Husband made 18 months without incident, until tonight

Posted , 9 users are following.

So it's been a while since I've been on here. 18 months ago, after the last incident, my husband seeked professional help and completely stopped drinking. He returned to the person I knew before he had this problem and the arguements stopped.  I started to like him again. 

Around Christmas last year, I made the mistake of saying he's done so well and I wouldn't mind him drinking if he was in control. Over the last 8-9 months he's slowly started drinking, and glimpses of the 'other' person made little appearances.  I've told him several times, and of course he claims to have it under control. Wanting to give him the chance, I've said nothing more and tried to stay alert just in case I'm right.  Tonight was the night. We've been on a once in a lifetime holiday with my family, sister, brother and their families l, for the last 2 1/2 weeks.  He was drinking yesterday but we were all out so it wasn't so bad.  Today we were at a water park where he drank all day, as soon as we leave, all he's thinking about is getting beers.  We're back at the villa, the adults are relaxing and the kids are in or around the pool area, having fun. My husband goes out for a cigarette, within minutes he's lost his temper with our 16 year old son, and kicked him into the pool.  Our youngest daughter was crying hysterically, my nieces were disgusted and told him that was wrong.  I was crying hysterically also pulling my son out the pool yet my angry husband was so fixated on how he was justified in his actions.  Thankfully my son was not physically hurt but he so easily could have.  My husband is oblivious to the potential danger he put our son in, and that his action is abuse.  I'm so distraught, embarrassed, angry (mostly with myself). My family and nieces and young nephews are completely shocked as they've never witnessed this side of him.  I told him after the last incident that I would allow another one.  We fly back on Sunday, arriving Monday morning.  I'm trying to make arrangements or at least a plan seeing as I can't sleep.  I'm not putting our children through this anymore. 

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8 Replies

  • Posted

    There is so much going on here with the family involvement, feelings of embarrassment etc that I am reluctant to say too much. Given that you had a spell of 18 months and now this one lapse (for which you seem to take some responsibility via 'encouraging' your husband to try and drink moderately) I wonder if a period of letting the dust settle followed by an attempt to talk this through with your husband might be one way forward. As I understand it, lapses like this are not uncommon and, given the progress you all made previously, there seems to be a lot that could be lost if you take a hasty decision. I know I wasn't there, but chucking a 16 year old into the pool can be abusive but a jury would probably not put it very high up the scale. Especially as one rather isolated incident. But I wasn't there.

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    • Posted

      I can't subject the kids to this any longer. He's a danger to them and myself, and I feel responsible for putting them at risk. There have been many, MANY incidents over the years. This is just the first time other people have witnessed it.  He needs to get more help, and I need to do a much better job of protecting our children.  

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  • Posted

    I'm so sorry for you all and your husband. I know I was not a pleasant person when I was drinking and you aren't in control and make sensible decisions when under the influence. I've been sober 8 months and know in my heart that for people like me there is just no such thing as controlled drinking. I'd love just one glass but I know it would be the beginning of the end to even touch the stuff anymore. I was like your husband, all I could think of was getting a drink. It is far easier to not have it at all. 

    Wish you lots of luck and big hugs xxx

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    • Posted

      Thank you.  And we'll done to you.  

      I know there are deep rooted issues with my husband and he had a huge knock to his confidence when he left the army. He really struggled and I've always been his biggest cheerleader and believed in him. Drinking has always been his way of coping when things get tough and at some point it got out of control and he became abusive.  Mostly verbal towards me, as well as emotional and financial.  The stress and anxiety I've felt over the years is too much.  I know what I have to do, and it's going to be difficult. I worry that he will do something to himself. 

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    • Posted

      There is medication that can wean him off alcohol, but once the addiction has kicked in, he can never return to alcohol, because the brain has been changed and the receptors just light up like a Christmas tree when he touches the first bit of alcohol.

      The trouble with being in the army (my brother was a colonel) is that enlisted men are taught not to think for themselves and only to take orders. This works well when they are in the army, a regimented system suits them, because everything is taken care of. The very nature of their job means blowing off steam and having a drink with mates is de rigueur and if it spills over a bit, it is in a controlled environment and is not usually frowned upon.

      Of course when they are released on to civvy street they are not prepared for this or given any training on how life will be different.

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  • Posted

    Grim and horrible. I know that I cannot be trusted with even one drink since I stopped 4 years 8 months ago. A terrible ordeal for you and everyone around him. He will probably try to carry on but must be stopped. Who can talk sense into him? Regards Robin
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  • Posted

    My OH is like that sometimes so I really empathise with you. It is a nightmare. If they can stop drinking that is the best option.

    Is it possible for you to step back a little, and concentrate on the 'nice' person your husband can be when not drinking, and ask him to seek help?

    But maybe you've had enough - given him too many chances and been horrified by the results too many times. Only you can decide this but you must think of your children as well.

    I'm not surprised that you can't sleep. I know how that feels, very well. And the worst thing is when someone who has caused you not to sleep is drunk, they sleep only too well, which is really rubbing it in your face.

    I would be interested to know how things pan out for you and your family. I feel like I'm in a very similar situation. All the best.

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  • Posted

    Sorry to hear of your trials. 

    So stating the obvious your husband has a drink issue which he can no longer control and for you as a family unit to have any future he will need to desist from drinking, for ever.

    Alcohol is a notoriously bad 'coping mechanism' and will only ever help in the very, very short term in helping him or anyone else deal with a problem. It's clearly exacerbating his issues in this case. He needs to accept and understand this for everyone's sake. And  as you say seeking help is the best way forward. 

    The family Issues are of course more complicated, but from what you say in your brief note, not insurmountable in my opinion, without the alcohol trigger. The embarrassment/shame you feel for tolerating his behaviour is understandable, but I think is  a non-issue, and you must try to stop worrying about if it is indeed causing you stress. He is at the end of the day the father of your children and as a partner you do the best to support the other half for the families sake. You presumably have worked extremely hard to keep the family unit together. The fact that others have witnessed his bad behaviour is probably a good thing in the longer term, and you must not feel any shame over it. 

    he will always be the father of your children and it is important that he rebuilds their trust. Again In my opinion they will be better prepared for life on their own with him than without. Your children are at an impressionable and personally challenging age and in a perfect world (which is rarely if ever the case) I would think it valuable if your 'good drink-free husband' could play a full part in helping them through. Difficult to do from a distance in my view. Only you will be able to answer this, but I do think it's not a question that you should try to find the answer to alone. It affects others. I would try and get some professional help for you too, to help you plan your next steps. Please don't feel ashamed anymore as you have nothing to be ashamed over. 

    He needs to take ownership of his alcohol problem and if he does i suspect most of the other issues will become manageable for him, and hopefully for you and the family also. It's never too late. 

     

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