcefully that he couldn’t stay here any longer seeing me devastated and after a week he moved out. i tried to support him trying to believe it was the depression but he was so sure his feelings were real, although hoped I was right but now he wont even speak to me about it and just says to me and our famiky and close friends he doeasnt know what happened but something broke inside his head or his heart and he doesnt want to be with me anymore, could this be depression or has he just fell out if love with me. has anyone experienced a similar situation.

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  • Posted

    Hello, thats a really sad thing to happen. Its hard to say which is true. When you are depressed, you become very selfish, and are not interested in very much. Your pain and misery are your only concern. You push loved ones away, and friends etc, as its hard to put on a brave face or hide the fact from them. They remind you of happier times, and make you geel.guilt, because you know you should feel and behave in a certain way, but you dont care. You only care about yourself, and how unhappy you are. If its just depression, then his meds are not working, or they have not had time to work. I wouldnt push him into anything, but make sure he knows you are there for support. Depression is likely to effect other areas of his life. Does he still socialise, do his hobbies and interests, and is he doing his job/self employment to the same standard? If he is doing all of these as before, that could suggest hes being truthfull, and thats how he genuinely feels. If hes not, then he may still be depressed, and doesnt know what he wants or feels. Its really hard to say which is the case. It could be either. Not much help, but thats how and why depressed people feel and behave as they do.
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    • Posted

      If he saw a pyschiatrist, they would be much more able to see what his issues are, and recommend a more suitable medication. The difference in ability between a doctor and a pyschiatrist, to treat depression is huge.
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    • Posted

      Thanks for your reply, he is socialising but only really seems keen For this to be with people who are not emotionally attached to him. He seems emotionless and his response to this is maybe iv changed, I’m thinking maybe his meds are too high a dosage. I think it’s just something that only time will tell and I will just have to be patient .
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  • Posted

    SW

    It may be a mid life crisis, it can exist especially if is depressed at work and is possible looking at life in the way:Is This All. 

    Depression can be a problem when we get older and our lives sometimes may look pointless and has wishes to not be restricted. He may consider He has been there for his family and Grandchildren over the last thirty years and wants His own time without those restrictions, 

    You could try to get Him to attend RELATE with You to discuss how He feels, However He will also need CBT and talk out his negative feelings

    I was about thirty nine when I became Chronic Disabled and lost my job, it was a problem where I made some profound changes, the same happened when I was about sixty.

    It may be He wants quality time either by Himself or with each other. He has been with family and now wants me time and He feels that this is not happening, so He has moved on. I would hope He will come around although it would seem He has made a decision.

    Did He discuss this with you for a time before all this started, I could understand if you want to be involved with Grandchildren and He wants time for himself and possibly you

    Talk to your GP, I would imagine, with His work He may feel stuck and has been asking himself questions possibly to do with His Mortality

    BOB

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    • Posted

      Thanks for your reply and ye I have considered it could be a mid life crisis.  He also has had 4 important people die in this last year and he said something happened to him at the funerals but he can’t explain it.  

      Its so hard b cause he is so sure that what he is saying and doing is the right thing and I just want the old him to come back and our lives carry on .

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  • Posted

    Sounds like your husband may be going through a mid life crisis. Men have 'manopause' just like women have menopause. It comes about due to a reduction in male hormones, primarily testosterone.

    Your husband may not be experiencing low-serotonin type depression, his depression may be related to low male hormones. I have had it-my problems were chiefly physical (hot flashes at night, cold sweats in the morning, etc.) but it can cause psychological problems as well.

    Have your husband tested for low testosterone, it's a quick and easy blood test. When I was tested (I suspected the problem for years before I finally got tested) they discovered my blood testosterone was way lower than the normal low limit. I was prescribed a testosterone gel which I apply to my shoulder area every night. Within a few weeks my testosterone level was back in the normal range and no more hot flashes/cold sweats! And my libido was much improved as well.

    Get him tested, I bet that is part of the problem.

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